An Empty Space In My Heart

I've been really good friends with someone the best part of 2 years now .. just one of the dearest people you could ever be blessed to find.

About a year ago .. something actually quite good happened for them .. yet it seemed to unsettle them greatly .. as if in doing for themselves they had somehow done something wrong .. as if they didn't deserve it .. they were wracked with guilt .. even though they did do for others with some of the good fortune .. still .. they felt terrible for having done for themselves.

They seemed to distance themselves a bit from me for a time .. and though that straightened itself out .. they began distancing themselves from a number of other things that gave them pleasure .. and I tried to encourage them to keep having fun in the places they always had .. doing for themselves as they so richly deserved to be happy.

About 3 months ago things began to come to some sort of critical mass .. they were an emotional wreck .. prone to feeling depressed .. anxious about how their life seemed to turn the opposite of what they wanted .. and it was a sad anniversary which I am sure compounded these ever growing feelings of dejection and unworthiness .. and even their family became worried enough to keep them surrounded and occupied .. not left alone.

They came around less and less ... and I became more and more concerned .. Christmas seemed to cheer them somewhat .. we had some lovely visits during that time .. but .. into the new year .. and the slide became an avalanche into depression and self loathing .. cutting themselves off from nearly everyone but family .. yet feeling abandoned by even them.

Compounding everything is the fact that they've gained a LOT of weight in a relatively short period of time .. to the point that they confessed that they feel very ashamed .. and it seems that the nicer and more understanding I've been about it all .. the more in the opposite direction from me they've gone .. I figure a case of THEY don't feel worthy .. even feel they are a "bad" person .. and the more I try to let 'em know that they ARE worthy .. the more they resist because they genuinely don't think that they deserve it. They're looking for what validates the negative .. they want no part of anything that says they are good. :\

It has culminated in a break down of some sort .. I had sent an email asking about what was happening with them .. their behaviors have been so erratic .. they responded very nicely .. but it seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back .. and now they are home and medicated and seeing a professional to talk to .. thank God .. after having spent a few days "away".

As hard as it has been to accept .. they are NOT the same person I have known previous to this period of time. And it breaks my heart in more ways than I can ever share.

Thing is .. I KNOW this person so very well at this point .. they ARE a good and decent human being .. kind and caring .. compassionate and loving .. and so much more of a softy then they prefer people to know. And ... despite it all .. I love them dearly .. and believe in the good person that I know them to be .. and I keep a constant prayer in my heart for them to become again .. healthy .. and happy ... and whole .. as they so richly deserve .. if only .. if ONLY they could fully realize that in their own heart.

That THEY have value .. are valuable .. and deserve to be at the front of the line for all the goodness handed out in the world .. that they are just as important as those they put first all the time.

I miss my friend terribly .. I worry about them constantly .. and have them always in my thoughts .. and .. I know that once they start to become well again .. get back to right thinking .. they are gonna feel like crap for some of the stuff they've done. :\

My health has suffered greatly because of this stress too.

Yet .. despite it all .. I believe in and have faith in them .. with my whole heart .. I believe in them. I believe in their goodness .. I believe in their decency .. I believe in their kindness .. I believe in their humor .. I believe in their patience .. and especially I believe in their capacity for love and affection. I believe in them .. have faith in them .. and the wonderful person that I know they are.

So now .. I have let them go .. as I must .. to do whatever they must to become whole again .. and pray they one day find their way back to me .. and the lovely space we have shared .. because .. the light is always on .. my door is forever open .. for them.

Tryin' Something New

I have been particularly stressed as of late .. and I mean REALLY stressed .. uncharacteristically so for me I can assure you. I'm not sleeping .. except when exhaustion gives me no choice .. and then it's not restful sleep. My gut is in knots nearly all of the time .. I weep on and off throughout the day .. sometimes so anguished it scares me .. and I'm even off eating .. something quite unusual for me .. and maybe not entirely a bad thing. O_o

I seem so utterly focused on what I do NOT want .. and how distressing that is .. that I seem to get experiences of more of it .. because that's what I'm focusing on .. and the more I focus on it .. the more I'm experiencing it .. and the more I experience it .. the more I focus on it ......... and on goes the vicious cycle.

Though not going into any details as to what's going on .. let's just say the stress reaction is a repeat of a pattern I've fought with most of my life. :\

I have practiced EFT for a couple of years now .. I've found it quite helpful with a number of things .. but though it's helped to alleviate this current stuff somewhat for periods of time .. I haven't been able to clear it all and for good .. and that's only adding to my frustration .. and stress.

By some weird bit of coincidence .. while cruising around looking for more EFT info and sessions to help me find ways to relieve stress and perhaps break my pattern of focusing on that stress .. I came upon some info about a different method .. followed a link to get the sample first disk .. and had a go at it. I mean .. why not .. at that point what had I to lose .. sleep? O_o

That little sample actually helped.

Now .. I'm not gonna say it has made everything rainbows and butterflies for me .. but .. I AM sleeping a bit better the past week .. and can clear the knots for periods of time .. before something pulls my attention back to the "issues". But .. I'm not even half way through the disks .. there's a lot of them O_O .. so we'll see how it progresses as I continue with them.

Seeing as it's an obscene amount of money for the darned thing .. and quite simply I can't afford anything extra that costs *that* kinda money ( and before you mention my purse .. discount clearance centre for 20 bucks ) at the moment what with my husband's company feelin' the economic pinch and passing it on to the employees with cut hours, etc., .. I searched btjunkie ( hush now .. ;) ) and got a couple of bittorents and downloaded the basic method set and the advanced method set .. and have been working my way slowly through the basic set .. finishing disk 6 earlier today.

I plan on finishing both sets then picking and choosing the sessions that may require more attention.

It's called The Sedona Method .. and I quite like the way it's presented and the clearing out and releasing of old patterns of emotion that it is aimed at helping release .. so I'm willing to give it the time and attention to give it a fair shot.

I thought I'd pass this along to anyone who might be interested. Can't hurt .. may even help. :)

This is the search I used for it .. and the 3 torrent files I got were named .. The Sedona Method Course .. Hale Dwoskin - 4-in1 Supercourse! The Sedona Method Workbook .. and Hale Dwoskin - Sedona Method Advanced. ( I use this client btw.)

So far .. I'm pleased .. and it IS helping .. actually sleeping a bit more is helping in and of itself .. now IF I can just eliminate that effing knot that keeps coming back to overwhelm me .. AND truly turn my attention to positive things .. actually become RELAXED most of the time .. THEN I'll know it's REALLY working as intended. :\

Finally .. At Last .. Sorta ..... ;)

It's taken a while .. but I finally decided on a nice new purse. It STILL isn't as long a strap as I would want .. BUT .. it IS a nice enough one that it passes muster and will be carrying my assorted junk to Scotland in May .. and keeping me happy for a good long while .. mostly .. ;)

*goes off muttering about the strap needing to be juuuust a wee bit longer* ;)

Happy Canthan New Year !!

It's that time of year again .. the Canthan New Year 2009 celebration is upon us. During the weekend of Friday January 30th to Monday February 2nd .. it's time to gather the bits for the grand feast .. and hope we please the celestial beast .. which this year is the Ox.

Though the 3 major cities of each continent are decorated .. ONLY Shing Jea Monastery is the site of the festivities. From running a series of quests from Shing Jea ( there is though, 1 outside Kamadan and one in LA ) .. to cashing in Lunar Tokens for goodies .. to standing on the rings to up your lucky and unlucky title points .. to pleasing the celestial Ox and receiving the bounty of his blessings .. it's off to have fun for the best part of 4 days .. and spend ridiculous amounts of ingame cash towards those titles. :D

Lion's Arch


Kamadan


Shing Jea


"Me" with my new baby mini-pet Celestial Ox ;)


MC and I had our usual great time .. spent our time doing quests on a slew of avvies .. so got a ton of Lunar Tokens .. and we each got multiples of the Celestial Ox mini-pet to share .. and also put in our hours standing on the rings for title gain .. and muckin' about with ShadowCats and Rex Havoc. :D