An Empty Space In My Heart

I've been really good friends with someone the best part of 2 years now .. just one of the dearest people you could ever be blessed to find.

About a year ago .. something actually quite good happened for them .. yet it seemed to unsettle them greatly .. as if in doing for themselves they had somehow done something wrong .. as if they didn't deserve it .. they were wracked with guilt .. even though they did do for others with some of the good fortune .. still .. they felt terrible for having done for themselves.

They seemed to distance themselves a bit from me for a time .. and though that straightened itself out .. they began distancing themselves from a number of other things that gave them pleasure .. and I tried to encourage them to keep having fun in the places they always had .. doing for themselves as they so richly deserved to be happy.

About 3 months ago things began to come to some sort of critical mass .. they were an emotional wreck .. prone to feeling depressed .. anxious about how their life seemed to turn the opposite of what they wanted .. and it was a sad anniversary which I am sure compounded these ever growing feelings of dejection and unworthiness .. and even their family became worried enough to keep them surrounded and occupied .. not left alone.

They came around less and less ... and I became more and more concerned .. Christmas seemed to cheer them somewhat .. we had some lovely visits during that time .. but .. into the new year .. and the slide became an avalanche into depression and self loathing .. cutting themselves off from nearly everyone but family .. yet feeling abandoned by even them.

Compounding everything is the fact that they've gained a LOT of weight in a relatively short period of time .. to the point that they confessed that they feel very ashamed .. and it seems that the nicer and more understanding I've been about it all .. the more in the opposite direction from me they've gone .. I figure a case of THEY don't feel worthy .. even feel they are a "bad" person .. and the more I try to let 'em know that they ARE worthy .. the more they resist because they genuinely don't think that they deserve it. They're looking for what validates the negative .. they want no part of anything that says they are good. :\

It has culminated in a break down of some sort .. I had sent an email asking about what was happening with them .. their behaviors have been so erratic .. they responded very nicely .. but it seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back .. and now they are home and medicated and seeing a professional to talk to .. thank God .. after having spent a few days "away".

As hard as it has been to accept .. they are NOT the same person I have known previous to this period of time. And it breaks my heart in more ways than I can ever share.

Thing is .. I KNOW this person so very well at this point .. they ARE a good and decent human being .. kind and caring .. compassionate and loving .. and so much more of a softy then they prefer people to know. And ... despite it all .. I love them dearly .. and believe in the good person that I know them to be .. and I keep a constant prayer in my heart for them to become again .. healthy .. and happy ... and whole .. as they so richly deserve .. if only .. if ONLY they could fully realize that in their own heart.

That THEY have value .. are valuable .. and deserve to be at the front of the line for all the goodness handed out in the world .. that they are just as important as those they put first all the time.

I miss my friend terribly .. I worry about them constantly .. and have them always in my thoughts .. and .. I know that once they start to become well again .. get back to right thinking .. they are gonna feel like crap for some of the stuff they've done. :\

My health has suffered greatly because of this stress too.

Yet .. despite it all .. I believe in and have faith in them .. with my whole heart .. I believe in them. I believe in their goodness .. I believe in their decency .. I believe in their kindness .. I believe in their humor .. I believe in their patience .. and especially I believe in their capacity for love and affection. I believe in them .. have faith in them .. and the wonderful person that I know they are.

So now .. I have let them go .. as I must .. to do whatever they must to become whole again .. and pray they one day find their way back to me .. and the lovely space we have shared .. because .. the light is always on .. my door is forever open .. for them.