It's Been A Long Road

I've been looking back along this road I've taken the past 18+ years of marriage. It was a good marriage in it's day .. it's just past it's day now. The result is an unofficial separation .. since January of 2005 .. complete with move to the spare bedroom for me .. that I've told no one about. A move that pleases me very much .. I actually sleep well now. :)

I wouldn't say that that is a bad thing .. sometimes it's just the way things go. After 3 years of marriage therapy .. twice in these 18 years .. although it changed nothing with my husband or the marriage .. I learned a few things .. so it wasn't a total waste of time .. :D

In many ways he is a good man .. an excellent provider .. not the least bit afraid to work .. and work HARD .. to keep us all well looked after .. a wonderful father .. one of my best friends I'd ever had. He also is his own worst enemy .. to the erosion of our relationship.

I've learned that my husband is a "feeder" .. and not in the perverted sense !! A feeder is a controlling person .. usually a passive/aggressive personality. They control by using a persons weaknesses against them .. such as food and weight issues .. and is the case with my husband. They also control by eliminating anything that brings pleasure to the person in their life that they are trying to control. It keeps them off balance and always wondering what's going on .. if it's their fault .. instead of fully seeing the undercurrent of control being exercised over them.

It's pretty insidious. I spent 4 years punishing myself with bulimia .. 14 years ago .. thinking I had messed my marriage up by being responsible for my husbands cold ways. Turns out .. it was him .. HE was unhappy .. he wanted me to leave .. it is the passive aggressive way .. make the person leave .. then you can play the victim. Except I just stayed .. eventually got through it .. and our marriage has never been the same since.

The control is subtle and .. always it is made to be your choice. "Here honey .. I brought you a cake .. what? .. you don't want it? .. yes I know you said you wanted to lose weight .. but .. I did this because I love you .. and you throw it back at me??? .. If you loved me you wouldn't reject me when I try to show you how much I care .. fine .. eat it if you want to" .. *drops onto table and huffs out of room* .. Then I would eat it .. ALL ... and my weight grew and grew .. along with my disgust with myself and my looks .. and, accordingly, down shrank my sense of self. My resentment of him grew too.

I believe now, that my husband has wanted out of the marriage for most of it .. that he systematically went about making my life a misery in order to drive me out .. yet .. at the same time .. effectively wearing me down and isolating me until I lacked the will .. and health .. to be self sustainable on my own .. because his own need to drive me out was superceded by his need to control me.

I accept my own culpability in that .. as it really was just easier to comply than complain and stand my ground .. insist that I be respected .. or else .. and meaning it .. in the face of coldly being ignored on anything that I wanted. NO one can put you down if you don't let them.

I spoke to a good friend of mine about this recently .. told him that things were different because it was now no longer acceptable for me to be treated that way .. he gently replied with .. "Sherry .. it never was .. ". He's right .. except that I didn't know it then.

That woman in the picture I've put in my About Me section at the upper right of this page, that's me .. a few years back .. but still me .. looking happy .. happy like I've not known in a very long time. It's funny how I went from this active, successful, single working mother .. to an overweight, housewife who has allowed her confidence and self worth be eroded away .. with the removal of her vehicle and being fed to such an overweight level that it's hard to imagine ever working again .. or having a man want to have anything to do with me !!

It's been a long road .. but .. I'm smarter now .. I've figured it out .. that part of it anyway .. so now .. I'm left with trying to figure out how to become that woman from so long ago .. again. To collect the scattered pieces that I so willingly allowed to slip away over these years .. and make that woman whole again.

This is one big step forward for me .. but I intend to be that woman once again. :)

A Little Something About My Links - Part 3

I just recently discovered this fellow's site .. the Steve Pavlina Site. Now .. he IS unabashed in his Google advertising .. BUT .. as long as it's not demanding ANYTHING of me .. I'll ignore it. :D

He DOES have some truly GREAT articles on manifesting the reality that you want .. one of only a few sites that don't require you to purchase their ridiculously overpriced CD collections .. or what-have-you .. in order for them to impart their wisdom and insights .. in it's entirety .. to you. As I've been plodding my way through the site .. I've discovered some really GOOD articles .. with LOTS of straightforward techniques .. that I have begun using .. with what I would consider a success in one thing I put forward .. so I'll have to see how they go with the other things I'm working on. :D I do believe, though, that they are very much in line with what "What The Bleep?" is speaking of .. so I'm enjoying them very much. Who knows what things near and dear to my heart I may get to bring into my experience .. ;)

Just thought it might be worth passing along .. :)

Which brings us to .. last but certainly NOT least .. EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique.

With EFT I have found just one of the simplest .. most helpful things I have ever tried for myself. I'd been getting these emails from them for a while .. probably someplace I'd signed up to somewhere along the way .. and been pretty much ignoring them. Until about a month ago .. after having that entire sorry episode from a year ago .. dragged back out .. and with certain points not quite right in the retelling (for what purpose dragging it up I do not know) I was in the throes of fibro pain so severe .. I couldn't stand it anymore. When one of the emails came .. promising it's use for pain relief .. hell .. I was ready to try ANYTHING. I have never been so thankful for a pain episode in my life. Because this simple little program has given me relief like nothing else has .. not even "Wild Divine" .. which, despite its enormous help to me, has to be played regularly to maintain it .. at least for me, as I tend to need reinforcement with that type of thing .. please, don't misunderstand .. it is by no means a punishment to use it :D .

EFT uses simple phrases .. coupled with gentle, sequenced tapping .. and it WORKS .. I cannot stress enough .. IT WORKS !!!!!! I have actually had PAINFREE days !!! Something I have not experienced in nearly 20 years. I am astonished beyond thinking. It has worked .. despite my skepticism .. despite my ornery "geez, how am I gonna remember THAT whole thing" .. despite my getting it wrong for the first week lol .. despite a few days of forgetting to do do it .. despite a few days of slightly increased pain levels .. that I directly connected to foods I had eaten .. I feel great !! Who knew anything could be so effective ??

With this success .. I have decided to try what the FREE manual I downloaded suggests .. I am trying it on everything. Every negative thought .. every core belief that doesn't uplift and support me .. every down moment .. every errant whisper .. and .. I think it's working .. changing how I think about even more things .. because I feel better .. happier .. stronger .. every day !! :D

Please .. don't be afraid to give this a shot .. the basic manual is free .. contains all that you really need to do this .. and the newsletters are filled with case histories and tips on using the program to help you beat pain AND negative programming. AMAZING stuff this. At the least .. you'll be the same as when you started .. everything above that is a bonus for the better .. at the very most, you can be feeling ever so much better. :)

So .. these are a few of my favorite things .. please do try any of them .. all of them .. because ANYTHING .. that can uplift you .. make you feel better about anything .. about everything .. and especially about yourself .. has got to be worth a try.

Besides .. if I am worth it .. you are too. :)

A Little Something About My Links - Part 2

Now .. for the "Wild Divine Project". My gosh .. what can I say. Back when all of the crap was going on with that spiteful UU episode, and the systematic character assassination of me .. I was stressed out of my mind .. and suffering with fibromyalgia pain so severe I wasn't even able to get up the stairs in my house. A very good friend of mine .. Jan .. in an act so touching I still get a wee bit weepy .. surprised me by giving me the entire "Journey to Wild Divine" game. He gave it in the hopes that I might get some relief from my pain .. and get relaxed enough to start getting some proper rest and start getting better. I still cannot thank him enough. :)

If you are able to, because it does cost a fair bit .. I would suggest giving this game a try. It is so much more then just a game .. really the word "game" shouldn't even be used to describe it. You hook up to a biofeedback machine and, using the guided instruction inworld .. coupled with beautiful images and soothing music .. you learn to relax .. to undo the habit of being drawn into a tight knot .. by controlling your breathing AND your thinking. I was truly amazed at how just thinking different types of thoughts could influence what happened on the screen !! But it did .. and does !! With practice, slowly you do relax .. and start to rearrange your thinking .. simply by becoming aware of it. In the beginning .. I could barely make the items move as they should .. and .. watching how my daughter could so easily make the wheel spin in the beginning, while for me it would only slowly and jerkily turn .. I sort of knew I was in for a bit of work .. lol. But I kept at it .. though still not as good at it as she is .. I have made real progress and will continue to as I keep playing.

I very much encourage anyone, if at all possible, to get and use this amazing tool. For my fibromyalgia it has made a huge difference in my pain levels and I am most grateful to Jan for gifting me with it. :)

With "What the Bleep Do We Know?" .. be prepared to have your past thinking patterns blown away .. and entertain new ways of looking at .. and functioning in and with .. this world. Get the movie .. get the book .. go to the website .. they have a free manual you can download .. just get this into your psyche and run with it. It takes the science of Quantum Physics .. and joins it with the physics of thought and creation .. and takes you to possibilities that you only dreamed might be. A way to work with the universe and it's creative energy .. in a focused manner .. to our ever greater benefit and joy.

I've been studying this for years .. but never has it been so concisely put before me .. in a way that is as entertaining as it is profound. Please do .. give it a shot .. watch it as many times as it takes to bring you to the moment of "ah-ha" .. and .. have fun .. it's the way things are meant to be !! ;)

A Little Something About My Links - Part 1

I thought I would take the time to post about several of the links I have provided .. just so that others might know what they were for and why I like them so much. :)

The first one is regarding "Notes from the Universe". This site is run by a fellow by the name of Mike Dooley, and he has taken positive thinking to a whole new, personal level that is just wonderful !! Each note is a personal pep talk .. direct from the Universe to you .. they ALWAYS make my day. Presented with cheeky humor, affection and wisdom .. I cannot help but find myself smiling and feeling better about who I am, what I want .. and how I am so much more .. worth so much more .. than I have ever previously thought. The effect seems incremental, causing those positive feelings to stay .. be reinforced daily .. and to take root. Definately causing a permanent shift in how I look at myself and my life .. and to my great benefit in all ways.

Every weekday - Monday to Friday - you receive this great little note from the "Universe". Probably the most uplifting little paragraph I've ever received from anywhere .. each one personalized to me .. just the best, most positive, "I feel so darned good when I read this" kind of sentiments .. coupled with some profound "HEY .. that's right !!" kind of moments, too. I look forward to each one .. and have saved every one of them .. even passed them on to a friend who has no computer .. they are so special to me.

You want to know the best part?? :D They are absolutely FREE .. no strings attached. No hard sell .. no badgering to purchase his products .. just these great little uplifting notes in my inbox .. that make my day! I hope you'll consider giving them a try .. they are worth more than gold to me .. and are something I would love others to experience.

Next we have "iVillage - The Internet for Women". Now .. I was the last person to be all prissy about being a woman and doing something special because I am one. But, since getting my mind and heart opened to loving and accepting myself .. and recognizing that I AM WORTH IT via my somewhat bumpy journey the past couple of years .. I am now on a quest to reacquaint myself with my feminine self. Something I really had sort of tucked away .. forgotten it was even the greater part of me by the depressing state I had come to .. over years of ALWAYS putting everyone else first but me. It just seemed the right thing to do .. to give up who I was to make everyone else around me happy. Well NO more !!

This site seems to be the most female pampering of any site I've found out there. With great forums and forum folks .. helpful .. friendly .. just SO supportive of women .. truly amazing. With health information .. ways to pamper a girl .. a variety of diet and exercise programs .. wonderful articles on learning to relax and de-stress .. relationship insights .. healthier cooking and meals .. and so much more that I haven't even explored yet. They also offer a variety of online FREE classes that generally last 6 weeks, on a wide range of interesting topics ALL designed to help you get in touch with what YOU want and DESERVE. I really enjoy this site and for someone like myself, who has been so woefully out of touch with doing nice things for me .. it's been like finding a great school to teach what that even means! LOL To steer me along the road to a better, happier me. :)

I hope that anyone who decides to give these a try will get as much pleasure from them as I do.

Moving Right Along .. :D

I've wondered what people write in these things .. where I might start .. makes one realize that there may not be much to tell. LOL

I'm mostly trying to find a space that allows me to be who I am, I suppose .. one where I'm not trying to be all pleasing to those I know. Acceptance of who I am .. as I am .. is not a deference I've often been given .. most people prefer people around them who agree with them .. in all things .. all the time .. and I'm the queen of knowing how to play nice .. to keep others happy. It's an instinctive thing .. I'm very empathetic and easily pick up on what makes people most at ease .. and .. I just naturally do that .. more of a curse then a gift at times, I can assure you! There seem to be so many who need that sort of unconditional support .. and I have always done my best to put people at ease .. to focus attention directly on them .. ask questions .. respond to their comments .. refer back to previous conversations .. so that in that moment .. for that time .. they feel valued and listened to and worthwhile. And for the most part .. I think most people appreciate that.

Unfortunately, you can attract those who live for .. and feed off of it .. and woe be to those who dare to say 'No' to them.

I've been in a recovery mode from my most recent adventure with that .. lol .. having unleashed a vengeful torrent that seems to keep haunting me to this day .. nearly 2 years since I said that dreaded 'N' word to a female who had attached herself to me. I did the right thing .. I know I did .. and no amount of dragging it up, to beat me down, will ever change that .. however .. I have to wonder at the amount of grief I've had laid on me because of it.

It has taken away the pleasure I once had in the online game of Uru .. sent me to a place of constant physical pain, which I was months recovering from .. made me doubt my ability to make good choices about the people I meet online .. wondering, always, if "this" or "that" person really feels as friendly towards me as they seem to .. and generally took me to a low place I would not have dreamed was possible.

I suppose .. as with most things .. there had to be a tearing down .. so that something better could be rebuilt .. but my God .. it's been such a brutal road!! .. I'd like to get on with the rebuilding .. :D

Who knows .. maybe this is a good first step in that process .. guess we'll see .. :)

A Space for Me ...

It's taken a bit of coaxing, but I've finally decided to have me a 'go' at this blogger thing. This should be good. ;)

I'm sure as I go along things will come together nicely .. they always do .. but .. to get things started, I had my resident 'blog expert' give me a hand figuring out a few things .. like print colors and where they hid the change links area :D. Tomorrow, it's backgrounds .. but I did figure out how to change the color around my pic, created a new divided area in the sidebar, and added some colored text at the top of both of the links sections .. ON MY OWN .. :D. I plan on finding a bunch of emoticons to load into my Photobucket account that's been languishing all these months .. just to pepper my posts up with, for the fun of it .. too. :D

I've started off with a few of my favorite links .. to places that I've learned a lot from .. and a few to places that always make me laugh. I hope that they enrich you as they have me .. with an "ah ha" moment that takes you in new directions .. or a laugh, to boost you through your day.

Quick edit ... I think I'm getting the hang of this now. I've played with colors, edited my profile and found a nifty little background I can live with. That should keep me happy .. for now .. :D