I'm Finally Ready To Fly ... :)

Ready To Fly

I've been trying to open the door
To the secret of my destiny
And every new road I think is the one
Seems to lead right back to me

I've looked for a way to be wiser
A way to be strong
Now I see the answer was hiding
In me all along

Chorus:
And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

Restless, hopeless, and misunderstood
Like so many others I know
So busy tryin' to keep holdin' on
When I should've been letting go

I was given the gift to find it
The spirit inside me
But I never really imagined
All I could be

Chorus:
And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

The answer to all of my wonder
Was right in my hands
Now it's time for me to discover
All that I am

Chorus:
And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

I've always had wings
Now I'm finally ready to fly

By Richard Marx
My Own Best Enemy

Sometimes It's Just Time To Let Go ...

Things change all the time .. my problem, I suppose, is in recognizing that sometimes the changes that happen "to" or "for" others .. don't necessarily include me and I'm left with the sense of being left behind.

I had accepted that the new Uru Live would be proceeding without me .. and I had come to a good space with that .. there are just some things that you can do nothing about and ripping out hair and wailing the blues isn't going to change that.

Besides .. I have my friends from Uru and what could be better than that? Those friendships are not dependent on Uru's existance. They may have come about by having been involved with Until Uru .. but .. they have grown and flourished because of that indefinable "whatever-it-is" that happens between people that goes beyond what draws them together .. and keeps them together.

Lately though .. I have been struggling with the reality of what the Uru Beta has revealed. That these people that I've come to care so much about have moved into Uru Live .. neatly disguised as Beta .. into a place that I cannot even hope to go. :(

As more and more of the people I know have gotten into Beta .. I've seen less and less of them .. in There .. on D'mala .. and .. in my daughters case .. in Guild Wars. It has been an awakening to a reality that I had not entertained.

Leaving me with the awful sense of being left behind .. and losing those contacts.

I tried to explain this to a friend of mine .. (who IS in Beta, but would throw himself on a sword rather than even hint of it) of that horrible .. frustrating .. hopeless .. feeling of running along a chasm .. hoping for a spot to cross .. only to find it getting ever wider .. the other side getting farther and farther away. I don't think he got it .. as he did something a few days later .. something I would never have expected of him .. and .. breaking my faith in him like I would never have thought possible. Something .. that even though I have said I would look beyond it .. and I HAVE been trying to .. has changed things in my heart .. in ways I don't know how to fix. The final blow to my already shattered sense of being able to make good choices within online environments. Trust is such a funny thing .. it can be so fiercely strong .. yet .. is also so fragile. :(

I wish someone would tell me what there is about being in Beta that makes it totally acceptable for perfectly wonderful people to lie to others about it. I respect that people can't talk about Beta .. I've played guinea pig on shards enough to have a pretty good idea of what it entails .. so haven't been all that curious as to what's going on in it .. but .. it seems to me that anything that requires you to be deceitful .. and outright lie .. especially when the truth is so easy to see .. well .. I don't think I fit in with it anyway.

My best friend has said to me .. more than once .. that she would trust MY opinions on things .. way before she would anyone else's .. because she KNEW that I would have gathered every bit of data I could .. really thought carefully about it .. and formed my opinion .. or made a decision .. from that.

So .. after checking the forums .. and confirming to my own satisfaction who all is in Beta/Uru Live .. and after spending days upon days .. of hours alone in There or on D'mala .. I've decided it's time to wean myself away from all things Uru. The ship may be sailing without me .. but I don't have to continue to stand on the dock helplessly watching it leave with everyone I've come to care about.

I spent some time uninstalling/deleting all of my Uru clients .. and freed up nearly 10Gigs on my harddrive in the process O_O !! Gone are my H'uru client .. my Alcugs TpotS client .. my regular Until Uru and my offline game on which I had been installing the Age Builders ages. All that is left is my D'mala client .. and that is only still there because I had promised to help for the latest D'olympics/D'ni Games .. once they are completed the D'mala client goes too. Gone too .. are nearly all of my Uru/Myst forums and website links.

Also .. I've been staying away from There .. seems pointless to keep investing money in something (and boy have I been investing money in that game O_O ) when I'll be the only one there. Oh .. I'll still check into There from time to time .. and I'll be happy to spend time celebrating peoples birthdays with them. I had the best time online, in a couple of months, at my friend Kooky's birthday a week and a half ago. Nearly everyone was there and it was a great afternoon-into-evening of goofing off and having fun. :D

The thing is .. I love my friends dearly .. and I miss my friends .. I miss them all .. I miss them a lot .. and I've been feeling a bit sad and blue about it all. But I also recognize .. despite another good friends assertion to keep hopeful as he "knows" that the satellite issues are being worked on .. that it's time to let go of Uru completely. Hopefully I'll still be able to keep contact to these people I care so much for .. I guess I'll see.

Sometimes .. it's just time to let go .. in order to move forward .. :)