This Thing Called Trust

After what's gone on the past week .. and reading those posting who are dealing with their anger and betrayal .. their loss of trust .. I've spent the past couple of days pondering this thing called trust that we give to another .. and the effect it might have on those in the community .. affected by this the most deeply .. in their future online dealings.

Trust is one of the strongest most enduring gifts we offer each other. It gives us faith to believe in another .. even blindly .. when all is stacked against them .. because we believe in that person we have come to know.

Yet .. as deep as that trust can be .. as strongly as it can endure .. in the space of a tiny moment .. one careless .. thoughtless act .. can shatter it completely .. causing reverberations into areas of our lives that have had no connection to the initial betrayal and changing forever the way we deal with others.

For me .. I do not trust easily .. at least not that level of trust that is a deep and abiding faith that this other person will never hurt or betray me .. that not only can I bare my soul .. but that I confidently know that those deepest secrets will always be safe .. that they will always treat me with love and affection .. ever happy to spend time with me .. or help me if needed .. offer a shoulder to lean on in times of trial .. or to simply let me be who I am .. even if they don't always "get" me .. or even agree. Basically .. not offering all that I have in me to offer .. not initially anyway. :)

I offer trust in .. hmmm .. layers .. I guess is as good a term as any for it .. and unless HUGE alarm bells go off when I first meet someone .. I think most everyone is offered a free pass .. a certain "entry-level" of trust that opens the door to allow me to get to know them .. and to let them get to know me.

I am friendly to most people .. it's just my wiring .. I really LIKE people .. chatting with them as I get to know them .. sharing bits of my life with them. Sort of mini offerings that test the boundaries of each other .. tiny steps made into a darkness that either land on ever more solid ground .. or .. finding nothing of substance to support ever going past this intial phase of "friendliness". And that's just an assessment I personally make I guess .. almost an unconscious thing really .. and .. mostly anyway .. protects me from letting in those that would only hurt me later .. though .. some of the most damaging attacks can come from those that I never let in close anyway. :\

As people get filtered through those rings around me .. working their way ever closer .. most remain at various levels away from me .. with only a very few ever reaching that place where I trust completely. Even then .. that is still NO guarantee that misunderstandings won't develope .. disruptive personalities arrive to cause problems .. or .. as can so often happen .. we just drift apart .. which even then doesn't necessarily diminish that trust I have in the person that they are.

Cases in point on that ..

First .. I was friends with DS .. DarkSabre .. a while back .. and even though he did some things that betrayed that trust I had in him .. and he did redeem himself somewhat in his public post where he apologized but then STILL went off and dissed me .. I STILL believed in that young man that I had been friends with. Despite it all .. I KNEW that there was a good and decent young man in there .. that was no fake I had dealt with .. and his actions confounded me .. as much as they hurt me. I don't think that most people know that he and I still talk .. and I do consider myself to be a friend to him. I ran into him one of my first days in Uru Live .. of all the people to meet up with .. lol .. and we chatted and I gave him my GW name. We have run a few missions .. I even met his wife, which was nice.. and .. we had a few really good, candid talks .. held nothing back .. about all that had gone on on both sides .. cleared the air .. and we still continue to chat ingame. The big question of course is .. Do I trust him ?? .. I dunno .. despite the candor when we spoke, certainly not like before I don't think .. BUT .. easily forgiven without hesitation and I sincerely wish him NOTHING but the best. He's been through a lot .. made his own "unwise" choices with people online .. and paid the price for them. He deserves a break .. some peace AND some happiness .. and I find myself 4-square in his corner rooting for him. I did tell him that .. despite it all .. I have always believed in that funny, decent young man that always spoke so lovingly of his family .. sent me such great pictures of everyone .. and that I thought so much of because of that .. even when he made it REALLY hard to. He just laughed and said "thanks" .. then he told me that I was a really good person .. and to find happiness .. no matter what it took to find it .. because I deserved it. See ?? I knew he was a good guy in there. LOL

Second .. I have been friends with another for several years .. he even called me "Sis" for a while .. telling me that where he comes from .. family is really important .. and for him to call me that bespoke of how really important I was in his life. We spoke nearly every day .. always fresh and fun .. browsed forums together .. and he always had a talent for finding something new and silly to laugh about .. a gift for turning any moment into one of hilarity .. and offered each a safe place to talk about how we felt about things .. a place of unconditional support. I can say that I absolutely trusted him completely .. felt completely safe in allowing him into that rare space so close to me .. believing in him and offering him that most loyal of friendships in return. Then one day .. he just stopped. No reason .. no explanation .. nothing. He pretty much dropped out of sight all over the place .. but is still around as MC runs into him in GW from time to time and he chats with her on occasion. I've spent so much time trying to figure out if I did something .. anything .. and what it was .. I don't know even yet what happened .. I have run into him myself a few times in GW .. and he's always nice to chat with .. yet .. I always feel that something unsaid is left there between us .. probably just my needing to know what happened .. and not ever knowing. He even knows that I do have trust issues .. especially with online friendships .. so it is all the more upsetting that he of all people would just disappear on me .. at least without something of an explanation. Certainly my faith in him is thoroughly shaken .. not to mention my already shakey faith in myself to make good assessments of people online .. and I have been hurt by the actions he has taken .. yet .. with him also .. I KNOW I was/am right about the person that he was/is .. and for reasons that make NO rational sense .. I continue to believe in him .. and in our friendship. But .. if .. suddenly he were to start dropping by to chat again like he did before .. Would I still trust him as I had before ? .. again .. I dunno .. but I don't think so. Although I would be delighted to have him around again .. enjoy that wonderfully warm friendship .. my trust would not be as it once was .. though .. in time .. and with consistency and with an honest airing out about it all .. he might find his way back to that closer space he once had .. or nearly. ( and NO .. it's NOT tolip .. :P .. lol .. we're still good buddies .. :D )

Lastly .. I actually made a HUGE adjustment in how I let people near me after that ugliness in UU .. and I have been EXTREMELY careful since that crap with ANYONE I meet. Carefully having avoided letting ANYONE get past those outer levels since that time .. I'm always friendly .. yet always .. I keep people at arms length .. even when I have wanted to get to know someone better .. I just would not let myself take that chance. Yet despite that .. and even in the midst of the loss and confusion of that second friendship .. I have STILL been blessed with a new .. stronger friendship that has passed through all the layers .. and is someone I trust as I have few others and will fiercely protect as is my way. Initially though .. I was strictly avoiding new interactions beyond a friendly "afternoon everyone" in Alliance Chat. He just came busting on through anyway .. seeking me out .. just consistently being the really nice person he is .. and chipping away at my carefully placed defenses eventually I told him everything .. explained why I preferred to keep my distance .. and STILL he persisted .. said that that showed what a genuinely nice person I really was and made me even MORE worth knowing .. he made it awfully hard to do anything but give it a chance .. but it has been well worth it .. and I am very happy that I did. :D

Which brings me back to the actions of Ravin .. and his ultimate act of cruelly punishing all those who cared so much about him by faking his own death to get back at 1 or 2 who he felt "may" have turned on him. It was carefully planned .. if poorly executed .. over the space of at least a few days when he started setting things up by confiding in Preacher well before he made his post on Slackers about leaving. At any time he could have re-thought .. stopped the process .. yet chose to proceed full bore anyway .. so it wasn't a spur of the moment thing that was done before he had time for second thoughts. We're talking at least several days .. even a few feeble attempts at covering his online footprints .. to me .. this was clearly a pre-meditated act .. to make someone sorry for what they had done.

Keep in mind that I didn't know him except for his posts .. I think I met him once in the city on D'mala after he had finally gotten allowed onto the shard .. and said it was nice to see he had gotten in .. so my feelings are not nearly as involved as some of those on Slackers .. but I am sure there are those who would forgive all and move on .. just as there are those who would NEVER give him the chance to hurt them again.

Being who I am .. the way I am .. I wonder .. given the enormity of the actions taken by Ravin .. against those who had offered such unconditional friendship to him .. would I be able to forgive that? .. and offer such trust again should he decide to come back and make amends. I've thought long and hard about that .. and in the end I would have to say probably not. Though I might have to tolerate him in a public space such as the forum .. if he chose to pick up where he left off there .. I would probably no longer respond to him .. and would probably avoid him if I could .. I also wouldn't be mean to him either .. he'd just go to the level away from me reserved for those who are NEVER allowed to be close to me .. EVER.

I've seen no mention of anyone hearing from him .. so if anyone has they've kept it to themselves .. but I have a feeling that he isn't gone .. not completely .. as he was pretty attached to the Uru/Myst community. And even though he jumped the gun on re-entering the community as "Underhill" .. I have little doubt that even if he doesn't come back as Ravin .. he WILL definately create a new avvie to participate in the forums again. Posing the question .. Will he try to establish new friendships and ties with those he betrayed .. winning their trust anew .. and .. in effect .. perpetrating yet one more betrayal against them ?

I wish everyone the best .. and hope they all are able to move past it sooner rather than later .. but .. I do believe that each is going be changed in some way by the betrayal of trust .. it will just be a matter of degrees .. and that is the most unfortunate part of this entire thing. :\