Passin' It Along ...

I have an old email account that is pretty much a spam magnet .. and rather then get rid of it I just let it remain in orbit around me scooping up the debris. I check it every now and then .. before deleting the lot of it .. just in case something worthwhile has happened to find it's way into it. And today .. there amongst the piles of junk shone a lovely gem. :)

I have absolutely NO idea who the original author is .. but .. should I ever be so fortunate as to find out it will be my great pleasure to add their name to it .. as certainly they deserve to be recognized for what is .. without a doubt a brilliantly simple recipe for living a happy life. :)

"John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, “If I were any better, I would be twins!”

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, “I don’t get it!”

“You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?”

He replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or, you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.”

“Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or, I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.”

“Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or, I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.”

“Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.

“Yes, it is,” he said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live your life.”

I reflected on what he said. Soon thereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins…Wanna see my scars?”

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

“The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,” he replied. “Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or, I could choose to die. I chose to live.”

“Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.

He continued, “the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man’. I knew I needed to take action.”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said John. “She asked if I was allergic to anything ‘Yes, I replied.’ The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity’”

Over their laughter, I told them, “I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.”

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude…I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow ill worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."

At the bottom of the article in the email it said this :

"You have two choices now:

1.) Delete this
2.) Forward it to the people you care about."

No secret the choice *I* made now .. is there? ;)

The Hardest Habit To Break

You know .. I've been working on a few lifelong, deeply ingrained "habits" of being for a while now. And .. though I've made some great progress in a number of areas .. always .. certain things seem just so difficult to get past. I have finally recognized what a major block is though .. as it seems to be something of a keystone affecting so many aspects of my life. :\

My mother .. yeah .. I know .. but it DOES go back to her .. was the type of woman who probably should NEVER have had children .. much less raised them. She was .. still is too .. a mean spirited, selfish woman who would crush your spirit should you EVER display any joy or pleasure in anything. She left an individual mark on each of us .. there are 3 children .. that was unique to each of us .. I suppose showing the individual 'technique' wired to each of us .. that she used to keep us in 'control' .. and that has pretty much stayed with us all of our lives.

Part of mine has been that I was NEVER allowed to have anything that was mine exclusively .. I ALWAYS had to "share" with (mostly) my sister .. as we were so close in age. From toys to friends .. I was admonished to share with her .. include her when I was with my friends .. I was expected to trade up if what I had she prefered .. stop doing whatever I was doing and join her .. and on and on .. and God help me if I resisted.

I grew up with a generally overblown sense of responsibility towards others happiness and well-being .. as if I were solely responsible for 'making' others happy .. even at the expense of my own happiness .. as I am the oldest .. and somehow my being happy .. taking joy in anything .. was ALWAYS at the expense of another. My friend called it being the "load bearer" .. a space he understands only too well .. as he is this way himself .. always carrying the burden of responsibility for others .. yet so used to doing so alone that he isolates himself when he is in need .. as I have always done.

This point was finally driven clearly home to me in one major incident that has stayed with me to this day. In the town where I grew up we had a week long "Old Home Week" festival each summer. One year .. I would have been 15 .. I had a winning streak at some color wheel that was astonishing. I couldn't lose .. I must have won 20 stuffed animals and 6 boxes of chocolates !! Of the stuffed animals a couple were HUGE .. one being a stuffed purple poodle with a jaunty beret.

To say I was ecstatic would be an understatement .. I WON !! .. and I won LOTS !! .. so much that my boyfriend was doing his best packmule imitation to help me .. and I was flying high in an excitedly euphoric state. :D

When my mother arrived to pick me up .. she looked at us carrying all my prizes .. and when I excitedly babbled that I had won them .. her face hardened .. and she ordered me to get into the car. My sister was sitting in the front seat and I began to tell her about my good luck .. until my mother interrupted .. going off on me about how much better I thought I was than them (and she included my sister in the tirade .. the better to fully justify it as apparently .. my actions were affecting everyone) .. that I was 'rubbing it in their faces' that Aries were losers (she and my sister are both Aries) .. that I had deliberately taken the stuffed poodle as a prize knowing full well that my sister and tried .. and failed .. to win it for herself earlier in the evening (a fact I would have had NO knowledge of as I hadn't seen her all evening O_o ). The 2 mile trip home was filled with a vicious and demoralizing verbal beat down as I had EVER been handed for anything .. and I was a broken hearted sobbing mess by the time we arrived home .. and I stayed that way for HOURS.

When I finally stopped .. there was an emotionally flat sensation and I slept. In the morning I got the poodle .. put a note on it .. and placed it in my sisters bed. I took the rest of the stuffed animals and put them in a plastic bag. My sister refused to take the poodle .. causing me to have this overwhelming panicky sensation for her to take it .. to be rid of it .. yet she refused .. which only further made me hate it .. and me. So I moved it to a place where I didn't have to see it .. buried under some old blanket in the corner of my room .. eventually finding their way into the attic of my dads new house long after I had moved away. And there they stayed until I asked for them to be sent to me in Ontario when I had my first child .. thinking they would be great for her. I was unprepared for the rush of self anger and loathing I got as I opened that bag .. and promptly gave all but 2 items away to my boyfriends nieces and nephews .. and .. finally giving that stupid poodle away .. to his mother .. at long last feeling "good" by giving it all .. and especially *that* .. away. And I am meaning totally elated .. the rush I got from giving those things away was intense .. and I felt REALLY good about myself. Or so I thought.

I sort of started to live for those moments of that feeling of feeling good about giving something away that gives me pleasure.. as I guess what's really happening is that having something that causes me to feel so happy .. ALSO causes me to feel acutely painfully aware of how UNDESERVING I really am of it .. how much I've robbed someone of their happiness .. how BAD I must really be at having ANYTHING that makes ME happy .. so deeply associated with the anguished pain of that night .. so that feel-good sensation .. actually caused by relief .. affirms in some twisted way that I actually AM a good person .. easing that awful pain. It became a drug .. supporting my self worth.

Since the night of that incident I have had a very difficult time having anything nice .. and truly enjoying it. I often wind up giving things away .. oddly and especially things that I get excited about having .. have genuinely really wanted .. and that make me feel "special" in any way.

The poison instilled in me that night .. cementing my hatred of myself as utterly unworthy or deserving of anything that gives me joy .. has been solidly pervasive in every area of my life. And the "rush" I got from giving them away .. that I interpreted as feeling good because I had made others happy .. was mostly massive RELIEF at being rid of something that had 'caused' me such pain.

And it was only recently that I made the connection to that incident .. and my habit of giving my things away .. that I realized what I've been doing. I harbor such an intense belief that I don't deserve to have things that make me happy .. give me pleasure .. are what I desire .. because of how miserable my being happy causes others to be .. that feeling those happy feelings is a direct link to an intensely painful experience .. that I feel SO uncomfortable as soon as I get something that DOES give me those feelings .. that I immediately set it aside .. and don't touch .. or use .. or look at it. Then .. someone .. a friend or family member usually .. will come along and for whatever reason .. perhaps they state they like a certain thing .. or have need of something .. or maybe just need a lift .. regardless .. I give them what I have .. and I just feel SO good doing that .. seeing the look on their faces .. making someone else happy .. and yet .. I now know that a large part of that feeling good about making someone else happy .. has been because I was just hugely relieved of getting rid of something that was causing me to relive on some level that self revulsion towards myself from having something that caused me pain through the pleasure of having it.

Most recently I have done this with a beautiful amethyst earring and necklace set that I just loved .. got it for myself .. and then tucked the box aside .. eventually giving it to my sister .. having NEVER once worn them. With a HUGE chunk of white crystalline quartz that I found in our back field .. weighed almost 10 pounds .. I brought it in .. cleaned it up .. and put it on a table in my kitchen and it was so beautiful .. but .. the first time my best friend came by and commented on it .. I gave it to her. I even do this ingame with rare item drops I get .. drops that I get so excited when I get them .. usually giving them to my daughter .. but often to others who express how nice it would be to have them. Leaving me with ... nothing.

Recognizing the pattern of what I do .. and most importantly WHY I do it has been a profound awakening for me .. BUT most disturbing of all .. I see now that I am NOT the only person who does it. My sister does this with her daughter nearly to the point of losing everything she had worked 20 years for. My best friend with her children .. who's hands are forever out in need .. causing her to mow through a LOT of the insurance she got from when her husband was killed. And most recently with a very dear friend of mine with his children to the point of feeling guilty remorse at being made whole .. and replacing something that was taken from him .. after YEARS of waiting for an accident settlement that he SO richly deserved .. even being told by a psychologist that it was time for him to start doing for HIMSELF now.

Always they are giving .. giving .. giving .. leaving themselves with nothing .. and believing in their hearts that that feel-good sensation at seeing others smiling faces is it's own reward .. yet not realizing that that feeling is wrapped cozily in a RELIEF at having divested themselves of something that they loved .. or wanted .. or needed .. or yes .. deserved .. because it doesn't fit with some fundamental belief in their unworthiness to "have" anything wonderful for themselves .. even money .. so they give it all away .. even to their utmost detriment. Heck .. I've even seen them in relationships that the better they felt .. the more agitated they became until they ended them .. winding up quite heartbroken as they were with someone they REALLY did want to be with, who genuinely cared about them and who treated them well .. and .. in a couple of cases turning to someone who treated them like crap .. a further punishment for having dared to be happy .. even for a short period of time .. as if on some level *this* was what they deserved. :\

And it makes me as sad for them .. as I have been for me .. in discovering this .. makes me want to to hold them so close .. as if in that blending of my energy with theirs they might now know this truth in their hearts .. and be set free .. that it's a right and proper thing this looking out for ones self once in a while .. absorbing this knowledge of self acceptance into their very deserving souls. But I know that ONLY they can find this .. and it must be done on their own as only then will they have that life altering "Ah-ha !!" moment that seals that new change .. transforming everything for them.

I'm working on this .. I am hoping that knowing is the bulk of the battle .. and that now that I know better I can start enjoying having things .. reveling in the pleasure of having something I desired .. and leaving others to find their own things that make them happy. And though I do not mind being a source for something that they TRULY may want or need .. it will be by providing them one of their OWN .. IF I am able to do so .. NOT something that I have already of MY own .. and NOT at the expense of my own well-being. We don't do our kids .. or anyone .. ANY favors giving all we have to "make" others happy .. at our own expense .. even creating in them a dependency .. or far worse .. a sense of entitlement that has also bought into YOUR lack of self worth .. with your value to them as simply a resource for having yet more in their lives.

Because you know what?? Contrary to my mothers jealousy fed .. misbegotten sense of injustice .. she's dead wrong .. because I DO deserve to have things .. to win things and further to take great immersive pleasure in the moment of having them .. and I always have been.

It's a hard habit to break .. this deeply ingrained need to divest myself of all that is good and pleasurable .. but now that I see ... and understand where it comes from .. I'm thinking I can start giving myself small things that I have longed for .. and get used to feeling good .. and STAYING feeling good about having them.

Baby steps .. baby steps .. 'til I am ready to fly. :)

Now .. if I can just get those I love to discover this too ... :\