Cierdwyn's Corner

So yeah .... we went to the UK .... :D .. Part 1

2009-11-11T14:35:00.008-04:00

I know .. it's been MONTHS .. but .. I'm doing better. It's amazing what a bout with "nervous exhaustion" will do for a person. O_o

There are a whole host of reasons that brought me to that point .. but I'm handling them better .. have reorganized my thinking and feeling about them .. and hopefully .. am on the permanent upswing from there back to my usual self. ;)

On April 28th MC and I headed to Halifax for a night flight to Scotland via Heathrow .. it was her first flight and she was SO nervous. We had a great time just waiting for boarding .. airport staff in Halifax are amazingly friendly and helpful .. and we chatted our way through security and beyoooonnnd.

After a 2 hour wait in the lounge by our gate we finally boarded our flight and got comfy in our seats .. at the back .. the VERY back no less ahaha .. and waited for take off. At 11:45PM .. as we taxied out along the runway MC says "Oh my God .. we're taking off" .. to which I responded .. "not yet darlin' .. it's only getting warmed up .. you'll know when it's taking off" .. and got a somewhat alarmed look in response. :D

When the mighty roar .. followed by that great rush happened .. I reached over and gently squeezed her hand and told her it would be fine .. she clung to my hand so tightly and I told her to look out the window as the receding view of Halifax Harbor .. outlined by the string of lights around it .. was something really beautiful to see. She loved it .. it is the last view I recall on my first flight to England when I was 17 .. and I still remember how perfect it looked.

Sleep was outta the question for us .. we chatted with the staff onboard that serviced our side of the plane .. they get EXTRA brownie points for being shocked that MC and I were NOT sisters but mother and daughter :D .. and with a few people near us .. watched a movie .. and tried to follow our flights progress on the monitor for that in the screen on the seat back but .. WE got the ONLY 2 on the entire plane that didn't work .. always showing us at 60 feet and still in Halifax. LOLOL

Sunrise came as a great wash of reddish light into the plane and MC thought it was beautiful .. not long afterward .. land .. we finally were over England!! She began taking pictures and as we began to descend and circle over London she let this excited cry out of her .. "there's the Eye!!" .. and there it was .. the London Eye .. how she spotted it amongst all that is London I'll never know but she did. lol

When we finally rolled up to the gate and left the plane .. the staff we'd been chatting with had 'specially mentioned to the captain that this was MC's first flight ever .. and he took the time to watch for her and ask her how she had liked it and thank her for being along with him as we left. Kinda' a nice thing to do I think. :)

Heathrow is one of the most massive .. confusing .. good lord pack-a-lunch-and -take-a-tent sorta places that you NEED a lot of time between flights just to get where you need to .. we had 5 and a half hours and used 3 just traversing from point of arrival to next departure point. O_O

We arrived at Terminal 3 .. walked miles of tunnels and pathways .. took a bus to another one .. walked through security and customs .. walked another 10 miles .. with a couple of stops for me to rest as .. ya' know .. the old knees aren't what they once were and they tote a heavy load at this point ;) .. and FINALLY arrived at the correct gate in Terminal 1 to catch our flight to Aberdeen. And I have to say .. the staff in London were outstanding in their friendliness and helpfulness as we made our way through that confusing area to get to Terminal 1. :)

I hadn't slept all night .. make up was LONG gone .. eyes red .. contacts killin' me .. exhausted and bedraggled .. I musta been a sight to behold straggling through that entire area .. hahahaha !! .. and when I arrived at the BMI area .. to be honest .. I didn't think I had it in me to make it till flight time. But .. with her nose keen for finding hot coffee .. there .. in our gate area .. was a place called Costa's .. and .. with 2 large cups of tea in me .. a meal of their toasted Ham & Cheese Panini .. and a few of their Raspberry & Almond Bake squares .. and I was able to keep lively the next 2 and a half hours for our flight to Aberdeen. :D Tim Horton's has got NUTHIN' on Costa's .. :)~~~~

Finally we're on our way to Aberdeen .. a MUCH smaller jet .. rattlin' along .. MC .. gazing out through the clouds and videoing our climb through them with such awe .. she reaches over and grabs my hand .. softly says "thank you for this .. " and gives me a teary smile .. "I love flying". I love her .. and am glad we are traveling together on this adventure. :)

We arrive in Aberdeen .. exhausted .. make our way to our luggage that someone has pulled off the belt .. and we wait for my oldest to find us. She is frazzled .. running late .. and grumpy .. lol .. she hugs me .. says "hi" and walks away before her sister can hug her .. "oh great" I think .. and loads us bag and baggage into her Amazon to take us to her house. I get to see 3 of my grandchildren for the very first time and my sweet Megs that I haven't seen since she was 2. I haven't words .. of any kind to adequately describe how that felt .. those dear little ones .. with such sweet faces .. I want them to know who "Gram in Canada" is .. to feel that I love them .. and to hopefully always know that even when I'm here so far away.

I visited as long as I could last .. MC and her sister went driving and shopping for a bit .. I went to bed .. truly exhausted .. glad that I had pushed through to 9PM their time .. the better to get my time swung around to UK time .. and to be rested and ready to DO things and GO places and take in as much as I could .. absorb the essence as much as the memories .. who knows how long that'll have to last me before I am there again.

We had 6 weeks ahead of us .. things planned .. and unplanned .. to do .. being rested was the first order for me. :)

Real Wishes ... Yeah .. I went there -.-

2009-07-21T22:46:00.004-03:00

Holy crap .. the things a person does when they're feelin' crappy .... O_o

Consider that link GONE .. yet the post name remains as a reminder to myself to just say 'NO' when in a down moment. :D

I'll make a REAL post soon .. as I'm doing much better .. :)

Why Women Cry

2009-04-08T18:40:00.010-03:00

A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?'

'Because I'm a woman,' she told him.

'I don't understand,' he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.'

Later the little boy asked his father,

'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?'

'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man,

still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God.

When God answered, he asked,

'God, why do women cry so easily?'

God said:

'When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough
to carry the weight of the world,
yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength
to endure childbirth
and the rejection
that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness
that allows her to keep going
when everyone else gives up,
and take care of her family
through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children
under any and all circumstances,
even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults
and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know
that a good husband never hurts his wife,
but sometimes tests her strengths
and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.
This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.'

'You see my son,' said God,

'the beauty of a woman is not
in the clothes she wears,
the figure that she carries,
or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes,
because that is the doorway to her heart
- the place where love resides.'

~~ My sister sent me this .. truly only another woman can understand. ~~

An Empty Space In My Heart

2009-02-25T13:11:00.007-04:00

I've been really good friends with someone the best part of 2 years now .. just one of the dearest people you could ever be blessed to find.

About a year ago .. something actually quite good happened for them .. yet it seemed to unsettle them greatly .. as if in doing for themselves they had somehow done something wrong .. as if they didn't deserve it .. they were wracked with guilt .. even though they did do for others with some of the good fortune .. still .. they felt terrible for having done for themselves.

They seemed to distance themselves a bit from me for a time .. and though that straightened itself out .. they began distancing themselves from a number of other things that gave them pleasure .. and I tried to encourage them to keep having fun in the places they always had .. doing for themselves as they so richly deserved to be happy.

About 3 months ago things began to come to some sort of critical mass .. they were an emotional wreck .. prone to feeling depressed .. anxious about how their life seemed to turn the opposite of what they wanted .. and it was a sad anniversary which I am sure compounded these ever growing feelings of dejection and unworthiness .. and even their family became worried enough to keep them surrounded and occupied .. not left alone.

They came around less and less ... and I became more and more concerned .. Christmas seemed to cheer them somewhat .. we had some lovely visits during that time .. but .. into the new year .. and the slide became an avalanche into depression and self loathing .. cutting themselves off from nearly everyone but family .. yet feeling abandoned by even them.

Compounding everything is the fact that they've gained a LOT of weight in a relatively short period of time .. to the point that they confessed that they feel very ashamed .. and it seems that the nicer and more understanding I've been about it all .. the more in the opposite direction from me they've gone .. I figure a case of THEY don't feel worthy .. even feel they are a "bad" person .. and the more I try to let 'em know that they ARE worthy .. the more they resist because they genuinely don't think that they deserve it. They're looking for what validates the negative .. they want no part of anything that says they are good. :\

It has culminated in a break down of some sort .. I had sent an email asking about what was happening with them .. their behaviors have been so erratic .. they responded very nicely .. but it seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back .. and now they are home and medicated and seeing a professional to talk to .. thank God .. after having spent a few days "away".

As hard as it has been to accept .. they are NOT the same person I have known previous to this period of time. And it breaks my heart in more ways than I can ever share.

Thing is .. I KNOW this person so very well at this point .. they ARE a good and decent human being .. kind and caring .. compassionate and loving .. and so much more of a softy then they prefer people to know. And ... despite it all .. I love them dearly .. and believe in the good person that I know them to be .. and I keep a constant prayer in my heart for them to become again .. healthy .. and happy ... and whole .. as they so richly deserve .. if only .. if ONLY they could fully realize that in their own heart.

That THEY have value .. are valuable .. and deserve to be at the front of the line for all the goodness handed out in the world .. that they are just as important as those they put first all the time.

I miss my friend terribly .. I worry about them constantly .. and have them always in my thoughts .. and .. I know that once they start to become well again .. get back to right thinking .. they are gonna feel like crap for some of the stuff they've done. :\

My health has suffered greatly because of this stress too.

Yet .. despite it all .. I believe in and have faith in them .. with my whole heart .. I believe in them. I believe in their goodness .. I believe in their decency .. I believe in their kindness .. I believe in their humor .. I believe in their patience .. and especially I believe in their capacity for love and affection. I believe in them .. have faith in them .. and the wonderful person that I know they are.

So now .. I have let them go .. as I must .. to do whatever they must to become whole again .. and pray they one day find their way back to me .. and the lovely space we have shared .. because .. the light is always on .. my door is forever open .. for them.

Tryin' Something New

2009-02-11T20:25:00.014-04:00

I have been particularly stressed as of late .. and I mean REALLY stressed .. uncharacteristically so for me I can assure you. I'm not sleeping .. except when exhaustion gives me no choice .. and then it's not restful sleep. My gut is in knots nearly all of the time .. I weep on and off throughout the day .. sometimes so anguished it scares me .. and I'm even off eating .. something quite unusual for me .. and maybe not entirely a bad thing. O_o

I seem so utterly focused on what I do NOT want .. and how distressing that is .. that I seem to get experiences of more of it .. because that's what I'm focusing on .. and the more I focus on it .. the more I'm experiencing it .. and the more I experience it .. the more I focus on it ......... and on goes the vicious cycle.

Though not going into any details as to what's going on .. let's just say the stress reaction is a repeat of a pattern I've fought with most of my life. :\

I have practiced EFT for a couple of years now .. I've found it quite helpful with a number of things .. but though it's helped to alleviate this current stuff somewhat for periods of time .. I haven't been able to clear it all and for good .. and that's only adding to my frustration .. and stress.

By some weird bit of coincidence .. while cruising around looking for more EFT info and sessions to help me find ways to relieve stress and perhaps break my pattern of focusing on that stress .. I came upon some info about a different method .. followed a link to get the sample first disk .. and had a go at it. I mean .. why not .. at that point what had I to lose .. sleep? O_o

That little sample actually helped.

Now .. I'm not gonna say it has made everything rainbows and butterflies for me .. but .. I AM sleeping a bit better the past week .. and can clear the knots for periods of time .. before something pulls my attention back to the "issues". But .. I'm not even half way through the disks .. there's a lot of them O_O .. so we'll see how it progresses as I continue with them.

Seeing as it's an obscene amount of money for the darned thing .. and quite simply I can't afford anything extra that costs *that* kinda money ( and before you mention my purse .. discount clearance centre for 20 bucks ) at the moment what with my husband's company feelin' the economic pinch and passing it on to the employees with cut hours, etc., .. I searched btjunkie ( hush now .. ;) ) and got a couple of bittorents and downloaded the basic method set and the advanced method set .. and have been working my way slowly through the basic set .. finishing disk 6 earlier today.

I plan on finishing both sets then picking and choosing the sessions that may require more attention.

It's called The Sedona Method .. and I quite like the way it's presented and the clearing out and releasing of old patterns of emotion that it is aimed at helping release .. so I'm willing to give it the time and attention to give it a fair shot.

I thought I'd pass this along to anyone who might be interested. Can't hurt .. may even help. :)

This is the search I used for it .. and the 3 torrent files I got were named .. The Sedona Method Course .. Hale Dwoskin - 4-in1 Supercourse! The Sedona Method Workbook .. and Hale Dwoskin - Sedona Method Advanced. ( I use this client btw.)

So far .. I'm pleased .. and it IS helping .. actually sleeping a bit more is helping in and of itself .. now IF I can just eliminate that effing knot that keeps coming back to overwhelm me .. AND truly turn my attention to positive things .. actually become RELAXED most of the time .. THEN I'll know it's REALLY working as intended. :\

Finally .. At Last .. Sorta ..... ;)

2009-02-09T17:48:00.005-04:00

It's taken a while .. but I finally decided on a nice new purse. It STILL isn't as long a strap as I would want .. BUT .. it IS a nice enough one that it passes muster and will be carrying my assorted junk to Scotland in May .. and keeping me happy for a good long while .. mostly .. ;)

*goes off muttering about the strap needing to be juuuust a wee bit longer* ;)

Happy Canthan New Year !!

2009-02-03T17:06:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year again .. the Canthan New Year 2009 celebration is upon us. During the weekend of Friday January 30th to Monday February 2nd .. it's time to gather the bits for the grand feast .. and hope we please the celestial beast .. which this year is the Ox.

Though the 3 major cities of each continent are decorated .. ONLY Shing Jea Monastery is the site of the festivities. From running a series of quests from Shing Jea ( there is though, 1 outside Kamadan and one in LA ) .. to cashing in Lunar Tokens for goodies .. to standing on the rings to up your lucky and unlucky title points .. to pleasing the celestial Ox and receiving the bounty of his blessings .. it's off to have fun for the best part of 4 days .. and spend ridiculous amounts of ingame cash towards those titles. :D

Lion's Arch

Kamadan

Shing Jea

"Me" with my new baby mini-pet Celestial Ox ;)

MC and I had our usual great time .. spent our time doing quests on a slew of avvies .. so got a ton of Lunar Tokens .. and we each got multiples of the Celestial Ox mini-pet to share .. and also put in our hours standing on the rings for title gain .. and muckin' about with ShadowCats and Rex Havoc. :D

A Lesson Most Truly Earned

2009-01-22T20:34:00.006-04:00

Class .. *taps board with pointer* .. does anyone have any idea what this ^ is??

Don't be fooled into thinking that it is *just* an ordinary box of Kleenex tissue .. ooooohhh dearie nooooo.

This .. THIS .. is the weapon I have chosen to teach the young woman who coughed wildly all over MC and I while we sat at the cafe at our local supermarket while her dad shuffled through the checkout .. a lesson .. a lesson she will not soon forget. :\

With every resounding *thwap* she will hear .. "didn't .. your .. mother .. ever .. teach .. you .. to .. cover .. your .. mouth .. WHEN YOU COUGH?!?!?!

Because .. that phage she gave us was a doozy .. and a good beating may be the only thing to save future folks from suffering the same miserable fate as MC and I have had the past .. forever .. okay .. best part of 4 ... 4 !!! ... weeks.

I've felt like shit most of this time .. both of us either in our beds or eventually propped up in the living room sipping homemade soup and trying to keep track of the noxious tissues that may require burning to keep the plague contained.

Started with fever .. sore throat .. headache .. moved on to copious amounts of .. stuff .. blown out .. I can't count the number of boxes of Kleenex .. with lotion of course ;) .. that we've gone through .. ears so clogged I could barely hear anything and coupled with stabbing pains.

Though I still did my usual herbal stuff .. homeopathics .. coconut oil and such .. I even resorted to hardcore mainstream cough syrups just to get a decent nights sleep for crying out loud .. but .. I STILL have a cough .. AND .. I think I've become seriously addicted to Fisherman's Friend Cherry lozenges. O_o

For what we've gone through .. I had considered administering a fatal beating .. certainly she's earned it .. however .. that lets her off the hook for her carelessness FAR too easily .. and she will have learned NOTHING .. so a good sound thrashing about the head and shoulders with a box of Kleenex it shall be.

I just hope I don't use up all the Kleenex in it BEFORE I find her ....... ;)

~ Wintersday Greetings ~

2008-12-27T19:08:00.002-04:00

Wintersday Greetings From Guild Wars :)

Wintersday is Guild Wars presentation of a winters festival that embodies the spirit of the season in all of the best and most fun ways. Wintersday 2008 was just a whole lot of fun with new quests added to new areas and redoing original quests for items and gifts .. with new drops and quest rewards like new summoning stones and funny tonics .. snowball fights against other players in a snowball arena .. and the culmination of the great battle between Dwayna and Grenth for the hearts and minds of the people rewards of gifties and a couple of funny new hats .. and for the 1 week I was well enough to enjoy it I made the most of it. :D

All the major areas were decorated for this event as well .. except areas in Canthan/Factions .. which is not set to celebrate it at all.

As usual .. a seasonal adjustment to our guild hall and cape. :)

Kamadan

Ascalon

Droknar's Forge

Lion's Arch

The Eye of the North

I ran gifts .. with grentchies hot on my trail .. to get a gift for a gift from Scrappy Jhim in Lion's Arch.

I farmed the snow caves for candy cane shards tradable for more gifts and items .. in the hopes of the elusive mini pet Wintersday Polar Bear .. complete with a merry band of grentchies to help me .. or to hinder .. depending on the quest I took.

Standing on the rings on Dwayna's side in Kamadan.

Standing on the rings on Grenth's side in Lion's Arch.

In all .. for the short while I played .. I had .. as always .. a great time .. and now .. look forward to the upcoming Canthan New Year festival. :D

And .. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before .. but .. I REALLY love Guild Wars. ;)

**Note : I know this is late .. I had started it just after my eyes cleared up .. but I had a one week grace period before getting hit with a wicked cold .. so back down again .. and am really just getting back to my normal self again. :\

Let's Set The Holiday Mood ;)

2008-12-20T18:06:00.003-04:00

I was first introduced to this rendition several years ago on The Sneeze .. and it is without a doubt my favorite version of this festive tune. :D

It is just not Christmas here anymore without at least once having this unique vocal styling ringing throughout our house each Christmas.

Please enjoy .. it will lift you to tears as you've rarely known .. and .. just when you think it couldn't possibly deliver more .. oh it does .. it most certainly does. ;)

O Holy Crap .. erm.. Night

Regarding The NOT SO Dearly Departed

2008-12-19T11:11:00.007-04:00

Although I can appreciate .. and have sympathy for .. those he chose to shine the light of his benevolent grace upon who may be saddened by his loss .. those of us (and there are MANY) who lived in the shadow of his meanness .. his cruelty .. and his vengeful wrath with singleminded purpose to drive us out of Until Uru .. along with the pain and stress of those attacks .. and who was clearly unrepentant to his very end .. WE are NOT the LEAST bit sorry to see the back of him.

Having made NO secret of my feelings for this guy over the things he did to myself and my daughter .. I would be naught but a hypocrite if I were to suddenly be awash in grief .. as just because someone who was mean-as-hell passes .. does NOTHING to negate .. or excuse .. who they were and what they perpetrated upon others.

Funny thing is .. when I read it .. I felt absolutely nothing .. but had one thought .. now .. NOW he knows .. as I believe firmly in the "post life" review .. so NOW he knows ..and gets to feel EXACTLY how devastated others he attacked felt.

And that's ALL I've got to say 'bout that .. * offers a box of chocolates *

;)

Misery Thy Name Is .. Pink Eye >.<

2008-12-18T10:32:00.003-04:00

I have been suffering with yet one more nuisance ailment that is utterly miserable.

For the past 3 weeks I've had a particularly nasty bout of viral pink eye.

It started with a week of itchy eyes .. and constantly cleaning my contacts as they just seemed to ever more frequently get smeared. I thought it was that my eyes didn't like the new contact lens solution I'd been forced to switch to as the one I've used for a few years now is not gonna be made anymore .. leaving me in the position of having to find something new that my eyes will like. *cries*

But it got progressively worse .. and probably made worse as I just kept on wearing my lenses .. with my best friend commenting that my left eye was looking swollen as we returned from a nice lunch out.

It STILL didn't occur to me that there was a problem until about 5 days after when my eyes turned red and watery and ... yucky .. that it finally dawned that *something* else might be happening.

Antibiotic drops didn't help ..so not bacterial.

Antihistamine didn't help .. so not allergy related.

Leaving ..... viral .. and a particularly nasty viral at that .. and .. of coure .. absolutely NOTHING that can be done except ride it out .. and keep the contacts OUT idiot!!

About the seventh day of it I awoke to great sacks of fluid ringed under my eyes .. yeah .. great ... :\

I spent the next half hour online sobbing to my friend Alan .. bless his heart .. and making a bad situation look far worse for the effort too.

I sat for hours with chilled chamomille tea bags on my eyes .. there's a sight for the famiy .. and finally searched online and found a concoction of 1 Tablespoon of organic coconut oil (I used Omega) mixed smooth with a dozen drops of Thursday Plantation tea tree oil. This I smeared a tiny dab across my lash line and let it work its way into my eyes. You might think it'd burn but it was cooling and soothing and by the next day my eyes were feeling much better .. and have steadily improved each day since faithfully using that.

I'm STILL not fully healed .. my eyes are only slightly pinkish .. the swelling nearly all gone .. and my eyes are not oozing copious amounts of .. guck .. all night now .. though I suspect I am still contagious as they do a bit .. so all symptoms are not completely gone.

My bedding and pillow cases are frequently washed .. and I've been absolutley rabid about .. several times a day .. Clorox wiping wherever I've been .. because I would HATE for anyone else to catch this .. especially so close to Christmas too .. and as we all know .. where "Bambi goes .. nuthin' grows" .. in these cases. ;)

I have several posts queued up that are gathering dust and will get them posted soon as I'm feelin' better and can use my lenses again .. I did this one in HUGE print in my wordpad .. before cutting and pasting here. :D

A Quick Question

2008-11-14T22:12:00.008-04:00

Who in the heck is it exactly that I have to sleep with to get a purse in the style .. and price .. and size .. and color .. and strap length .. that I want ??!!

*Unfastens top shirt button* .. I'm quite willing to do so at this point .... O_o

'Cuz .. I'm *still* looking ... -.-

Thanks so much ;)

Some Peoples Kids

2008-11-13T11:30:00.010-04:00

It's been a while now .. I think I was just waiting until I was satisfied that she was through the worst of it all .. and feeling more whole again.

My best friend went away to live with the man she's waited for for many, many years. And now she's back .. to stay.

It seems that this fella's ADULT children .. at least a couple of them .. decided they didn't like her in their fathers life .. and have seen to it that she won't be living there .. with *their* father .. any longer.

In fairness .. 2 of them were very warm and welcoming of her and treated her well .. and having been open to getting to know her .. discovered what a wonderful person she is. The other 2 however .. his son and his oldest daughter .. refused to give her a chance .. not even deigning to meet her.

The father .. was most supportive of my best friend .. of his relationship with her .. even in the face of that resistance .. adamantly assuring her of the importance of their relationship .. of her to him.

Until .. there was a funeral of a family member that all .. naturally .. showed up for. My best friend .. being who she is .. tried to approach the 2 and introduced herself to them. What ensued still leaves me shaking my head in the wonder at the selfishness of people .. and their need to have utter control over anothers life .. and the dramatic efforts they will stretch to in order to get things their way.

Upon offering her hand as she introduced herself .. the oldest daughter began to cry .. great wracking sobs .. loudly .. causing her father to immediately rush to where she was .. my friend standing there in a state of complete surprise at the outburst.

As soon as he arrived .. she got louder .. and began screaming at him .. in french .. rambling .. pointing at my best friend .. and shoving her dad.

Of course the other siblings joined in .. adding their own ravings .. punctuated by great wavings of arms and pointing at my friend.

The father giving as good as he got too .. by the way.

At one point .. in english he roared something to the effect of .."what do you expect of me .. to live alone the rest of my life?? Your mother has been dead for 18 years!!" Resulting in an even more violent outburst from that oldest daughter.

My friend .. stood a moment .. took in this over-the-top scene .. she said she was nearly emotionless .. just observing .. then headed to track down a box of Kleenex. Once found she returned .. and set it on a coffee table near them.

All hollering ceased .. they all looked at her .. politely said "thank you" .. then immediately resumed screaming at each other. O_o

She escaped to the kitchen and stood a long while looking out a window .. wondering .. for the first time .. what in the hell had she gotten herself into.

Eventually he decided he had had enough and with one final roar at his daughter .. came to collect my friend and be on their way.

They didn't speak of any of it until the following day .. him mostly to say he was glad it had been in french as some of the things said were more than a little derogatory .. and embarrassed him that any of his children would behave that way. He further offered that this older daughter NEVER bothered with him except when she was in need of money .. or something he had .. otherwise he never heard from her .. not even for his birthday or fathers day.

Now .. just so all are clear on this .. this man is in his early 60's ... his children are all either late 30's early 40's .. so NOT small "children" by ANY stretch of the imagination !!

Things were strained a bit between them .. I suppose he was struggling with the weight of the guilt laid on him by the oldest .. who was the one with the biggest hate on. She called me one morning while he was in church .. sounding strained and upset .. told me what had been happening. I tried to reassure her that as long as he was seeing it all for what it was .. not letting the daughter get to him .. to just hang in there and ride it out .. as the daughters reaction had not been unanticipated .. and told her to call me whenever she just needed to hear a caring voice .. or a safe place to vent.

The son .. to his credit .. actually showed up a couple of days later to tell my friend and his father that he .. the dad .. was correct .. that he had every right to live his life however he saw fit .. and with whoever he chose .. respectfully promising that he would not make an issue of it any further and politely apologizing to my friend for his behavior.

The daughter however .. not giving an inch. Even calling to tell her father that she would NOT tolerate an "englishwoman" living in her mothers house. You know .. the one that's been dead for 18 years. And who .. according to the father .. she had been on lousy terms with while she WAS alive. O_o

There was some discussion between them .. my friend and this man .. his growing distress of the situation becoming more evident .. so she suggested that perhaps she would return home for a bit to give him some time to think. And .. truth be told .. she needed to be near people that loved her .. would shelter her .. family and friends that cared for HER.

He drove her back here .. promising that he would sort it all out .. that if the house meant so much to his daughter he would simply give it to her .. he is a pretty well off fella .. they would go house hunting when she returned and that would remove that little issue.

After a few weeks home he stopped calling her .. not even responding to the few messages she left on his answering machine .. she told me that it was making her uneasy .. and I told her I didn't blame her on that either.

6 weeks later he sent her a note saying that .. although he was always gonna love her .. he had decided that perhaps it would be for the best if he ended their relationship. That the decision was his alone .. then added .. "well .. maybe Genevieve has helped". Somewhere along the line .. alone I suppose .. she finally beat him down and got things her way.

Thing is .. you can't even be truly angry at her .. despite her deplorable behavior .. because .. in the end .. it comes down to one thing .. HE let her make this decision for him by going along with .. what amounts to .. her throwing as wild a temper tantrum as it took to have things her own way. MY thinking is that she was just not wanting to chance losing her share of .. what will amount to .. a very generous inheritance .. but .. you didn't hear that from me. ;)

I don't know .. it must be the way I was raised .. the example my parents .. especially my father .. set for us .. but .. I understand fully that my parents are people first and deserve to live their lives in whatever way they see fit .. whether I "like" it or not. And it's completely the right thing for them to do.

We were .. are .. entitled to how we feel about it .. and to express that .. even if we are angry in the moment .. BUT .. don't count on it changing their decision. That is up to them .. and them alone .. and despite it all .. like it or not .. I have always respected that .. and would never have pulled what that "kid" did. I wouldn't have dared .. because my father would have put me roundly in my place .. no matter what my age .. uh .. HUH !! O_O

For a while she seemed so utterly sad .. in a way I had not known in her before .. and down on herself .. believing that she will always be alone .. as WHO else would .. could .. ever want a 58 year old "witch". I assured her that a few months around a small few who treated her badly would never change the wonderfully sweet caring woman she is .. that there will be someone else come along that will be quite taken with her sweetness and her vivaciousness that shines .. not to mention she's a very attractive lady too. Then I hugged her .. and she cried .. and I cried with her .. and thanked each other for always being there for the other.

My friend is doing much better now .. she kept busy working through the fall .. she managed a farm market and working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, lugging 50 pound bags of veggies around will take the fight out of anyone. We had a lovely fun lunch for my birthday .. and she was here for some support that I've needed as of late .. so time is doing what it's supposed to .. it just seems so terribly wrong that anyone could treat her .. of all people .. so callously .. and .. I'm meaning HIM .. because not only did he cave to the daughter .. he obviously lacks the spinal fortitude .. or the nads .. to speak directly to her in ending it .. hiding like a coward behind a note .. depriving her of a chance to say anything.

This whole thing really got me to thinking about my situation .. and I know for me .. thanks to some stern .. sometimes painful .. but right-on parenting examples from MY parents .. when it's my turn to go where my heart takes me .. I love you my dearest babies with all my heart .. but .. it's my turn to fly .. and with you wishing me well .. or not .. I'll be doing exactly that. ;)

Gimme Yer Lunch Money Kid

2008-11-10T11:22:00.031-04:00

Or at least your Hallowe'en candy .. Muwahahahaha........

I never tired of seeing that "Trick-or-Treat Bag" drop .. as I beat the stuffing out of something. :D

One of the things that happens in Guild Wars that is just FUN .. and .. that turns me into a low-level area farming machine .. spending hours rounding up various critters to mass kill them for their special items .. are the events. Usually there is something each weekend .. something for PvE .. or just PvP .. but *something* goes on.

Periodically there are very special events like Wintersday .. or Canthan New Year festivals which give you special quests and drops and such .. and generally last a weekish. Or something as simple as special drops for the St. Patricks Day's Lucky Weekend .. or .. International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which was a fun surprise they gave us this year. :)

From Friday, October 24th through Sunday, November 2nd at midnight .. it's Hallowe'en .. Guild Wars style .. with the cities of Kamadan and Lion's Arch fully decorated to put us in the mood for Hallowe'en. As well as Droknor's Forge and Tomb of the Primeval Kings. Along with that .. special drops from critters you kill .. called Trick-or-Treat Bags that contain a variety of goodies .. are yours for the taking if you have the time and inclination .. which I DO. :D Those bags contain a slew of items from Transmogrifier Tonics which turns you into something fun .. to consummables like Pumpkin Cookies which actually give you a boost against things you fight.

There are special collectors in various towns that you can take certain critter bits that drop .. such as mandragor carapaces and ornate grawl necklaces .. and trade them for event items like tonics and absinthe and such. Also .. there is a Costume Brawl .. a PvP event where you randomly look like any of a handful of ingame NPC's instead of your usual avvie .. and using the skills of that characters profession .. you go battling others who also like 'live' targets to tussle with. lol

To top it off .. starting at midnight Pacific Friday ( that was 4 am our time .. and you can be sure MC was hitchin' on the starting blocks for that lolol ) the hilariously fierce Mad King Thorn begins the first of his arrivals in Kamadan and Lion's Arch .. he will arrive every 3 hours after that until midnight Pacific on Saturday the 31st. He tells jokes requiring you to /laugh at the punchline .. and some actually made me laugh outright :D .. he asks questions that require a swift and correct /emot response .. else .. punishment is swift .. certain .. and severe .. if he says DANCE!! .. you /dance like your life depends on it .. cuz it does .. O_o

Challenging the occasional partier to a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors also poses a risk to the chosen avvie .. but .. /rock always seems to have the best chance of survival for some reason .. not always though .. as I found out. LOL Then moving finally to his own macabre li'l game of Mad King Thorn says. And you had better get it right and fast .. cuz you will wind up a blackened heap on the ground .. till he rez's you and you get to try again .. lololol :D Correct answers get you a Trick-or-treat bag .. incorrect answers .. get you a short moment of being dead .. the better to reflect on your mistakes. O_o

After about a half an hour of this .. as he makes his departure .. he 'gifts' you with a Hallowe'en mask. There are 2 to be gotten .. one from his appearances in Kamadan .. and one from his appearances in Lion's Arch. The 2 masks given this year are the Zombie Face Paint .. and the Lupine. Pretty cool little additions .. though .. I am still holding out hope for a new style Pumpkin mask and a Witches hat .. they were offered before I started playing and I would love a chance to get them.

This was my second Hallowe'en in Guild Wars .. and it was easily as much fun this time as last .. no question. I farmed almost 4 stacks ( 250 to a stack ) of the Trick-or-Treat bags ( I would have gotten more but I did spend several days helping our newest guildie with the game which was fun in itself ) .. just solo farming low level areas .. as I find that the least stressful ;) .. and that includes the extended weekend of T-o-T drops to make up for accidentally shutting the event down 24 hours earlier than promised .. an oversite A-net claims was made by whoever programmed in the times. Those gave me oodles of Pumpkin Cookies .. Candy Apples .. Candy Corn .. which I will use up while vanquishing .. Absinthe .. Witches Brews .. which are for my Drunkard Title ( don't ask O_o ) and are the items I kept for myself to use. Plus .. I got a bunch of Transmogrifier Tonics .. Ghost-In-The-Boxes .. Squash Serums that I gave to MC who is working on her Party Animal title .. and again .. don't ask .. ;)

Hallowe'en in Guild Wars .. 2008

Necrid horsemen collector .. this one is in Ascalon .. but they can be found in a number of places in both Elona and Tyria. Trade a variety of critter bits that drop for a slew of event items. :D

Trick or Treat bags .. plus some of what they contain .. cute li'l things .. yes? :D

MC always goes all out for the events .. and this is no exception .. she swapped out our usual Isle of Meditation Guild Hall for something a bit more Hallowe'enish .. and redesigned the cape for the event too.

Lion's Arch decorated for Hallowe'en.

MC and I with one of Mad King Thorns candy corn guards - pre his arrival. I SO want one of those pumpkin masks she's wearing!!

MC .. in a candy corn suit .. in the presence of THE Mad King Thorn. lolol

Kamadan decorated for Hallowe'en.

Aaaannnnd .. what would Hallowe'en be without vandals ?? LOL

It is amazing how they pull this event off. There are dozens and dozens of districts for each of the world wide servers. So .. seeing American English District 89 .. OR .. European English District 62 .. is NOT uncommon .. or higher for some events .. and who knows what the count is for foreign non-english servers .. and Asian servers too .. plus the International districts. I've no idea how many people it takes to max out an area .. but it's a LOT more then you would have ever seen in the city in Uru .. it's got to be more then a hundred though in EACH of those 89 disctricts. There IS lag at these events .. but nothing near as severe as what you would have seen in Ae'gura with 20 people in that space. The Mad King shows up simultaneously in each district every 3 hours .. with small time variations for the most recently formed districts. That's HUNDREDS of districts .. EVERY 3 hours .. with minimal lag .. EVEN ON DIALUP. *whistles* .. Cyan could learn a thing or 10 from how this 'event' is run. I'm .. just .. sayin' .. ;)

Anyway .. we should be getting Slices of Pumpkin Pie and Hard Apple Cider drops for the US Thanksgiving .. and .. coming soon after will be Wintersday .. which is busy with lots of drops and some quests to do .. as well as the challenges to clear the Grenches in the snowman cave .. and actual snowball fights. lolol

In the meantime I am nearly finished my fugly weapons project for my Hall of Monuments .. and my li'l Dervish lady really WANTS Vabbian elite armor .. she's so hard to say "no" to .. ;) ..and I hope to get some more zones vanquished across all campaigns .. so .. I've got plenty to keep me going between events. :D

Oh yeah .. and have I mentioned .. how much I REALLY love Guild Wars?? :D

Yeah .. That's Right .. I'm 50 !!

2008-10-28T23:22:00.005-03:00

.... And as traumatizing as I *thought* that might be .. it's been pretty nice. :D

I woke up to the lovely sound of rain spattering against my bedroom window .. though that might put some people in an off mood .. it's a sound I just LOVE .. so soothing and relaxing that I snuggled cozily into my blankets to listen to it for a bit.

Soon after hearing me shuffling about in my bed .. MC's new li'l tiny tot came in and curled up into my arms for her morning cuddle .. and there is nothing quite so utterly pleasing than running your fingers through the silky softness of a contentedly purring ball of fluff.

I was greeted when I made my way downstairs to a big warm smile and close hug from my best friend .. who had arrived while I was in the shower LOL .. a pot of tea steeped and ready to go .. a few beautiful gifts from her and MC .. and a sinfully decadent chocolate cheesecake for my birthday cake .. mounded with chocolate mousse .. on a dark crunchy chocolate base .. drizzled with dark chocolate and decorated with shaved dark chocolate bits and slivered almonds that MC had gotten for me. O_O

Truly the brunch of champions. :D

After chatting a while .. off to a long leisurely lunch and a cozy chat with my best friend. I have had something wonderful developing in my life the past few months .. and she's back from her 'adventure' .. so we had LOTS to talk about .. but I'll get to her in another post. ;)

Among the lot of great birthday wishes today from family and friends spread far and wide .. I got a sweet birthday message from Rex Havoc on my phone's answering machine .. so sorry I missed his call .. and as a birthday gift dear ShadowCats gave me a mini-pet raptor in GW that I am delighted with .. :D. And my 75 year old father called me .. and had such a funny conversation with him .. I do love him so dearly. A few nice birthday wishes on a couple of forums .. one from my dear friend Tyr on my Yahoo which was a lovely surprise .. and a few hours spent curled up chatting with someone quite special to me. :)

I got a couple of nice compliments .. our waitress told me that I didn't look old enough to have children old enough to have kids .. much less old enough to be a gramma .. which was VERY nice to hear .. and she got a nice tip. :D

And was later told that I was a MILF .. which I had to look up O_o .. but .. actually I really found quite flattering .. but I told him he needed to change the M to a G - for Gramma instead of Mother.. which he was quite fine with too. LOLOL :D

Must be the fact that my hair is STILL mostly my natural brown color with only a few grey strands in it that are unceremoniously yanked the second I notice them .. and being .. erm .. fluffy .. yeah .. that's it .. I'm "fluffy" .. sort of keeps facial lines at bay .. and gives me a slight boost into still looking younger than I really am. That and good genetics .. my whole family is like this .. none of us ever look as old as we actually are. :D

In all I'd have to say I had a nice 'birthing' into my next decade .. which has sort of eased any trauma that turning 50 might have had. Truly I have been blessed with the best .. most loving .. of people in my life and I look forward to seeing what developes in this new phase of my life. :)

Oh .. and I am SO seriously looking into taking up that whole "MILF" thingy offer .. *blush* ;)

Gnarly Disclaimer

2008-10-27T00:11:00.001-03:00

Before people start reading my blog .. and getting their knickers in a knot .. I want something understood.

This is MY space .. where I relate MY feelings .. about MY experiences .. and MY conclusions based on MY interpretation of events .. peoples behaviors that I have either DIRECTLY experienced .. OR .. have DIRECTLY observed.

I make NO apologies for MY feelings .. nor should ANYONE have to. :)

In reading what I have posted here .. you "may" find posts about someone that YOU have had a positive experience with .. and that is lovely for YOU.

If MY experience has NOT been as positive .. has been downright fully NEGATIVE with that same person .. and I express MY feelings on MY experience with that person here .. that is MY right to do so .. as it is also YOUR right to turf your link to this site and pretend I never existed. ;)

Understand also that I expect NO one to feel as I do .. or believe as I do .. about anyone or thing I speak of .. as these are only MY expressions of MY feelings .. how YOU feel is uniquely individual to YOU and YOUR experiences .. I would never dream of diminishing YOUR right to feel however YOU feel. :)

Read on if you choose .. I don't hold much back about how I feel about anything. I spent most of my life NOT expressing honestly how I feel about things .. I chose some while back to never do that anymore .. and believe me I am a far happier person for that decision. ;)

And again .. feel free to exercise YOUR right to delete your link here and never return .. if YOU feel you must .. because what you see here .. is how it's always gonna be .. so you are warned. ;)

Cuteness Overload in .. 3 .. 2 .. 1 ..

2008-10-19T19:33:00.006-03:00

I have been very fortunate in my life with many things. The most important of all of those things has been my girls .. Leslie and Lisa ( who most know as MC lol ). There have never been words to express how very important and dear to me they are .. but their arrivals were the 2 happiest .. most important days in my life. They have both grown into the loveliest .. sweetest young women that make their mother proud in all ways. :)

One of the wonderful things that happens is that as they grow older .. you sort of get an idea of how you did as a parent as they move on into their own lives .. adults in their own right and making their way into the world. But .. one of the hardest things that comes with that is them moving away to do that. All you can do is pray that your relationship with them remains strong no matter time nor distance .. and watch them soar on their own.

With my oldest daughter Leslie .. she met a really dear young man online .. and at the "ripe" ol' age of 18 flew the nest .. all the way to Scotland .. to begin their life together. Easily .. the most difficult thing I have EVER done is make that trek to the airport .. and watch her pass through those gates and disappear onto the plane that spirited her away. I clung to her with all I had .. a floodgate of tears bursting free that I could hold back no longer .. and through sobs .. told her simply to be happy .. as that really is all I could want for her .. no matter where she may find herself.

As all things do of course .. everything settled into it's new order .. my fears and tears relaxed .. Glen is a lovely young man who we are quite fond of .. and we found ourselves stepping into the next delightful phase .. GRANDCHILDREN !! :D

She and her husband have blessed us with 4 of the dearest little grandchildren. I have met the oldest one twice .. and not yet met the younger 3 .. but that is something that I WILL be rectifying come this April-ish. Oh heck yes .. and I cannot wait !!

There are so many times I wish I were closer to them .. I miss her .. them .. so much .. but love for ones children is as strong a force as there ever could be. For a long time I wondered how my grandmother in Ontario .. that I rarely was able to see .. could still always love me so much as she did .. we were so far away .. but I know now how strong that love is .. you simply do with all you have in you .. and I understand fully now that there isn't a distance far enough that could diminish the love I have for my grandchildren. :)

My daughter has recently started a Facebook page and has begun posting pictures of the children in albums there .. O_O .. you cannot imagine my delight. :D

Though I speak often of them .. to anyone who will listen :D .. I have never shown any pictures .. so .. with her permission .. I introduce Leslie .. her dear husband Glen .. and my grand babies Megan ( the oldest ) .. Caitlin ( the 'middle' child who will never be lost there ;) ) .. and Aidan and Lewis ( the twins ).

Leslie - so beautiful .. yes? :)

Glen with Megan - he is just such a good daddy :)

Megan and Caitlin .. tooo sweet

Caitlin with Ritzy

Aidan and Lewis - utterly adorable !!

Megan and Caitlin ... and "friend"

Caitlin and Megan

Leslie .. with her very capable hands quite full

Everyone having fun

My sweet darlin's - says it all :)

In typical gramma fashion I *could* have kept going btw .. as I have hundreds of pictures of them .. but .. showing remarkable strength I'm pacin' myself. ;)

"If You Can Mark An X ...

2008-10-14T20:04:00.006-03:00

You Are MY Kind of People!" ... Jerry Boyle of the NSF (Newfoundland Separation Federation) - aka Greg Thomey of 'This Hour Has 22 Minutes'. ( I have been trying to find a picture of this character .. IF I ever do I'll post it )

We have an election here in Canada today. I'm pleased to say that MC voted for her very first time .. and the only advice she was given in the weeks leading up to the election was to pay attention to the leader of each party .. what they say and how they carry themselves .. and vote for who SHE thought *might* make the best Prime Minister.

Failing that .. vote for whoever you feel will be the lesser of the evils. LOL :D

Her response after she'd slipped her ballot into the box .. "that was it? ... sheesh ... that's easy enough." LOLOL

We take our right to vote very seriously here in Canada .. we show up in droves for each election .. with 70-ish% voter turnout .. most times anyway .. and I am kinda proud of that. :)

I personally prefer minority governments .. means whoever is in charge HAS to find a way to work with the other parties in order to get things done .. making compromises isn't usually a bad thing .. and I think in most respects serves our country better .. though I'm SURE there would be others who would disagree with that. ;)

As I've told .. erm .. anyone who'd listen .. if you don't take the time to at least cast your vote .. then you forfeit your right to bitch and moan if you don't like what's happening in government. And don't give me that tired old argument "well *my* vote isn't gonna matter anyway" crap .. if 10,000 of you in the same area cop that attitude .. think for a moment the difference those voices COULD have made had you chosen to use them. Or .. a million voices across the country .. think of the difference those could make. Hmmmmm ..... ;)

Get on out there .. and let your voice be heard .. change won't happen if you sit at home and let others voices be heard and not yours. We live in a country that allows us the priviledge .. the RIGHT .. to have something resembling a say in who sits in our governing houses .. take advantage of it. :)

And .. hoping for the best doesn't hurt either. ;)

Is It 10 Years Already?? O_o

2008-10-05T00:33:00.010-03:00

Unlike most women .. I have only 1 purse at a time. I know .. hard to imagine .. but I have such an aversion to purse shopping that I usually buy as good a quality purse as I can afford .. and get as many years out of it as I possibly can .. before having to go purse shopping .. again. *cries*

Purse shopping is a deeply personal experience for every woman. Only *she* knows exactly what her needs are .. and the perfect bag that will fill that need. A bag that will leave one woman trying to keep her dinner down .. will lift another to lofty heights of joy. And .. a purse that made you weep with delight last time .. you wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole the next time. It's truly unique to each of us .. at that given point in time. It can be downright traumatizing NOT being able to find that right and perfect bag .. which is where my aversion comes in. :\

I have a specifice type/style of purse in mind. Similar to one I had years ago. A truly great purse .. a large hobo/sling style that was super .. in an utterly awful taupe color. My mother had had it .. and hated it .. and one day gave it to me as when I asked her why .. if she disliked it so much did she purchase it. Her response was that it had "called" to her as she walked past it in the store .. "here you want it?" .. before dumping the contents and tossin' it in my direction. Um .. 'k Mum .. 'erm thanks? O_o

Pasty putty color aside it was a great looking thing and held loads of essential girlie items .. and I used it for years until it finally gave up exhausted and fell apart. I tried to find something similar after .. but nothing seemed to come close and I'd wind up giving up in frustration .. usually settling for just anything at that point. I've been using one my best friend gave me .. 11 years ago this Christmas .. thinking I'd replace it once it wore out a bit. Finally .. FINALLY .. it's starting to show some wear .. thank God .. cuz .. sssssshhhhhh .. I kinda didn't like it so much as I could have. O_O

So .. I've been purse shopping the past while .. and it's been a painful process not unlike having your eyes poked with sharp sticks.

I decided that *this* time I wasn't gonna give up the search until I found one that was as similar to that old one as I could get .. EXCEPT the color of course. And .. seeing as eBay and I have a close personal relationship .. I'd go there and find one. Oh .. my .. God .. who knew there were so many purses that would answer the search parameter "hobo purse". O_o

I can't imagine how far I'd have to be gone to get some of those .. things. "Hideous" seems so .. inadequate .. in describing some of the patterning used on some of these purses. Doesn't ANYONE work in adequate lighting for these projects ??!! The extent of the "fugly" I've exposed my sensibilities to is hard to adequately express. It's the kind that truly puts the F U G in FUGLY .. purses that are an insult to anyones senses. Certainly no self respecting mugger would be caught dead stealin' those bags .. that's for sure. O_O

Some were attractive .. just NOT what I'm looking for .. they were either far too small to be "hobo" style .. I'd be lucky to get my wallet in them .. much less the rest of my "essential" gear .. and others far too oddly shaped to be "sling" style .. yet somehow have made the cut into that search.

There are patterns so loud my ears bled .. sequins and fringes and buckles .. oh my. And .. after seeing the rainbow of purse colors used out there .. I've come to the conclusion that there are just some colors that purses were NEVER intended to be. The level of colorblindness in the purse making industry must be staggeringly high. Bright oranges .. iridescent greens .. and there is a shade of yellow out there that I haven't seen since I changed my breastfed baby's diaper. O_o

I'd see one and think ... ooohh niiiicee sty..... wait .. is that .. purple ?? !! O_O

Oh .. and what is with the ginormous bags with the wee short shoulder straps anyway?? I've seen huge purses that are larger then the new suitcase I purchased .. and worn as if some weird sac-like appendage hanging from your armpit .. O_O

I have found a handful that are just the right size and shape .. and in darker colors I am leaning towards .. but .. naturally .. they are priced somewhat MORE than what I'd be willing to shell out for what .. in effect .. will be a portable junk drawer. LOL :D

I burst into spontaneous hilarious laughter at the horrible looking purse priced at 695$ .. because I paid LESS for the first car I ever bought myself .. and it was MUCH more attractive too. A maroon AMC Concord .. for the price of 475$ thank you very much .. that stood me in good stead for many years. Though .. to be fair .. this purse was so large I probably could have parked that car in it. O_o

Honestly .. I've seen "purses" so "oversized" they'd make Mary Poppins nipples go hard. And with so much room in them I'd have to add .. good luck findin' your lamp in there missy.

I want a largish bag yes .. but not so cavernous I risk the need for emergency aid to get out should I have the misfortune to slip and fall inside of it. O_o

And I don't mind paying a bit for a good purse .. but straying into the range of my mortgage payment seems just a tad much. When I start paying that much for a bag it had better be plenty roomy enough for me to live in it .. because I'd be givin' up my cozy abode for it. And I'm not even gonna whisper what someone was askin' for a Gucci bag .. that was EXACTLY what I was lookin' for .. *weaves ... moans ... puts head between knees* O_o

Anyway .. after days of "browsing" .. I've finally found a half a dozen that seem to fit my checklist .. and now I'm gonna wait a couple of days .. re-check them .. and providing it's still available .. choose one. Because my purse shopping is on it's last nerve .. and I wanna be sure I really like it .. 'cuz it's gonna be bouncin' off of my ample hip for the next 10ish years .. until I have to do this all over again. *sigh*

LOLOL :D

I Am A Bitch Magnet O_o

2008-09-17T22:04:00.007-03:00

And they can be of either gender too. ;)

I think I may need a new perfume .. or better soap .. or .. something .. because it seems that no matter what forum I find .. how nice and polite and friendly I try to be .. how many smilies I feel forced to use to show that I'm being as NON-threatening as I can be .. I STILL get MY posts zeroed in on .. as if it's someones civic duty to shut .. me .. down. O_o

It happened on the MO:UL forum so many times I vowed NEVER to post there again EVER. O_O

I asked 2 of my friends to have a peek on the FoG forum .. am I just imagining it ?? .. I needed them to be as HONEST in their assessment as they could be .. just for my own peace of mind. They are in complete agreement with me .. these 2 people DO seem to find my posts .. one even quotes them .. and proceed to have their wicked way with me picking apart whatever I post. I've had threads about things I've accomplished hi-jacked with stuff they did in the same missions .. cuz they did it better of course .. and I even got chastised for "sounding" angry .. among other things. O_o

Not enough smilies I guess ?? :\

So now .. here I am in the throes of peri-menopause .. and I find a forum that's pretty well run .. lots of information and great support .. after signing up and discovering that the "abbynormal" is now gonna be the "normal" for me for a while anyway .. I decide to post. There was a discussion and someone mentioned researching Red Raspberry Leaf as an aid for very heavy flow, painful cramps and irregular periods.

Now this is something I happen to know something about .. as I've used Red Raspberry Leaf tea for YEARS with GREAT success with it in regulating things for me. I cannot say enough good things about it as a useful herbal aid for setting things right in that department.

So .. I post such .. explain my successful experience with it .. and explain a little about why it works as it does. It has been used traditionally to aid in easing childbirth .. so VERY safe to be taken while pregnant .. and restoring tone to the uterus after delivery. Also .. it's very useful in regulating periods .. from heavy flow .. to too slow flow .. too long periods .. to painful cramps, etc. It is also touted as an aid for menopausal issues of the oh-so-very messed up periods that come with that .. and of this I CAN vouch .. so I'm trying it now to see if it actually DOES work with this as well.

The way it does this is by balancing estrogen and/or progesterone levels by flushing excess hormones out of your system .. certainly seems a much better way than pumping you full of whatever hormone is less .. even if it means giving you large doses to bring your levels UP to match the one in EXCESS. O_o And .. by my experience with it regulating my periods and reducing those awful cramps I suffered with all of my life .. I can say on that front it works beautifully !! Intially I took 2 capsules of whole herb 3 times a day for months .. it takes a while .. but it WORKED .. then I switched to the tea as I liked it better.

Anyway ....... of all the posts in that thread .. MINE gets singled out .. with a remark .. "no offense to the one drinking the tea .. but NO tea is gonna help with heavy flow and pain". This from someone who is advocating all manner of surgical proceedure as it was what *she* did. O_o

I'm getting awfully tired of this crap ya' know .. I don't know what it is about my posts that seem to attract that type. I take care to make my posts legible .. spelled correctly .. try to add appropriate emots .. and make it as intelligently presented as I can make them. I think it's like tinder to some with "lightning" personalities, though. How DARE I post any sort of intelligent data .. or a cohesive opinion !! O_o

Especially one that does NOT agree with how *they* think .. the sheer GALL of me. O_O

I suppose .. I could start expressing myself in near illegible forum-speak that reduces language to short forms and acronyms that feign to make sense. Toss spelling .. grammar .. punctuation .. and stop giving a rats rosy red hinderend what ANYONE thinks .. just ramble it on out there and let others deal with it as *their* problem. But .. I just cannot bring myself to look like I've just slithered out of the shallow end of the intelligence pool.

Another option of course is to just stay the hell away from forums of ANY sort and leave the BS to those who love to dish it out so they can wallow in the cozy feeling of controlling others .. because it is .. after all .. ALL about them in the world. Yet .. I still feel like I want to contribute to something if I am in a position to do so .. rather then just invisibly lurk .. so I'm not really sure what the solution is.

One of my friends .. who did look at the threads I pointed him to .. probably has the best take on it all .. he rarely reads ANY forums .. he says they are a breeding ground for those who love to spread abuse and hate and discontent .. and for those who either lack the spine to stop them or worse .. ARE them .. even telling me I'm better than that by a wide margin .. and to not let the likes of those types diminish the person that I am. It was nice to hear and a person needs to hear such things once in a while .. or I do anyway. :)

Since I haven't yet figured out how to NOT let it all get to me .. I've been off the FoG forums since that crap of a couple of weeks ago .. and maybe it's just the better way to go as I can come up with no better way to handle it .. because I have NO intention of getting in touch with my inner illiterate so that I might fly under the sharp eyed radar of those ready to jump on any intelligent expression. It's just a shame that there are those with so little sense of self that they MUST pick others apart to reassure themselves that not only are they worthy people .. they are BETTER than others on all fronts.

To which I can honestly say .. they phail epically .. :\

S .. S .. D .. G

2008-09-13T22:04:00.010-03:00

Same .. Shit .. Different .. Game O_o

I honestly cannot imagine what is missing from some peoples diets.

Seriously !! O_O

What is there that impels certain people to get involved in a GAME and be just as ornery .. dismissive .. miserable .. abusive .. as they like towards others ??

Someone .. PLEASE explain it to me .. 'cuz I'm not gettin' it .. O_o

I love playing Guild Wars .. I mean I LOVE playing Guild Wars .. a LOT .. yet lately the BS has been rising to the point that I sorta feel disinclined to play .. and that bugs me. :\

We are in a guild of my daughters creation .. MaD .. she named it .. I don't ask ;) .. and we now have 10 members .. all women .. for now anyway. We are in an alliance with 9 other guilds with some pretty nice people .. mostly from Uru/Myst .. but also some who have never had anything to do with that group. And .. overall .. I'd have to say that I like most of them .. they seem like geninely decent, caring, respecting, helpful people.

There are a few though .. top members in one guild .. who seem to think that they are far and away THE finest human beings to ever grace the face of the planet. Players who's shear skill at playing elevates them to a position of superiority over the rest of us that .. unless we are saved by adopting all that they've learned as they've blazed their way through the game before us .. we are in effect .. pretty much useless ... as players and as human beings. O_o

They pontificate at length on what skills are best .. what builds are the l337est .. and try to force that on any who straggle into their crosshairs.

They are also rude to a fault .. treating most others .. and certainly most new players .. with a disdain befitting something nasty they've found stuck under their shoe.

New players builds are trashed with such offhanded dismissivness that I am surprised ANY of them bother to return .. backhanded remarks are flipped at them with a total disregard for how that may make them feel about themselves as players and at the GAME .. and there is a general air of intolerance that makes me want to sack the lot of them.

It is TOTALLY unnecessary too !!

I have witnessed people slapped down for things as insignificant as not knowing that chest keys are worth half the value to sell back to a merchant .. curtly being told to "learn the game if you're gonna play it" .. references made to them as 'reinventing the wheel' when they experiment with new builds and weapon set ups just to see what works .. in effect learning the game in the best way .. on their own .. made fun of in open Alliance Chat (A/C) because they chatter back and forth about what they are doing and any accomplishment that is a milestone to them that gives them a sense of accomplishment .. smart remarks and potshots for saying something that group deemed senseless .. and on and on and on ...

It finally came to a head on the FoG forum with one of them absolutely trashing in all ways .. the new players and how they play the game .. it was pretty bad .. and they first tried to play at 'oh .. I was just trying to get people to talk' .. O_o

*cough* Bullshit *cough*

It was a dismissive ridiculing rant that showed in full effect EXACTLY what was thought of .. of nearly EVERYONE else in the alliance .. by that one group. And it was shamefully appalling. Everything from the "hilarious" questions they ask .. to not having enough money for "simple" armor .. to "noob" builds .. to mission wipes .. and using "non-max" weapons .. deriding the farming of "low-level" areas .. making fun of some of the things people come up with .. and even justifying abusing others in missions as "helping" O_o .. etc.

This on the heels of MC taking such a brow beating in an "elite" area that she was in tears here .. by that same person. I had only had positive interaction with him up to this point .. but have been told that he's been MUCH worse with others during missions and quests. Something that I found hard to wrap my mind around as he was pretty outta control. O_O

Trying later to slough it off as "just helping to run the mission" is total BS too. It was abusive and controlling.

MC and I may not be the l337est players in that game .. but we are NO slouches either .. she and I experimented with builds on ourselves and 6 Hero AI's .. and made it to the end of that mission .. called The Deep .. with only an 8 member team in what is a 12 member mission .. having figured out a way to get ALL of us together to start in ONE room .. rather than broken up into 4. Our one regret was NOT going back in with retooled skills to interrupt the final boss and get it done ON OUR OWN with our crew of 8. :D

Instead .. we ran that SAME mission a week later with this person .. and it was a GREAT team effort .. went like a well oiled machine to a successful completion too. *I* think .. personally .. the next time that went so abusively .. their abysmal behavior was to impress upon one of the members of the mission that THEY were the boss .. not them .. who is an accomplished player in his own right and one I have great respect for as he's a decent young man who I have NEVER known to treat ANYONE badly for ANY reason.

Since this has happened .. things are just NOT the same .. meetings have been held but really not much accomplished .. the open barbs have settled down .. but I think the feeling is that the rest of us know what they think of us all .. and it's gonna take a pretty concerted effort for most to forget that.

Their leader is on the defensive .. "missing" the meetings .. they didn't concern them so .. no point in going .. no mention of the total shredding of another member on that forum .. so nope .. no problem with them at all .. O_o

There is a strain that .. I dunno .. the usual fun chatting in AC is all but gone .. with most people not even saying a 'hello' when they arrive anymore. Occasionally those who led the charge to "join existing guilds if you want to stay" .. or totally trashed the rest of us .. or led a push to have other members participate more - and let me just add WHY on earth would ANY want to after the slagging they've endured??? - are the ones to post the odd bit in AC .. having pretty much killed it for the rest of us. For me .. I have been mostly playing off by myself or with MC .. as it's just easier then giving up on something I have enjoyed. :\

One of their members .. a guy who has caused NOTHING but trouble from the first day he arrived in the alliance .. and is someone who NEVER bothers with me .. NEVER acknowledges me .. EVER even says a "hello" .. took the time to fire off a "you ever do anything then *joke* lol" .. when I had spent my first hour ingame chatting with several people I quite like .. including our newest guild member and had commented I'd not started doing anything at that point. This being someone who has deliberately joined in missions to ENSURE we failed by refusing to heal us .. he went as a monk .. and we wiped .. he even ADMITTED that that was why he went too. Another time even led us to a spawn point .. so that death was fast. I refuse to knowingly go on ANY mission with him. O_O He also fired the first shot in the drive to merge low member guilds with others .. as a friend of his wanted to join his guild with us .. also in a low member guild I might add .. and something his guild was ALL for the kicking of other guilds .. as well as someone I was a bit disappointed with for going along with them on .. and which was NOT well received by the rest of us I can assure you. So .. you'll pardon me if I hold ANYTHING they say to me as *suspect*.

I'm not sure how this can be made better .. once you've been so thoroughly disparaged by others .. no matter what they do after .. how much they try to put their best face forward .. you just always have it in the back of your mind what they've expressed before .. and it's hard to believe they've had a true seeing of the light and are sincerely trying to make up for it all.

I think the one who brought that groups attitude so explosively into public view said it best in a later post .. grant you he DID apologize to the alliance in general .. but .. I think this said it best .. and maybe is the answer to the question I posed at the beginning .. "i can't believe i am taking this GW matter so far that i am explaining myself online to people that i don't even know in real life or matter in my personal life" .. certainly it explains how it is so easy to abuse others online when they never really matter to begin with. :\

Yeah .. I DO Know ... ;)

2008-09-11T20:10:00.006-03:00

.. and my answer to this ...

Is this ...

;)

Passin' It Along ...

2008-08-29T13:17:00.004-03:00

I have an old email account that is pretty much a spam magnet .. and rather then get rid of it I just let it remain in orbit around me scooping up the debris. I check it every now and then .. before deleting the lot of it .. just in case something worthwhile has happened to find it's way into it. And today .. there amongst the piles of junk shone a lovely gem. :)

I have absolutely NO idea who the original author is .. but .. should I ever be so fortunate as to find out it will be my great pleasure to add their name to it .. as certainly they deserve to be recognized for what is .. without a doubt a brilliantly simple recipe for living a happy life. :)

"John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, “If I were any better, I would be twins!”

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, “I don’t get it!”

“You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?”

He replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or, you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.”

“Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or, I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.”

“Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or, I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.”

“Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.

“Yes, it is,” he said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live your life.”

I reflected on what he said. Soon thereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins…Wanna see my scars?”

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

“The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,” he replied. “Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or, I could choose to die. I chose to live.”

“Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.

He continued, “the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man’. I knew I needed to take action.”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said John. “She asked if I was allergic to anything ‘Yes, I replied.’ The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity’”

Over their laughter, I told them, “I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.”

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude…I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow ill worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."

At the bottom of the article in the email it said this :

"You have two choices now:

1.) Delete this
2.) Forward it to the people you care about."

No secret the choice *I* made now .. is there? ;)

The Hardest Habit To Break

2008-08-14T12:03:00.013-03:00

You know .. I've been working on a few lifelong, deeply ingrained "habits" of being for a while now. And .. though I've made some great progress in a number of areas .. always .. certain things seem just so difficult to get past. I have finally recognized what a major block is though .. as it seems to be something of a keystone affecting so many aspects of my life. :\

My mother .. yeah .. I know .. but it DOES go back to her .. was the type of woman who probably should NEVER have had children .. much less raised them. She was .. still is too .. a mean spirited, selfish woman who would crush your spirit should you EVER display any joy or pleasure in anything. She left an individual mark on each of us .. there are 3 children .. that was unique to each of us .. I suppose showing the individual 'technique' wired to each of us .. that she used to keep us in 'control' .. and that has pretty much stayed with us all of our lives.

Part of mine has been that I was NEVER allowed to have anything that was mine exclusively .. I ALWAYS had to "share" with (mostly) my sister .. as we were so close in age. From toys to friends .. I was admonished to share with her .. include her when I was with my friends .. I was expected to trade up if what I had she prefered .. stop doing whatever I was doing and join her .. and on and on .. and God help me if I resisted.

I grew up with a generally overblown sense of responsibility towards others happiness and well-being .. as if I were solely responsible for 'making' others happy .. even at the expense of my own happiness .. as I am the oldest .. and somehow my being happy .. taking joy in anything .. was ALWAYS at the expense of another. My friend called it being the "load bearer" .. a space he understands only too well .. as he is this way himself .. always carrying the burden of responsibility for others .. yet so used to doing so alone that he isolates himself when he is in need .. as I have always done.

This point was finally driven clearly home to me in one major incident that has stayed with me to this day. In the town where I grew up we had a week long "Old Home Week" festival each summer. One year .. I would have been 15 .. I had a winning streak at some color wheel that was astonishing. I couldn't lose .. I must have won 20 stuffed animals and 6 boxes of chocolates !! Of the stuffed animals a couple were HUGE .. one being a stuffed purple poodle with a jaunty beret.

To say I was ecstatic would be an understatement .. I WON !! .. and I won LOTS !! .. so much that my boyfriend was doing his best packmule imitation to help me .. and I was flying high in an excitedly euphoric state. :D

When my mother arrived to pick me up .. she looked at us carrying all my prizes .. and when I excitedly babbled that I had won them .. her face hardened .. and she ordered me to get into the car. My sister was sitting in the front seat and I began to tell her about my good luck .. until my mother interrupted .. going off on me about how much better I thought I was than them (and she included my sister in the tirade .. the better to fully justify it as apparently .. my actions were affecting everyone) .. that I was 'rubbing it in their faces' that Aries were losers (she and my sister are both Aries) .. that I had deliberately taken the stuffed poodle as a prize knowing full well that my sister and tried .. and failed .. to win it for herself earlier in the evening (a fact I would have had NO knowledge of as I hadn't seen her all evening O_o ). The 2 mile trip home was filled with a vicious and demoralizing verbal beat down as I had EVER been handed for anything .. and I was a broken hearted sobbing mess by the time we arrived home .. and I stayed that way for HOURS.

When I finally stopped .. there was an emotionally flat sensation and I slept. In the morning I got the poodle .. put a note on it .. and placed it in my sisters bed. I took the rest of the stuffed animals and put them in a plastic bag. My sister refused to take the poodle .. causing me to have this overwhelming panicky sensation for her to take it .. to be rid of it .. yet she refused .. which only further made me hate it .. and me. So I moved it to a place where I didn't have to see it .. buried under some old blanket in the corner of my room .. eventually finding their way into the attic of my dads new house long after I had moved away. And there they stayed until I asked for them to be sent to me in Ontario when I had my first child .. thinking they would be great for her. I was unprepared for the rush of self anger and loathing I got as I opened that bag .. and promptly gave all but 2 items away to my boyfriends nieces and nephews .. and .. finally giving that stupid poodle away .. to his mother .. at long last feeling "good" by giving it all .. and especially *that* .. away. And I am meaning totally elated .. the rush I got from giving those things away was intense .. and I felt REALLY good about myself. Or so I thought.

I sort of started to live for those moments of that feeling of feeling good about giving something away that gives me pleasure.. as I guess what's really happening is that having something that causes me to feel so happy .. ALSO causes me to feel acutely painfully aware of how UNDESERVING I really am of it .. how much I've robbed someone of their happiness .. how BAD I must really be at having ANYTHING that makes ME happy .. so deeply associated with the anguished pain of that night .. so that feel-good sensation .. actually caused by relief .. affirms in some twisted way that I actually AM a good person .. easing that awful pain. It became a drug .. supporting my self worth.

Since the night of that incident I have had a very difficult time having anything nice .. and truly enjoying it. I often wind up giving things away .. oddly and especially things that I get excited about having .. have genuinely really wanted .. and that make me feel "special" in any way.

The poison instilled in me that night .. cementing my hatred of myself as utterly unworthy or deserving of anything that gives me joy .. has been solidly pervasive in every area of my life. And the "rush" I got from giving them away .. that I interpreted as feeling good because I had made others happy .. was mostly massive RELIEF at being rid of something that had 'caused' me such pain.

And it was only recently that I made the connection to that incident .. and my habit of giving my things away .. that I realized what I've been doing. I harbor such an intense belief that I don't deserve to have things that make me happy .. give me pleasure .. are what I desire .. because of how miserable my being happy causes others to be .. that feeling those happy feelings is a direct link to an intensely painful experience .. that I feel SO uncomfortable as soon as I get something that DOES give me those feelings .. that I immediately set it aside .. and don't touch .. or use .. or look at it. Then .. someone .. a friend or family member usually .. will come along and for whatever reason .. perhaps they state they like a certain thing .. or have need of something .. or maybe just need a lift .. regardless .. I give them what I have .. and I just feel SO good doing that .. seeing the look on their faces .. making someone else happy .. and yet .. I now know that a large part of that feeling good about making someone else happy .. has been because I was just hugely relieved of getting rid of something that was causing me to relive on some level that self revulsion towards myself from having something that caused me pain through the pleasure of having it.

Most recently I have done this with a beautiful amethyst earring and necklace set that I just loved .. got it for myself .. and then tucked the box aside .. eventually giving it to my sister .. having NEVER once worn them. With a HUGE chunk of white crystalline quartz that I found in our back field .. weighed almost 10 pounds .. I brought it in .. cleaned it up .. and put it on a table in my kitchen and it was so beautiful .. but .. the first time my best friend came by and commented on it .. I gave it to her. I even do this ingame with rare item drops I get .. drops that I get so excited when I get them .. usually giving them to my daughter .. but often to others who express how nice it would be to have them. Leaving me with ... nothing.

Recognizing the pattern of what I do .. and most importantly WHY I do it has been a profound awakening for me .. BUT most disturbing of all .. I see now that I am NOT the only person who does it. My sister does this with her daughter nearly to the point of losing everything she had worked 20 years for. My best friend with her children .. who's hands are forever out in need .. causing her to mow through a LOT of the insurance she got from when her husband was killed. And most recently with a very dear friend of mine with his children to the point of feeling guilty remorse at being made whole .. and replacing something that was taken from him .. after YEARS of waiting for an accident settlement that he SO richly deserved .. even being told by a psychologist that it was time for him to start doing for HIMSELF now.

Always they are giving .. giving .. giving .. leaving themselves with nothing .. and believing in their hearts that that feel-good sensation at seeing others smiling faces is it's own reward .. yet not realizing that that feeling is wrapped cozily in a RELIEF at having divested themselves of something that they loved .. or wanted .. or needed .. or yes .. deserved .. because it doesn't fit with some fundamental belief in their unworthiness to "have" anything wonderful for themselves .. even money .. so they give it all away .. even to their utmost detriment. Heck .. I've even seen them in relationships that the better they felt .. the more agitated they became until they ended them .. winding up quite heartbroken as they were with someone they REALLY did want to be with, who genuinely cared about them and who treated them well .. and .. in a couple of cases turning to someone who treated them like crap .. a further punishment for having dared to be happy .. even for a short period of time .. as if on some level *this* was what they deserved. :\

And it makes me as sad for them .. as I have been for me .. in discovering this .. makes me want to to hold them so close .. as if in that blending of my energy with theirs they might now know this truth in their hearts .. and be set free .. that it's a right and proper thing this looking out for ones self once in a while .. absorbing this knowledge of self acceptance into their very deserving souls. But I know that ONLY they can find this .. and it must be done on their own as only then will they have that life altering "Ah-ha !!" moment that seals that new change .. transforming everything for them.

I'm working on this .. I am hoping that knowing is the bulk of the battle .. and that now that I know better I can start enjoying having things .. reveling in the pleasure of having something I desired .. and leaving others to find their own things that make them happy. And though I do not mind being a source for something that they TRULY may want or need .. it will be by providing them one of their OWN .. IF I am able to do so .. NOT something that I have already of MY own .. and NOT at the expense of my own well-being. We don't do our kids .. or anyone .. ANY favors giving all we have to "make" others happy .. at our own expense .. even creating in them a dependency .. or far worse .. a sense of entitlement that has also bought into YOUR lack of self worth .. with your value to them as simply a resource for having yet more in their lives.

Because you know what?? Contrary to my mothers jealousy fed .. misbegotten sense of injustice .. she's dead wrong .. because I DO deserve to have things .. to win things and further to take great immersive pleasure in the moment of having them .. and I always have been.

It's a hard habit to break .. this deeply ingrained need to divest myself of all that is good and pleasurable .. but now that I see ... and understand where it comes from .. I'm thinking I can start giving myself small things that I have longed for .. and get used to feeling good .. and STAYING feeling good about having them.

Baby steps .. baby steps .. 'til I am ready to fly. :)

Now .. if I can just get those I love to discover this too ... :\

Like A Moth To The Flame ... O_o

2008-07-09T18:07:00.008-03:00

... I wind up drawn back to a quick look at the Uru forums .. I'm thinking I need my head seriously examined, too.

I wound up back there this time .. sucked back by this whole wedding thing .. one thing leads to another and I've read a coupla dozen threads and am ready to kill someone. O_O

What is WITH some of those people anyway ?!

The volume of sheer BS threads is astonishing. The avid Cyan boosters are utterly wetting themselves with delight .. and thread after useless thread .. thrashing the re-re-re-rebirth of Uru as the culmination of their faith is disturbing .. to say the least.

One thread .. addressing to a degree the way ANYONE who dared to express discontent in the past has been treated .. seems to have gone oddly awry .. started by someone who I used to think was a relatively nice young man .. but who became one of the meanest posters on both the MOUL and the DRC forums .. berating and belittling ANY who didn't express faithful devotion to Cyan/Uru. It was shameful behavior and totally inexcusable to treat other fans of the game with anything less then respect. The concerns were valid .. they were valuable .. and deserved better. I remember how badly Pad was treated when they left .. and they're really a very nice person who had the temerity to express doubts and that maybe they were gonna give up and leave .. unleashing a torrent of hatefulness that effectively drove them out of Uru for good. Along with a good many others who simply faded away unable to deal with the despicable treatment that somehow seemed to escape the mod-bat on MOUL forums. Something I wonder about .. a lot.

Among the usual raft of defensive posts .. I think quite possibly THE most insulting post in that thread has been one by Sophia .. who has certainly done more than her fair share of shutting people up .. and dismissing anyone who dares to utter discontent .. who seems to be suggesting that it's a bit of an affront to consider all people/fans? as equals .. judging by her use of *shudder*. Quoted from this post .. "It implies that everyone *shudders* is equal."

Now .. have I read this wrong ? .. I've gone over it a few times now and it reads the same every time .. I know she is among the most very strident of the Cyan-walks-on-water group .. but truly .. that is one of the most insultingly belittling responses I've ever seen. And is a hallmark of the attitude that has caused so many to leave .. and you can be quite sure .. many will NOT be back anytime soon unless something vital happens to change the way things are done.

With Uru being resurrected yet one .. more .. time .. oh wait .. that's MORE time O_o .. the movers and shakers are coming outta the woodwork as there is now a piece of the pie to be grabbed .. yet .. again.

Which .. before I forget .. brings me to a point on why I think they suddenly did this .. I believe they've had the rights all along .. based on a lot of different things that have been posted .. and I think they've done this now .. at this time .. because "Dickens" has posted his public domain guidelines to setting up shards and clients for all the world to see .. and .. rather then take the chance on losing rights to IP that is now tossed into the public domain .. they had to take a stand NOW or run the risk of losing in a knifefight later. Just my feeling .. but .. I'd wager I'm right on the mark with that. ;)

I've seen what goes on with some of these "guilds" .. and Cyan had better get their shit together and keep control of them .. else they will wind up with a shitstorm such as the GoG has degenerated into. I have a lot of friends from there .. and a good many have left .. and told me quite a few things that have gone on precipitating their departures .. so I know what I'm talking about here. ;)

At one time .. before Prologue died .. the Greeters were a product of Cyan .. created and controlled by them .. I refer you to this post by Tijara .. I have taken a screen shot .. just in case it now suddenly disappears .. cuz you know how those things can happen. ;)

I personally believe that THAT is the ONLY way this will ever come close to working .. otherwise you are gonna have a degeneration and blowing apart of what's left of this community that will .. one would think .. sound that final bell and be done with it.

Far too many egos .. all clamoring to have that all important "in" with Cyan .. I can't go it .. no more rounds on the forum .. no more reading the BS till I want to throttle sense into that lot .. I'm one of those who will not likely be back .. I won't say "never" because .. absolutes have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass .. but from my current space .. not bloody likely. Unless something drastically and fundamentally changes with how things are run .. um NO.

I have little desire to be under the thumb of self-appointed .. forumwise or gamewise .. overly puffed up with their sense of self-importance .. Grand High Poohbah's of Guild This-n-That .. in a make believe online world. The Eleri's and the Martens and the Sophia's oh my .. all elbowing their way past everyone else to fit snuggly against Cyan's hinderend so that they can faux speak for Cyan .. and toss the names about giving the illusion of their importance by association ?? .. no effin' way .. kthnxbai.

The Devil Went Down To .. erm .. New York ?? O_o

2008-07-06T16:28:00.005-03:00

A few days ago .. I went to bed as normal .. and the world as I knew it was a good and comfortable place .. then .. while playing happily in Guild Wars a good friend pm'ed me with a bit of information that has left me thinking that Rod Serling is going to peek his head around the corner and the Twilight music is gonna start playing. O_o

Just when you think the inhabitants of the wonderful world of Uru couldn't get any weirder .. they do .. oh they REALLY DO !! O_O

I mean .. when .. the HELL .. did THIS happen ?!?! O_O

"Request your presence at *their* WEDDING ?!?!" O_o

"Held at *their* HOME ?!?!" O_o

To quote my dear friend Darksaber .. who I just HAD to pass this little tidbit onto .. "WTF????????" .. followed by "I think I just threw up in my mouth ..." O_o

Now I KNOW I have been outta that little loop for a while .. well .. avoided it like the plague is more like it .. but .. you know what I mean .. but .. as I recall .. she once posted that she had never gotten to know him because she found him too brooding and difficult to get to know .. and I am not gonna repeat the things he once said about her .. suffice it to say he .. erm .. HATED her quite decidedly. O_O

Apparently Second Life has allowed them to breach those particular little barriers .. and they've found love at last .. *wretches* .. I don't know whether to go into hysterical giggles .. or puke. O_o

I've been so contentedly happy lately that I must have missed the signs and portents of this unfolding .. for now we have the unholy union of 2 of the most meanspirited .. self-serving people in all of Uru .. what's next ?? Oh I know .. the adoption of their spiritual spawnling .. EricL. Truly the trinity of evil incarnate is being born. O_O

Oh my gosh .. and I told this to Tolip .. Ahahahahaha ... his reaction was ALL I could have expected and SO much more .. :D

Among so .. so .. so .. MANY other things .. one of the first he uttered was .. "Shit .. he HATED her .. " LOLOL

And Hellman .. what an apropos name choice for him .. Hell Man .. yeah .. it works .. :P

A close look at that picture .. *eeeeeasssy stomach* .. shows her copping her usual haughty attitude .. avvie style .. while his avvie looks .. erm .. lobotomized .. O_o

I think I'll give a wide pass on this little soire .. I've not been overly interested in Second Life up until now .. but I have one EXCELLENT reason to stay well clear of it now !!

I gotta ask though .. with Second Life's ability to let users create so much .. and my understanding is that there are animations for a whole host of .. um .. erm .. sexually explicit activities .. if .. now that they are "legally" bound in whatever unholy union that creates .. if .. IF they'll be partaking of such activities in the privacy of "their" home there .. *gags .. pukes* Well THERE'S an image I won't ever be able to get rid of .. O_o

And isn't her family in for a shock if this .. God forbid .. is just the precursor to a more "formal" real world union !? O_O

Which .. for some odd reason .. makes me think of curmudgeonly old bachelor Foghorn Leghorn .. looking for a nice new home .. and getting a bead on the spinster hen Miss Prissy .. regarding that entire thing. ;)

Oh .. and I don't want ANY grief over this .. those 2 directly contributed to one of the worst online experiences of my life .. they get what they played for .. and I need a good cathartic release every once in a while. :)

**The picture used in this post belongs to them in every way and I lay NO claim to it whatsoever .. if asked to remove it .. I will simply link to it elsewhere .. it stands.

Jam Making - 101

2008-07-03T13:25:00.011-03:00

I love this time of year in Nova Scotia .. fresh fruits start coming into season and I get busy in my kitchen making a pile of jams. I do what is called "small batch preserving" as they are more easily managed .. AND .. you can actually use fresh fruits in season OR good quality frozen in the offseason.

This method is so easy that anybody can make jam with this recipe .. ANYBODY. I started doing this 10 years ago .. and I make damned fine jams .. if'n I *do* say so m'self. :D

Also .. I make my jams the good old fashioned way like my dear grandmother always did .. the way they were made BEFORE people started adding apple pectin to thicken them and started using liquid glucose for sweetening .. and it is without a doubt THE easiest method you can imagine. 3 of us are very allergic to apples .. and glucose is VERY bad for my blood sugars .. so I was delighted when this was passed on to me. :)

This has got to be the LEAST labor intensive jam making you can imagine. I will explain how I do this .. and it's gonna be the method as I do it .. so not your cut and dried usual recipe/method. :)

Some essential equipment you will need is a tall stock pot (at least 8 inches deep) for the hot water canning bath (I got an inexpensive stainless steel one for 20 bucks) .. 1 cup jars with caps and rings (about 6 for this recipe but it may be slightly more or less depending on how it cooks up so I always prep 7 .. just in case) .. jar lifting tongs for placing and removing the bottled jams from the sterilization bath .. small tongs to remove the empty jars, rings and lids from the boiling water (there is a magnet lifter you can get but I find the small tongs more useful) .. a special wide ended funnel that sits snuggly in the jar tops .. a cake cooling rack .. a good ladle .. a heavy bottomed 6 or 8 litre/quart cooking pot (I use a really nice KitchenAid one from a set that we got with a swap out for a defective coffee maker) .. a cheap cherry pitter is handy and a good LONG handled wooded spoon.

If you look around you can get inexpensive canning kits which have most of the items with it .. also there are canning bath pots with removable racks to set the jars in .. but I use the stock pot and jar tongs which work just fine and cost much less.

Before you start .. I would recommend that you NOT wear any clothes that you actually *might* want to wear out in public again. O_o

Strawberry - Cherry Jam

This should make about 6 - 1 Cup jars.

If at all possible use the deepest .. ripest .. sweetest fruits you can find .. and prep them while still garden warm if using fresh.

Wash and dry the fruit BEFORE you hull the strawberries and pit the cherries .. this way you will not lose any of those lovely juices.

5 Cups of Fresh ripe Strawberries
5 Cups of Fresh ripe Cherries
4 Cups of Organic Cane Sugar Extract (you *could* use white sugar .. but .. why .. WHY?? would you want to ?!?! O_O )

After washing and drying .. remove the hulls from the strawberries .. and remove the pits from the cherries.

I fill a 2 litre/quart Pyrex measuring cup .. to about 2 cups above the 2 quart line .. with whatever combination of strawberry to cherries I am in the mood for .. usually 50/50 but that can vary.

Dump them into at least a 6 litre/quart stockpot .. 8 is better but not necessary.

Add 4 cups of organic cane sugar extract (this looks just like regular sugar but slightly brownish and tastes much nicer than the white stuff). I get it in a 1 litre/quart sized container and dump the whole thing over the fruit.

Cut .. or mash but cutting is easier ;) .. the berries up as coarse or as fine as you want them by running a very sharp knife through them in the pot .. this lets the juices flow out of them and helps the sugar dissolve into a nice clear syrup .. and stir until the sugar is wet. Cover and let sit in your fridge for 24 hours .. ish .. stirring as often as you happen to think of it.

After 24 hours you will have a lovely syrupy berry mix.

Now .. at this point I often take a wand blender and puree (or partially puree) the lot of it .. just my personal preference for the texture of jams that we like here .. choice is yours .. but it DOES make for a nice jam. :)

Stir the berry/syrup mix well and place on a larger burner on your stove .. setting the burner to just above 7 .. I don't know how to say it otherwise as the knobs on my stove are numbered and I set it slightly above 7 toward 8 to get my best cooking heat for this.

Bring to a nice boil and .. stirring often to keep it from thickening too much on the bottom of the pot .. let boil for about 20 to 25 minutes. It will boil up into a foamy mass at one point for a few minutes .. this is normal .. just stir well until it settles back down .. and is thickened .. and continue boiling. Using a nice long handled wooden spoon is essential with this as there will be a good deal of spattering upward of VERY HOT jam .. so be EXTRA careful while doing this. Skimming is NOT necessary because of the next step.

At this point .. remove from the heat .. cover and let rest for another 24 hours in your fridge.

After this 24 hours .. take clean jars, lids and rings .. and place them in a pot of boiling water that covers them completely .. fill a kettle and get it boiling .. and finally place the tall stock pot on the stove and fill to halfway with water that also is brought to a boil.

Place the pot of cooked fruit on the stove and bring to a boil for 5 minutes stirring often. The variation depends on how thick you want your jam.

Using the jar tongs .. lift out the jars and place them upside down on a rack .. grab the lids and rings as you need them with the smaller tongs. Flip a jar over .. place the wide funnel into the top of the jar and scoop in 1 cup of the boiled fruit mixture. Cap and add the ring .. turning to just secure but NOT tight. Using the large bottle tongs .. place the jar into the large stock pot of boiled water.

Bottle and cap the rest of the jam .. you may or may not need to put the extra in the 7th jar which gives you a part jar which I cap as normal and use first for .. erm .. quality control testing purposes. ;)

Once all the jars are in the stock pot .. make sure that the water covers them completely .. adding more from the boiled kettle as needed .. then turn back on to boil and let boil for 10 minutes.

At that time .. using the bottle tongs .. lift the jars out .. place on a rack .. and WITH GREAT CARE .. using oven mitts OR silicon cooking gloves .. tighten the rings as much as you can. You will hear the tops make a *pop* sound from the suction as they cool forming an airtight seal. Check periodically and retighten the rings. Once you can handle the jars .. place them in your fridge .. or if you are lucky enough to have one .. in a "cold" storage room.

This tastes GREAT served over ice cream .. as well as on your toast. ;)

Variations on this recipe that turn out excellent jams are :

10 Cups of Strawberries - First cooking 25 - 30 minutes / second 10 minutes

OR

10 Cups of Cherries - First cooking 15 - 20 minutes / second 5 minutes

OR

8 Cups of Blueberries - First cooking 15 - 20 minutes / second 5 minutes

OR

10 Cups of Plums (of your choice as they ALL make lovely jams) - First cooking 20 - 25 minutes / second 5

OR

10 Cups of Raspberries/Blackberries - First cooking 20 - 25 minutes / second 5 - 10

OR

10 Cups of ANY berry combination that you like :) - First cooking 20 - 30 minutes / second 5 - 10

I have used this method for 10 years now .. and have NEVER had a problem or anything resembling a "bad" batch. The jams are tasty .. full colored and quite delicious. I have successfully made them using fresh fruit .. and also frozen berries .. ALWAYS with perfect results.

Cooking times can vary .. I am at a point now that I go by the look and sound of the thickening mixture and adjust accordingly .. but .. the times I've given are a good guideline as I took note while making these current batches.

I actually start one batch every day so that I am turning out a batch a day for about 2 weeks or so .. until I am done. The small batch approach is amazingly efficient with this easy, old style method. The short cooking times .. combined with the long resting periods allow the fruits to develope their own natural gelatin .. the way jams USED to be made before they speeded the process up by adding apple pectin to get them to artificially thicken faster. I understand that you can add about a quarter cup of lemon juice to the mixture IF there is a problem with the gelatin formation .. but have never found it necessary to do so.

Back to the jam making .. I have 1 batch of strawberry/cherry left to finish today that MC is chomping at the bit for .. and one batch of cherry to finish tomorrow .. then done until wild blueberries come in in late August .. and also I do have a nice cauliflower/cucumber mustard relish I will be making in much larger batches starting about then too.

I hope you give this a try as it really is so easy and the effort is well worth the final product. :)

The Steady Flame

2008-05-09T15:57:00.003-03:00

My best friend of nearly 15 years is moving away from here to be with the man she has loved for 16 years. She phoned me the other day and we went to our usual place to have lunch and discuss it all. She was glowing .. excitedly .. happy .. happy in a way I have not seen in her before .. and I couldn't be happier for her. :)

She has waited so long .. mostly for his life to fall into line .. quietly living her life here .. while he finished up the business of his life there .. he lives a thousand miles away .. and met when he was in this area doing contract work for the power expansion 16 years ago. Both have been single all this time .. she suddenly widowed after 20 years of marriage to a man she adored .. he .. a widower after seeing his wife through a long illness. She has believed in this .. in him .. even when she had way more reasons to throw her hands up and walk away .. move on .. and forget it all.

They have led these divergent lives .. their paths crossing from time to time .. always loving each other .. yet knowing it could not be their time at those times. I have seen her through several relationships .. the trials with her children .. and the ailings of various friends and family .. watching her struggle to keep it all afloat .. and always .. ALWAYS .. keeping her grace .. her humor .. her dignity through it all.

She deserves this .. I've never met another with such a great capacity for kindness and caring .. her ability to put others before her .. to pull them under her wing .. nurturing .. guiding .. loving .. truly a woman with pure heart.

She is the best friend I've ever had .. kindred souls .. alternating between .. mother .. sister .. child .. mentor .. confidente .. offering a soft shoulder .. or the unvarnished truth .. depending on what was needed of the other in any given moment .. and she is the ONLY person alive that knows ALL of my secrets .. the greatest of my joys .. all of the longings of my heart .. the deepest of my pains .. all of those things that live inside us that we barely whisper to ourselves .. much less another .. she knows them all .. and has loved me in spite of it. LOL

I will miss her terribly .. but I think it's just the idea of the greater distance that will be between us now .. because she currently lives an hour and a half away from me .. and we mostly have stayed close over the phone .. yakkin' for hours on all things relevant on our respective sides of the handsets .. and getting together once a month or so to have lunch and go shopping.

Before we left the restaurant .. she reached across the table and touched my hand before pointing towards a table behind me .. she said .. "that's us you know" .. and I turned to see this elderly pair of ladies .. talking animatedly over their lunch .. and giggling over something silly .. best friends .. even in their 80's .. relaxing in the total comfort of each others space .. and sharing in that wonderfully unique aura that comes only from that special blending of each others energy .. something they share only with each other. We know that space well .. and I look forward to sharing more lunches .. in our shared aura .. well into our dottage. :)

There are just some flames that burn bright forever .. and ever .. and ever more .... no matter the distance. :)

A Cuppa Tea .. And A Few Thoughts .....

2008-05-02T14:35:00.003-03:00

It was a perfectly gorgeous day today .. and I just had to take the time to sit outside on the back deck .. sip my tea .. take in that lovely sunshine .. and think on a few things.

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine from Uru. I met her one of my first days in UU .. and we hit it off immediately .. a truly lovely person and kindred soul. :)

We were discussing Uru .. it's demise .. and the migration and re-settling into other online venues. I have not be in There as much lately .. and finally realized why that was. It is directly related to it being turned into some distorted reflection of Myst/Uru .. and tentatively relayed that revelation to her. She agreed .. with the statement that it's over .. it needs to be allowed to die .. and that people need to finally move on to something fresh and new. O_O LOL She has been as loyal a supporter as any .. she is certainly long time .. original beta .. prologue .. UU .. the works .. and worked overtime notifying friends to come back when UU arrived .. then D'mala .. and finally the second incarnation of Live. So her remark really threw me .. as much as I felt relief that she at the very least understood where I was coming from. :)

Certainly the creative abilities they encourage ingame promotes the idea of making the place the way YOU want it .. so this is in NO way intended to diminish the very hard work and wonderful talents of so many established there .. who make the amazing things that they do .. or put together the tours. It just seems though that building a substitute Myst/Uru .. though nice to have the vestiges around I guess .. seems to take away from the rest that is there TO do. For me anyway. :\

I love dearly my friends that I've made because we found our way into the shared world of Uru .. but .. thank God .. they continue to exist and thrive in worlds that do not have to have anything to do with Uru.

We spent the entire day in There with the tours a few weeks back .. and really wished .. that some of the things we had done had not been Myst/Uru specific. We visited mostly Myst/Uru themed hoods .. or those owned by people connected in some way to Myst/Uru. A few people asked about doing some other things .. and .. aside from dropping a few boards .. or packs .. or buggies .. to explore the above mentioned hoods .. we didn't.

I realize there is only so much time to fit things in .. but it was disappointing .. There has SO much more to do besides visiting Myst/Uru themed hoods. Some of these people needed to be taken to the 21st floor and handed a hoverboard .. and told to manipulate the arrow keys to do trick moves and 'meetcha at the bottom' as we rode them pell mell off the dive ramp .. or to one of the raceways in Saja to do laps on a buggy track .. or to Monkey Craters waaayyy cool Mayan themed paintball arena for a fast round of hilarious fun. There's stuff to DO in There .. besides cruise the lovely hoods.

I have spent countless hours exploring every inch of every island with every type of vehicle I have. I've tried out racing .. both time trials and against others. Browsed homes .. chatting with all kinds of different people from all over the world .. used my Teleporter scroll to visit every area I could find up in space .. played games .. got really into quests for a while .. joined groups for paintball .. just so many things .. and not a ONE had a thing to do with Myst/Uru and mostly were done on my own.

I have visited MOUL and UO .. and looked at the gaggle of threads by that few that are left that just cannot bring themselves to stop beating that poor dead horse called Uru .. dissecting .. questioning .. and some still faithfully lauding Cyan .. and come to the conclusion that it's time to bury the body .. stop robbing the noble IDEA of Uru of a respectable passing .. and find other things that make them happy. I mean .. there MUST be other things then just Uru they have/had in their lives .. wouldn't you think ?? O_o

I am over Uru .. at least all that has come to this point in the Live aspect of it .. a lot of people are over it .. I haven't visited either of those forums in a week now .. and have no desire to. It was a lovely idea .. this Uru .. a forever expanding world filled with ever more wonderfully written ages .. full of story .. and exploring .. and puzzling .. things to find and discover .. all that promise that never was .. never will be .. and doing it all with friends .. and I'm respectfully letting it go .. grateful for the friendships I have made .. the fun I did have .. and the magic that the core game .. yes GAME .. gave me .. and I'm happy to move on to new adventures online .. in new games .. and feel that magic that comes from the discoveries those new venues offer.

Hope to see you in any of those new places .. and if not there .. find those places that make YOU smile .. pique your interest .. and give you a glad heart .. because if it's not doing that .. then you need to find what does .. and head there. :)

Familiar Faces

2008-04-13T12:11:00.027-03:00

Myst Online Uru Live is now dead again .. or in stasis .. or been put back to bed .. or something .. again.

Regardless .. the body is still warm .. and up pop a few familiar faces who have stayed pretty much under the radar for many months now.

I have to confess that .. despite all the time that has passed .. and having gotten some measure of closure for myself when I ran into EricL the last night in D'mala .. (and I say some measure .. because he basically just slapped away my sincere effort to make peace .. but I KNOW I did the right thing) .. felt a certain revulsion in the pit of my stomach when they started posting more frequently again.

I know that the things with me and MC were a drop in the bucket compared to stuff he did to others mind you .. so I suppose my little episode is small compared to the some of them .. but STILL .. what the hell ?! No matter what .. I think that what was done to me and MC by that bunch is ALWAYS going to bother me to some degree .. and NO amount of time passing is going to change that. :(

And before anyone gets on their high horse figuring I need to 'get over it' .. I defy ANYONE to feel anything less after having put up with such an extended attack as we did for so long .. spearheaded by one angry woman with a vendetta .. her willing minions .. a handful of likeminded supporters .. and shielded by her 'special' friend in a high place. As was put to me by someone who watched it all go on .. '.... they can say what they like, but it was pretty plain to most of us that she had a powerful hate on for you and she went after you with a single minded purpose that was frightening to watch .... '. And all that vitriol because of what I said when she told me what they were trying to do trapping tolip .. that they were going to get him to 'like' her slowly (which is an admission that she KNEW full well that he did NOT like her) .. and .. she wanted me to see if I would broach the subject of HER staying at HIS house so that she could attend Mysterium .. because it was near where he lived that year .. sort of get him used to the idea in increments .. to which I told her .. "if you knew tolip .. really KNEW him .. you'd know that this is a REALLY BAD idea". I wasn't kidding either .. O_O

Judging from the reactions of others in the community .. I am pretty safe in saying that I am NOT the only one who suffers from being in that space of knowing how badly you were wronged .. and yet having those responsible blithely walk away having NEVER taken responsibility much less made amends. I don't know how you ever get to a good space about something like that .. when those who conspired as they did NEVER admit what they did .. or EVER make an attempt at making things right by being sincerely sorry and making proper apologies. They walk away happily going about their business .. leaving the wounds they inflicted untended to .. then feign surprise when they find out that others are still angry. O_o

NO sooner does EricL start posting then up pops SuperGram and Jahuti .. and a few others all closely liplocked at each others hinderends .. posting with all the loving back patting that they so thickly lavish on him .. and worshipping at the base of that pedestal that he is so firmly ensconced on so high above them .. O_o

It appears to me he's ready to re-assume his hero/leader position in the Uru community again now that anything Cyan controlled is gone .. and is trying to gather whoever he can under his 'protective' wing. And his faithful at least .. don't seem to be disappointing him. Hmmmm .. that sounds bitter .. do you think that sounds bitter ?? .. Naaahh .. must be my imagination .. I'm rarely bitter about anything. ;)

I will never get it .. and I'm a pretty smart person .. but HOW do people who treat others so badly .. hiding and protecting others who treat others so badly .. say and do truly awful things .. STILL wind up with a group of blind followers that just will not EVER see .. or admit .. that they did anything wrong .. continuing to praise them .. and even shield them from ever stepping up and taking responsibility for what they do ?!?!

Tolip tried last year .. but when he returned from his trip and re-read that thread .. he realized that .. once SuperGram arrived on the scene and the tone changed dramatically after that with EricL posting his list of 'demands' on what he would and would not discuss .. that rather than accept reponsibility for HIS OWN ACTIONS .. EricL was seeming to be quite happy to start to divert the blame to those people who attack anyone who calls EricL on what he's done .. these self professed 'followers of Eric' .. some of which were attacking tolip in that thread .. he just threw his hands up and said .. well .. I can't exactly post exactly what he said .. because I don't generally use that sort of language O_O .. but suffice it to say he figured it was a waste of his time. ;)

I am saying this in a public place .. and I don't care what anyone thinks .. Jahuti is nothing but a dirty old man. He harassed MC from the time she was 15 years old .. yes .. 15 !! .. calling her by creepy pet names .. refusing to stop doing so when she asked him not to .. even in the presence of a witness .. and saying things that were completely inappropriate to her !! I went to EricL in the beginning and he dismissed everything .. said my allegations were pretty 'over the top' .. after all Jahuti is just some poor misunderstood ol' man .. who has found favor and protection as one of EricL's 'dear' friends and close followers .. and a lying, manipulative old pervert .. why on earth would EricL EVER do the right thing and hold him responsible ??

Jahuti even created a female avvie .. called D'nis I believe .. that he decided to use to try and befriend her .. forgetting, I guess, that he had shown the avvie to me at one point .. and even getting caught using that avvie on Tapestry after he finally did get banned for something else. And about that .. little side note here that is JUST my opinion .. they had a long meeting in a hood the night before he got banned .. and then promptly showed up as D'nis the next day .. I figure they hatched it up .. him using an alternate .. and EricL could look like he banned him .. while he could still play on Tapestry .. again .. JUST my feeling about what really happened there .. well .. mine and a few others ;) . Anyway .. due to EricL's protection .. Jahuti continued to try to get MC's attention at every turn .. pming potshots at her .. which she NEVER answered .. and .. when she put him on ignore .. would say things about her to others if she was in the same place (as you wouldn't know if that ignored person was around until you ran right into them .. not a very good system !! ) .. even into D'mala .. causing me to write to Cyan .. who ALSO did NOTHING .. didn't even answer my email !!

He and Louly conspired to trap my friend tolip .. and before ANYONE goes off about 'poor' Louly .. she admitted the ENTIRE thing in our so-called 'private' thread that MrD set up for us .. though she was quick to say the entire thing was Jahuti's idea and she just went along with it O_o .. and .. I SAVED the WHOLE thread .. EVERY word .. and even have it all backed up .. as PROOF !! I have wondered how much of it SHE leaked .. and also hedged about .. from what was said on Slackers .. about me 'refusing' to let her 'get away' with stuff .. I am reckoning that she posted the statements SHE made when she'd pitch her hissy fits in that thread as ME being unreasonable .. because EVERY time I wound up telling HER how badly I felt about everything .. SHE would go off on some tangent about not letting me get away with what I had done .. and ruining me .. and posting the 'truth' .. according to her no doubt .. as I've always said .. if they stuck to the truth there was nothing to tell .. as I didn't trust her as far as I could drop her and I NEVER told her a word about anything that I didn't care was known .. even spending half my time in alternate avvies so that I wouldn't have to deal with getting sacked by insane pm's the second I popped open my KI when I landed in my Relto.

That's why NO one in my online Mysty world had so much as an inkling that my marriage is all but over .. until I posted that in this blog .. because .. it .. was .. NO .. one .. elses .. business. PERIOD Now that MC is older .. and knows .. and God love her .. understands .. it doesn't matter.

Oh .. and I'm throwing something else out .. because he said I could .. tolip .. he WAS involved with someone during UU .. and it WASN'T ME .. never was .. and .. that little relationship came to a rather unpleasant ending. It was plain to me there was something going on .. and to others .. yet those 2 that did that little plotting .. preferred to somehow figure I had something going on .. that I was the reason that tolip didn't like Louly. You know something ?? He could NEVER stand her .. and right from the start he warned me to stay away from them .. especially her .. said she was needy and clingy .. and that if I let her into my head .. let her make me responsible for her 'feelings' .. that she'd rake me over the coals. And good lord he sure wasn't wrong there .. O_O

Well .. there .. I'm glad that's out .. and now .. just because I'm feeling ornery about it all .. and having read a Slackers thread where someone was confused about how 'Neeah the Red' and 'BearFoot' were swayed by those who dislike Slackers .. here's a heads up. While I do NOT know who BearFoot is .. though I have my suspicions .. I DO know .. that while UU was running .. that Neeah was Eleri .. as I used to talk to Eleri in her Neeah suit/avvie .. and YES I am QUITE SURE about that .. it was DEFINATELY Eleri as Neeah .. acknowledged and everything. She had made a little slip up the day I realized it was her .. and I spoke to her as Eleri in that Neeah avvie .. and she asked me to NOT tell anyone as she did not want it publicly known that Neeah/Eleri were the same person .. and .. as per usual with anyone with an alternate avvie .. I respected that request .. and told her I would not spread that info around .. and I never did.

I realized something was weird about it one night though .. when I linked into the Institution hood one evening and she was standing in the fountain .. face REALLY close to a fella's face .. and I'm talking chest to chest .. faces up REAL close .. and read a line of text that made me go .. O_O

Ewwwwwwww .. I need to go shower now ................. O_o

I was was told later .. a looonnng while after I had left Tapestry .. by the fella involved .. exactly what that character had been created for .. something that is NOW common knowledge about what Tapestry was used for .. and fits in with her relationship/lifestyle choices (though NOT for me .. I'm NOT judging anyone .. I'm just saying). The thing that gets me about all that is .. SuperGram obviously KNEW what was going on there .. viewing it with a disapproving eye .. judging by what PS said on Slackers and her opinion that certain people had turned the place into their own personal brothel .. and I think we can be safe in assuming that since she is SO close to him .. that she spoke with EricL .. a lot .. so .. one can assume that he probably was made aware of what was going on .. and .. true to his nature .. he did nothing.

Enough of this .. I'm going to go kill stuff ... a LOT of stuff in Guild Wars .. because all this is doing is making me remember that horrible time .. and makes me glad I now lurk online 'communities' .. much safer than to take the chance of becoming involved with people who take pleasure in utterly destroying you .. just because they can. :\

And .. Now For A Word From Our Sponsors .. Or .. Not So Much :D

2008-04-05T12:43:00.005-03:00

Since being involved with Guild Wars, I've found a couple of forums to visit .. NOT to post .. I prefer staying in the lurky fringe areas of online communities now .. I've learned my lessons well from Uru. O_O

One of my favorite sites is Guild Wars Guru .. as gamer sites go it's pretty good .. if a little rough at times O_O .. and plenty informative .. so worth visiting.

HOWEVER .. starting a few months back now .. if you are NOT logged in you get BARRAGED with ads. My pop-up blocker goes nuts .. and doesn't matter whether you click a link or just on the page so you can scroll down .. nearly every time you click you get those blasted pop-unders instead .. and there are windowed ads on the top post .. and banners across the top of the page .. some can be really obnoxious too as well as straying into inappropriate at times !!

I tried taking screenshots of the site as it loaded to put the addresses that flew by on the loading bar in my FireFox cookie blocker .. an exercise in futility .. but I had really HOPED it would help a bit anyway .. so I decided to see if there wasn't something .. some addon .. or program .. anything .. that would stop that crap.

Turns out there IS .. a nifty little addon for FireFox .. :D

I wish I'd found this AGES ago !!

It's called Adblock Plus .. /dance .. and it works GREAT !!

You can install it to your FireFox browser from the site and subscribe to one of the sites with a bunch of adsites listed .. and you are good to go. It works .. it works VERY well .. but .. for the very odd ad it misses .. you can right click on it and add it to the list to be blocked forever more .. or you can click the little ABP stop sign in upper right of your toolbar and it will give you a list of blockable items on any page you are on .. and give you the option to block them.

Also .. I notice NO loss of speed in loading pages either .. if anything .. losing some of those ridiculous ads .. from some of those ad-dense sites .. has speeded the process up !! :D

Now .. before anyone has a chance to say that ads are how sites make money to keep running .. let me just say this .. NOT .. FROM .. ME .. they don't .. EVER. I have a hard and fast rule .. click NOTHING on any site .. because you don't know where you might be going .. or what mess might wind up taking over your computer. THAT comes from a really BAD infestation that required a harddrive wipe to fix a few years back. A hard lesson .. but learned !!

Let me say again .. I .. click .. NOTHING .. on a site that even remotely resembles ads .. EVER. So I have no qualms whatsoever installing this addon. :)

It's enjoyable to actually view a websites content .. rather than obnoxious ads everywhere .. flashing .. dancing .. or screaming at me. If you feel inclined .. and want to give it a shot .. by all means do .. I am VERY pleased with it .. it makes browsing that GW site .. and many other different sites now too .. fun again. :)

There Are MANY Reasons Why I Love Guild Wars ...

2008-04-01T21:38:00.002-03:00

... and this is just ONE of them .. :D

Today is April Fools Day .. and Guild Wars has done something special and fun the past 2 that I have been playing it. Last year .. they did a gender swap. If you had a female avvie .. you were the male version in a major outpost .. if you were a male avvie .. you were a female version in an outpost. It was utterly hilarious .. and I just could not get used to seeing what my Cierdwyn Of Myst would look like as a male .. I would SO not choose blond cornrows .. O_o

This year .. they had something new planned for us. LOL I would love to have been around the brainstorming table when this years little gem was being tossed around .. oh my .. hope they had a hoot while sorting it out !! :D

Keeping in mind that this is what my avvie usually looks like .. on with the show. ;)

I arrived in the MaD Guild Hall to discover that my avvie had lost some considerable weight in the day since I had last seen her. O_O

Everywhere I went it was the SAME thing .. such as in Kamadan .. and Kaineng City .. and on into Lions Arch !! More and more avvies all seeming to be affected by the same "graphical bug" that I had !!

I rushed outside the gate at Lions Arch .. and it was STILL with me .. O_O .. which was really COOL .. as last year the effect ONLY appeared while in one of the major outposts .. once you left one of those areas .. it was gone until you returned. :\

To check even further .. Madcat .. you can see her standing just over my shoulder in the picture .. ;) and I re-fought a previous mission only to discover that we appeared this way even IN the cutscene !! O_o

I completed several quests that had been in my questlog for a while .. ones that are not part of the primary quest sequence .. so I had them unfinished even though I have completed all campaigns and the expansion. They were .. the 'Battle of Turai's Procession' .. and 'The Troubled Keeper' .. followed by 'Invasion From Within' .. all successfully completed with my avvie looking like .. "that" the entire time. LOLOL :D

It wasn't until I helped a guildmate with a dungeon .. that I had an "accident" .. and wound up looking like a reversed police "chalk line" .. O_o .. lying helplessly on the ground. ROFL

Finally .. at the end of a long, rewarding afternoon of slaying critters .. I spent some fun time unwinding in an alliance members guild with a good few friends .. posing for pictures .. and aren't we just the cutest things ?? :P

You know .. I just LOVE that there are ALWAYS special things to do in Guild Wars .. beyond the normal gameplay and storyline .. that are fun AND that accomodate both those who enjoy the PvP aspect .. or those of us who prefer the PvE play. Sometimes it's yearly events such as the Dragon Festival .. or small events that are thrown EVERY weekend .. such as the St. Patrick's special drops .. or a double points event for the PvPer's .. but it's generally a fun and/or interesting thing that can be soloed or shared with others if you like. It is one of those things that just keeps me going back in so often .. and still happily having a great time after over a year. :)

I hope you enjoyed my little picture show .. I am headed back in .. there are still a few things I need to finish up in the Desolation .. and I really want my questlog cleared .. I should be back to my usual look today .. pity .. was a blast playing with that "other" look. :D

Hello .. My Name Is .....

2008-03-30T14:12:00.010-03:00

... Sherry .. and I "might" be a Sims addict .. O_o

It all started just over 8 years ago .. when I happened upon some online ads for a new game coming out for the computer .. and I was instantly hooked .. combing the internet for screenshots and previews .. whatever I could find.

Over the next 3 years, I bought the first game that came out .. then the next 7 expansions .. that's right 7 !! .. and kept the 8 boxes neatly piled on the corner of my desk .. because .. the computer I had was an old 486 that they could NOT even be played on !! O_O

In January of 2003 .. they released a version of the Sims for the Playstation .. and thank God .. as at last I was able to indulge the desire to play .. though .. truth be told .. all it did was fan the flames to play that ever growing pile of games on my desk even more.

Eventually .. in December of 2003 .. just a scant 9 months before the release of The Sims 2 .. I FINALLY got the computer of my dreams .. set about the long process of installing all 8 of the Sims games that I had been holding in "reserve" .. and began to play in ernest. Hours flew by .. disappearing as moments .. time I will NEVER get back by the way .. but I don't care .. it was great .. and I was happy !!

Then .. one day while looking for tips and cheats .. *oh hush ... :P* .. I discovered The Sims Resource .. *bows head in a moment of reverent silence* .. a place where I could now download extra content and recolors for my games. Wait .. what ?!? .. we can DO this ?? O_O

New hairstyles and colors .. clothing and furniture .. wall covers and floors .. everything I could want .. and plenty I had never even thought of O_o .. in a rainbow of colors .. and unique custom made designs .. was mine .. aaaalllll mine .... and my various GameData folders grew to many megs in size .. never had my Sims lived in such luxurious digs .. and looked so fine. :D

On top of that .. I began experimenting with my own recolors of clothing and items .. and my GameData folders grew ever larger .. till it was hundreds of megs in size.

All the while I was keeping a careful watch out for all screenies and previews that I could find in anticipation of The Sims 2 release.

Then .. at loooong last .. The Sims 2 was released later in 2004 .. and .. naturally .. that was instantly installed to my computer .. as have been the ALL of the subsequent content packs and expansions .. up to and including the most recent .. and final XP .. of The Sims 2 series .. Free Time.

Over these 8 years .. I have joined countless content sites .. and at a few .. such as The Sims Resource .. I have full paid accounts .. as that is the ONLY way to get to the massive content on those sites :D .. and my Downloads folders into which I load my custom content is now 4 Gigs in size .. yes .. you read that right .. 4 Gigs .. and my game takes in the neighborhood of 20 .. ish .. minutes to even load now. O_O

I have re-textured many items myself .. hundreds of clothing items .. and created oodles of paintings and other items that have all been added to my Downloads folder .. and created many many houses and other buildings. And let's not forget the handful of CD's I have containing the downloaded content that I've saved .. and NEVER installed .. 'cuz .. well .. you know .. I just "might" want some of those things one day .. maybe .. O_o

They've announced the creation of The Sims 3 .. due out "sometime" in 2009 !!! I'm nearly giddy with anticipation .. combing various sites for any scrap of info .. a screenie .. anything .. and .. already I'm thinking it *may* be time for a new compy to accommodate all 3 .. yeah I know .. but .. I STILL play the first one :D .. and can't see me giving up the second one either once the new one comes out as I often invest HOURS of rabid play into that li'l experience. With that in mind .. I've begun to suspect that there "may" be the ever-so-slight "possibility" that I'm "too" into the Sims .. so I've come here for help .. just to find out .. if maybe .. possibly .. I might kinda be .. okay .. fine .. I AM !! O_o

So .. I say again .. hello .. my name is Sherry .. and Thank God .. erm .. I mean .. God help me .. I AM a Sims addict .. :D

This Thing Called Trust

2008-03-29T13:46:00.019-03:00

After what's gone on the past week .. and reading those posting who are dealing with their anger and betrayal .. their loss of trust .. I've spent the past couple of days pondering this thing called trust that we give to another .. and the effect it might have on those in the community .. affected by this the most deeply .. in their future online dealings.

Trust is one of the strongest most enduring gifts we offer each other. It gives us faith to believe in another .. even blindly .. when all is stacked against them .. because we believe in that person we have come to know.

Yet .. as deep as that trust can be .. as strongly as it can endure .. in the space of a tiny moment .. one careless .. thoughtless act .. can shatter it completely .. causing reverberations into areas of our lives that have had no connection to the initial betrayal and changing forever the way we deal with others.

For me .. I do not trust easily .. at least not that level of trust that is a deep and abiding faith that this other person will never hurt or betray me .. that not only can I bare my soul .. but that I confidently know that those deepest secrets will always be safe .. that they will always treat me with love and affection .. ever happy to spend time with me .. or help me if needed .. offer a shoulder to lean on in times of trial .. or to simply let me be who I am .. even if they don't always "get" me .. or even agree. Basically .. not offering all that I have in me to offer .. not initially anyway. :)

I offer trust in .. hmmm .. layers .. I guess is as good a term as any for it .. and unless HUGE alarm bells go off when I first meet someone .. I think most everyone is offered a free pass .. a certain "entry-level" of trust that opens the door to allow me to get to know them .. and to let them get to know me.

I am friendly to most people .. it's just my wiring .. I really LIKE people .. chatting with them as I get to know them .. sharing bits of my life with them. Sort of mini offerings that test the boundaries of each other .. tiny steps made into a darkness that either land on ever more solid ground .. or .. finding nothing of substance to support ever going past this intial phase of "friendliness". And that's just an assessment I personally make I guess .. almost an unconscious thing really .. and .. mostly anyway .. protects me from letting in those that would only hurt me later .. though .. some of the most damaging attacks can come from those that I never let in close anyway. :\

As people get filtered through those rings around me .. working their way ever closer .. most remain at various levels away from me .. with only a very few ever reaching that place where I trust completely. Even then .. that is still NO guarantee that misunderstandings won't develope .. disruptive personalities arrive to cause problems .. or .. as can so often happen .. we just drift apart .. which even then doesn't necessarily diminish that trust I have in the person that they are.

Cases in point on that ..

First .. I was friends with DS .. DarkSabre .. a while back .. and even though he did some things that betrayed that trust I had in him .. and he did redeem himself somewhat in his public post where he apologized but then STILL went off and dissed me .. I STILL believed in that young man that I had been friends with. Despite it all .. I KNEW that there was a good and decent young man in there .. that was no fake I had dealt with .. and his actions confounded me .. as much as they hurt me. I don't think that most people know that he and I still talk .. and I do consider myself to be a friend to him. I ran into him one of my first days in Uru Live .. of all the people to meet up with .. lol .. and we chatted and I gave him my GW name. We have run a few missions .. I even met his wife, which was nice.. and .. we had a few really good, candid talks .. held nothing back .. about all that had gone on on both sides .. cleared the air .. and we still continue to chat ingame. The big question of course is .. Do I trust him ?? .. I dunno .. despite the candor when we spoke, certainly not like before I don't think .. BUT .. easily forgiven without hesitation and I sincerely wish him NOTHING but the best. He's been through a lot .. made his own "unwise" choices with people online .. and paid the price for them. He deserves a break .. some peace AND some happiness .. and I find myself 4-square in his corner rooting for him. I did tell him that .. despite it all .. I have always believed in that funny, decent young man that always spoke so lovingly of his family .. sent me such great pictures of everyone .. and that I thought so much of because of that .. even when he made it REALLY hard to. He just laughed and said "thanks" .. then he told me that I was a really good person .. and to find happiness .. no matter what it took to find it .. because I deserved it. See ?? I knew he was a good guy in there. LOL

Second .. I have been friends with another for several years .. he even called me "Sis" for a while .. telling me that where he comes from .. family is really important .. and for him to call me that bespoke of how really important I was in his life. We spoke nearly every day .. always fresh and fun .. browsed forums together .. and he always had a talent for finding something new and silly to laugh about .. a gift for turning any moment into one of hilarity .. and offered each a safe place to talk about how we felt about things .. a place of unconditional support. I can say that I absolutely trusted him completely .. felt completely safe in allowing him into that rare space so close to me .. believing in him and offering him that most loyal of friendships in return. Then one day .. he just stopped. No reason .. no explanation .. nothing. He pretty much dropped out of sight all over the place .. but is still around as MC runs into him in GW from time to time and he chats with her on occasion. I've spent so much time trying to figure out if I did something .. anything .. and what it was .. I don't know even yet what happened .. I have run into him myself a few times in GW .. and he's always nice to chat with .. yet .. I always feel that something unsaid is left there between us .. probably just my needing to know what happened .. and not ever knowing. He even knows that I do have trust issues .. especially with online friendships .. so it is all the more upsetting that he of all people would just disappear on me .. at least without something of an explanation. Certainly my faith in him is thoroughly shaken .. not to mention my already shakey faith in myself to make good assessments of people online .. and I have been hurt by the actions he has taken .. yet .. with him also .. I KNOW I was/am right about the person that he was/is .. and for reasons that make NO rational sense .. I continue to believe in him .. and in our friendship. But .. if .. suddenly he were to start dropping by to chat again like he did before .. Would I still trust him as I had before ? .. again .. I dunno .. but I don't think so. Although I would be delighted to have him around again .. enjoy that wonderfully warm friendship .. my trust would not be as it once was .. though .. in time .. and with consistency and with an honest airing out about it all .. he might find his way back to that closer space he once had .. or nearly. ( and NO .. it's NOT tolip .. :P .. lol .. we're still good buddies .. :D )

Lastly .. I actually made a HUGE adjustment in how I let people near me after that ugliness in UU .. and I have been EXTREMELY careful since that crap with ANYONE I meet. Carefully having avoided letting ANYONE get past those outer levels since that time .. I'm always friendly .. yet always .. I keep people at arms length .. even when I have wanted to get to know someone better .. I just would not let myself take that chance. Yet despite that .. and even in the midst of the loss and confusion of that second friendship .. I have STILL been blessed with a new .. stronger friendship that has passed through all the layers .. and is someone I trust as I have few others and will fiercely protect as is my way. Initially though .. I was strictly avoiding new interactions beyond a friendly "afternoon everyone" in Alliance Chat. He just came busting on through anyway .. seeking me out .. just consistently being the really nice person he is .. and chipping away at my carefully placed defenses eventually I told him everything .. explained why I preferred to keep my distance .. and STILL he persisted .. said that that showed what a genuinely nice person I really was and made me even MORE worth knowing .. he made it awfully hard to do anything but give it a chance .. but it has been well worth it .. and I am very happy that I did. :D

Which brings me back to the actions of Ravin .. and his ultimate act of cruelly punishing all those who cared so much about him by faking his own death to get back at 1 or 2 who he felt "may" have turned on him. It was carefully planned .. if poorly executed .. over the space of at least a few days when he started setting things up by confiding in Preacher well before he made his post on Slackers about leaving. At any time he could have re-thought .. stopped the process .. yet chose to proceed full bore anyway .. so it wasn't a spur of the moment thing that was done before he had time for second thoughts. We're talking at least several days .. even a few feeble attempts at covering his online footprints .. to me .. this was clearly a pre-meditated act .. to make someone sorry for what they had done.

Keep in mind that I didn't know him except for his posts .. I think I met him once in the city on D'mala after he had finally gotten allowed onto the shard .. and said it was nice to see he had gotten in .. so my feelings are not nearly as involved as some of those on Slackers .. but I am sure there are those who would forgive all and move on .. just as there are those who would NEVER give him the chance to hurt them again.

Being who I am .. the way I am .. I wonder .. given the enormity of the actions taken by Ravin .. against those who had offered such unconditional friendship to him .. would I be able to forgive that? .. and offer such trust again should he decide to come back and make amends. I've thought long and hard about that .. and in the end I would have to say probably not. Though I might have to tolerate him in a public space such as the forum .. if he chose to pick up where he left off there .. I would probably no longer respond to him .. and would probably avoid him if I could .. I also wouldn't be mean to him either .. he'd just go to the level away from me reserved for those who are NEVER allowed to be close to me .. EVER.

I've seen no mention of anyone hearing from him .. so if anyone has they've kept it to themselves .. but I have a feeling that he isn't gone .. not completely .. as he was pretty attached to the Uru/Myst community. And even though he jumped the gun on re-entering the community as "Underhill" .. I have little doubt that even if he doesn't come back as Ravin .. he WILL definately create a new avvie to participate in the forums again. Posing the question .. Will he try to establish new friendships and ties with those he betrayed .. winning their trust anew .. and .. in effect .. perpetrating yet one more betrayal against them ?

I wish everyone the best .. and hope they all are able to move past it sooner rather than later .. but .. I do believe that each is going be changed in some way by the betrayal of trust .. it will just be a matter of degrees .. and that is the most unfortunate part of this entire thing. :\

Same Song .. New Singer ...

2008-03-27T12:00:00.020-03:00

Wow .. I re-read my last post .. hmm ... could be something to that menopause thing there .. O_o .. LOL

Shades of Starfyre .. we've had another "death" in the Uru community !! O_O

I hadn't been keeping up with the forums since I was so cross after that last post that I just stayed away and even have removed my MO:UL from my compy .. freeing up 4 gigs in the process no less. :D I've decided that I no longer care about the whole thing thanks to the way things have been done .. by all parties involved .. and by the behaviors of the few that seem to dominate the forums. I'm done .. I don't care if they light every corner of the cavern .. open every door and area .. and bring on the dancin' squee review .. I'm happy about that choice. :)

My friend tolip pointed me to a thread on COBBS and one on Slackers where Ravin posted that he was going to be gone for a bit .. setting the stage so to speak .. and asked me what I thought. I told him that .. in my opinion .. the three posts on Slackers .. "Ravin's" .. "Ravin's sister's" .. and the new guy posting that ever-so-sad song in remembrance of a guy he didn't even know, "Underhill" .. appeared to all be made by the same person. I based that conclusion on the layout of the posts .. such as using small paragraphs to present each thought .. and the same grammatical habits of missing capital letters at the start of sentences .. forgetting periods at the ends .. and using dots to trail off the end of other sentences. Just seemed like the same person to me. Not to mention .. if you do a timeline of what he posted and when .. once I read the other Slackers thread in the Steam Room .. it all fits nicely together.

So I did a little Google search with the various names Ravin said he used .. in a post on MOUL .. and found the Seti profile page for "Underhill" in the link that was listed as for "Ravin Dracon" .. and you cannot imagine my surprise when I clicked the link for the one and the other name showed up. O_O I pulled up the original page from the Cache link .. and voila .. matching UserID #'s.

I passed it all on to my friend and it all came to a head when my friend posted that data on the MOUL forums .. quickly to be removed .. but still seen by enough to get them alerted. lolol

Seems several forums and people already suspected as tolip did that things weren't right. He'd even posted on COBBS "opus out?" .. cuz he said something stunk about it.

Makes me laugh that these others were now posting they suspected but were holding out until they were sure. Oh .. please .. it appears more to me that they were saying nothing in the hope it would blow over and nothing would need to be said UNLESS something public was said. But then again .. that is JUST my opinion on that .. because I find it hard to accept that NO one else besides me found that Seti link .. in a search that took me all of 2 minutes !! O_o

I ventured into the Steam Room to have a peak .. see what was going on there as I hadn't been there in a little while. If you all knew how hard it was for me to access Slacker's forum you'd appreciate what that means. Seems since we got highspeed .. there is a routing issue between them and us .. and it takes a LONG time to load anything on that site .. honestly .. by the time I get logged in .. make it to any forum .. and view even ONE thread of a few pages .. it can take me an hour !! Seriously !! O_O

Gnarly Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that what follows is MY general feeling on what happened .. nothing more or less. :)

I don't quite get why people feel the need to pull such stunts .. why not .. if you're unhappy .. feeling betrayed .. whatever .. just leave .. no long rambling opus .. no dramatic death scene .. just .. GO. Here is a great humorous sendup that tolip found on YouTube about this sort of thing .. and both the Starfyre and Ravin incidents are CLASSIC examples of this !! LOL :D

Anyway .. after reading the thread in the Steam Room about BAD giving the AdminKI code to Ravin .. which had been discussed on COBBS with another there expressing their displeasure .. and seeing how truly upset Tomala was about that .. how she expressed that to BAD .. I think I might be able to surmise why Ravin did what he did.

Slackers was a safe Haven for him. No matter what he did .. what upset him .. what (occasional) hystrionic fit he pitched .. they ALWAYS reached out to him .. protected him .. comforted him .. and also provided him a supportive space to be who he was sharing his spiritual beliefs .. as any REAL friends would do. I suppose he just got used to unconditional support for his actions .. regardless of what those actions might be. With Tomala being so vehemently against BAD giving him that code (and with good solid reasons .. I just want to add) and expressing it so concisely .. I'm sure he took that very personally. And .. I would suspect that .. in his hurt and angry place he chose to strike back and inflict hurt on her .. them .. for that perceived betrayal. Maybe feeling that even she/they would never let him be free of whatever hacking he did YEARS ago .. when most of us had NO idea he even ever did anything .. and really .. most at this point would care less. He even went to the trouble of "confiding" info to another member/friend .. I suppose to use him to support his plan. I'd be curious to know when .. in the series of events .. he did that .. talked to the guy. It'd show when he started things rolling in the timeline of the other stuff going on .. show when he crossed the line in deciding to go forward with it .. maybe even show what that defining moment was that pushed him over the line.

It is a shame he chose to do that .. because I do think that he has hurt the very people that DID give him the truest offering of friendship .. so to do that to that little group .. good lord .. what was he thinking? I feel kinda bad for Tomala on Slacker's .. although I don't always feel comfortable with how things are handled as they do have their own way of doing things ;) .. I DO genuinely like HER. She's a nice young woman .. funny and intelligent .. and quite capable of standing her ground when she needs to .. but also with a very sweet side that I am sure is feeling all sorts of things about this that aren't very good. Hang in there {{{{Sweetie}}}} .. you did nothing wrong. :)

I'm sure this will all blow over .. as these things do .. and if he chooses to make his apologies .. if not his explanations .. for the whyfor's of it all .. they'll forgive him .. or most of them will .. and support him there .. because he really does have friends there.

As for me .. I'm crawling back away from the forums again. After attempting to read a couple of threads that devolved into a few of the usual troll-like regulars on MOUL taking potshots at each other .. yet again .. I've decided that I am right .. I'm happier away from them .. MUCH happier .. ;)

We're Finding A Way ... Making A Home ... Whether They Like It Or Not

2008-03-10T13:44:00.007-03:00

In perusing the MOUL forum yesterday I noticed a post by someone I remember from Until Uru. She was nice enough .. if a bit odd .. and I mostly avoided her having been somewhat scalded by someone similar who was involved with UU.

I felt it was kind of a rude post .. as were several of her subsequent posts pouncing on people who were trying to explain what others were doing in trying to help people get organized and comfortable in a new world BEFORE the last Uru day .. putting down those people who are choosing to find other online games in which to stay and play together in now that MOUL is shutting down .. dragging out a few of the usual faithful to further shame anyone who glances sidelong at any non-Cyan kissed game. I just cannot imagine what gives ANYONE the right to run their mouth like that about how others choose to spend their online time.

Maybe it's my menopause putting me in defiant frame of mind .. my patience with this crap isn't what it once was .. but ......

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with playing in other games .. whatever the game of your choosing is. I have made wonderful friends because of my involvement with Uru .. but my friendships don't thrive ONLY because of the connection to Uru .. don't exist ONLY in the Uru environment. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit helplessly by letting my dear friendships go down with the Good Ship Uru without finding ways to maintain them in a realtime .. avvie driven .. environment such as I've .. we've all .. gotten used to in Uru. Those handful posting in that thread .. attempting to shame those who are 'finding a way .. making a home' so that they can continue to enjoy those relationships .. well .. that's just selfish .. blind .. oh heck .. let's just call it what it is .. Cyan asskissing at it's finest. LOL :D

It all just makes me so cross .. how dare they tell any of us where we should be online .. and then further insult us by overtly suggesting that we are somehow sinning against Cyan by daring to try and organize things BEFORE the plug gets pulled. How much of a 'slap in the face' it is to Cyan .. or that those threads have no place on those forums .. or how if they had any say the threads wouldn't be allowed .. or would be at the least moved .. and on .. and on.

To those of you who keep saying those things .. if YOU want to languish on a dying forum of a dead-again game .. please do so .. I certainly would never entertain the idea of trying to stop you .. or encourage you to try something that might be fun .. AND give you the added bonus of standing in a chat circle .. or sitting around a fire .. or exploring a new area that someone has created .. WITH the same people you have come to enjoy spending time with .. in a virtual avvie.

I email my friends .. I chat in Yahoo with them .. I voice chat with them .. but you know .. there is just a little more sense of 'physically' sharing the same space with them when driving an avvie and DOING things together. I don't know why that is .. for me .. it .. just .. is .. and I make NO apologies for that and certainly not to the bunch of you that seems to be so deeply entrenched in the Cyan/Uru .. um .. hinderend .. that you can't see anything else. :)

With regards to the idiotic statements that it's blatant 'advertising' of other games .. it is IN FACT .. Uruites at their FINEST organizing their friends and fellow players and helping others get ready for WHEN the plug gets pulled .. WHILE everyone is still in one place and NOT drifted away afterwards .. AS HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME Uru got 'put to bed'.

I greatly enjoy playing in There Online .. (gosh I hope that OP's head explodes mentioning it here) .. and I have had just THE best time playing Guild Wars the past year .. and you know .. I play mostly with people I know .. have known for YEARS .. from Uru. And you know why I play with them? Because I like them .. a lot .. they're good people .. and some are even dear friends .. and we enjoy doing things together online. Not just standing around a fountain chatting .. waiting for the next tidbit of .. of .. anything .. to be handed to us in Uru .. but .. to actually BE doing stuff together .. things we have fun doing TOGETHER .. regardless of where that place to be together is. Sometimes it's just chatting .. sometimes it's hoverboarding over newly opened islands in There .. exploring every square inch .. delighting in each new find .. or creating beautiful gardens or lots .. OR .. yes in GW it's chatting animatedly in alliance or guild chat .. or .. actually doing missions together and *gasp* killing virtual critters .. or having a dance party in a guild hall .. or .. something that just puts us all in the same space together to look into our smiling virtual faces and feel that feeling you get when you have your favorite people over for an evening of happy chatter and warm friendship.

You aren't going to shame me .. nor anyone that I know .. into forsaking those friendships .. sharing virtual adventures .. in familiar environments .. just to please YOUR overblown sense of loyalty to Cyan. Also .. just for the record .. I don't care if they hand us yet another 'Until' Uru .. or reasonable facsimile in all it's static glory .. I'll still be with my Uru friends no matter where I choose to go online .. be it the Uru ages I love .. There Online .. Guild Wars .. or anyplace else I choose to visit .. and play with the people that have become so dear to me .. and that's a comfort I enjoy.

If you cannot bring yourself to be anywhere else then Uru .. then I feel sorry for YOU .. but I'm sure you will live a full and happy life offline .. keeping a forum alive with occasional posts .. and forever waiting for the sunken Uru to rise .. yet again. Truly the best of luck to you. :)

As for me .. I'm now off to visit with my friends in There Online .. tend to my garden island .. and see who new might have found their way to the beautiful Shorah hoods .. before making my way into Guild Wars to chat with the lovely Uru people who are in my guild/alliance .. maybe do a mission or few .. and probably do it all while voice chatting with a favorite friend of mine that .. thankfully .. has NEVER had anything to do with ANYTHING Myst/Uru/Cyan related .. bless his heart. ;)

Bedtime Approaches .. Again

2008-02-15T12:16:00.002-04:00

Recently .. February 4 as a matter of fact .. the truth was finally revealed that Myst Online: Uru Live was going to be dropped by GameTap and shut down. In effect .. it's dying .. being put to bed .. whatever you prefer to call it .. again.

I saw this coming for MONTHS .. and based on a post by a fellow on the greeters forum .. it's been a done deal since a very chatty intern at the GameTap headquarters blurted it out to him way back in the fall during a trip he had made there .. and that he had kept to himself all this time until the announcement was finally made.

Anytime a discussion came up about the coming new season I ALWAYS expressed my doubts that it would ever happen .. and always stating my reasons as to how I had logically arrived at that conclusion. Things weren't making sense .. the switch to episodes sort of made sense as an option to delivering the (pitifully sorry) story elements .. but the sudden end to the season .. with no clear time frame for the hiatus or the debut of the second season .. I don't know .. just didn't make sense. Couple that with the echoingly empty silence from both GameTap and Cyan about ANYTHING related to it's future .. with them seeming to prefer hiding behind the protectively adoring fans who were always touting the 'wait and see it's gonna be grand' line .. ever giving Cyan a place to hide while speaking with some authority for them. ( where's a good rolling eye emote when you need one .. lol )

If I were the ranting sort THAT would be one of the things I would have a run at. Those people make me nuts .. and it's not so much that they are such devoted fans .. it's that their devotion blinds them to ANYTHING but the perfection that is Cyan and all that Cyan blesses with their touch .. to the point where dissension must be silenced .. along with the dissenters .. and ANY hint of a whisper of daring to express doubts .. or concerns .. or question .. or .. God forbid .. outright challenging *whatever* as 'less than perfect'. They can be rude to outright vicious in their attempts to excuse and defend all things Cyan. It's more than a little offputting. :\

I got lightly toasted by one of them on the MOUL forum .. when I DARED to suggest that the hiatus time would be the optimum time when Cyan would be creating content for the new season .. based on how things are done for TV shows by information passed on to me by a friend who actually does that for a living. It only makes sense. You have this time when you can produce wonderful things and stay ahead of demand by getting them done during the off time. Naturally my post gets singled out of ALL the other ones .. spoken to as if I were a simple child with limited intelligence that needed things spelled out to me. That Cyan was getting a much needed break .. and that these episodes were not like a TV show. Tell me .. how are they going to release new content .. on time .. that .. according to the faithful take upwards of 6 months !! to produce .. if they sit on their collective butts for x number of months BEFORE the second season should be starting and the release of NEW .. COMPLETED ages would be a requirement ?!?! Funny .. how the song changed from how 'poor' underfunded Cyan was working so hard to release ages that take MONTHS to produce and that was why they were so slow/scant .. to how 'poor' underfunded Cyan had worked so hard and now needed a rest .. in effect squandering those very precious months when they could be producing great things .. on .. nothing. I resisted the urge to re-address such a simply idiotic response .. as I know there's no dealing with people who already know it all .. and NO amount of facts is EVER going to open their eyes.

For the supposed next season .. the entire feel was completely different from the expectantly charged air when it was announced that MO:UL was coming back. Even with the constantly waved banner of 'cautious optimisim' .. you KNEW it was going to happen. D'mala was opened .. GameTap and Cyan employees were often visiting the shard .. a forum was opened .. the fires were stoked .. and everyone was excited with all of these things. For the second season .. nothing but silence .. not a word regarding hints for the coming season .. nothing to get people wondering .. tiny tidbits to keep the interest there during the hiatus .. the newsletter was pulled .. it just didn't ring true that anything was coming .. more like downplaying it in an attempt to dull any sort of anticipation from building .. the better to lessen the impact when the announcement was finally made.

What's most appalling is that Cyan/GameTap said nothing for months and let people pay good money during the off-time .. for basically an Uru chatroom and hangout .. with NO story and NO new content .. in the belief that the second season was coming by allowing the devoted fans to rave on .. belittling anyone who questioned .. yet raving on about it being a done deal .. making the tired blanket excuse that all parties were in nebulous contractual 'talks' that were shrouded in a blanket of NDA. Funnily enough .. touted conclusions drawn by the faithful .. but never actually confirmed by either of the actual parties .. who fed out mostly vagaries about nothing of any substance .. which only made me MORE sure that they were fudging things along until they could avoid the announcement no longer. My feeling is that they had a contract until that time and couldn't make the official announcment on what had already been decided in the fall .. as that poster on GoG had stated .. until that contracted time had passed .. rather than they were in ANY sort of talks.

It's done and announced now .. and of course .. the ensuing ugliness from the angry .. the disappointed .. the disillusioned .. the defenders .. on those forums has died down now.

As for me I miss Uru .. I've missed it for a long time .. not the Live disjointed .. puzzle for the sake of a puzzle .. age for the sake of an age .. story thin MOUL .. but the Uru that was painted for us .. the wonderful magic of discovery of new worlds .. intricate story and substories .. and wonderful characters that you grow to know and love .. or hate .. but that invoke something within .. along with a need to know more .. find more .. discover more .. to be fully a part of. THAT'S the Uru I long for .. got a tiny glimpse of .. and .. I'm still waiting for. :)

The Face of Beautiful

2007-09-23T15:05:00.000-03:00

This is the face of the most beautiful woman I have ever known. She is my paternal grandmother .. and I love her very much. The picture was taken at her 100th birthday .. nearly 2 years ago. Her name is Vivian .. but all of her friends called her 'Biddy' as she was tiny .. and busy .. like a dear little biddy hen. lol

She passed away on the 20th of September .. and though not unexpected .. has still left a sadness in my heart that cannot be comforted. Already I miss her terribly.

This is a poem that my Aunt Shirley .. her only daughter .. wrote :

"Don't weep for me my loved ones
For I am as happy as I can be
I'm going home to be with mamma
Where I know she waits for me.

Don't you hear my mamma calling?
Like she called the others one by one
I'm the last one to join them
At last my battle has been won.

So live your lives to the fullest
Love and laugh from day to day
Remember that I love you
And it will always be that way.

Dad and I will be waiting
When your life on earth is o'er
We'll both be there to meet you
When you cross the other shore.

So don't be sad when I leave you
No matter where you roam,
Remember that I am happy
Because at last I'm going home."

- written by Shirley Brown, September 2007

I have lovely memories of this lady .. of curling up with my sister in a huge rocking chair in the corner of her cozy kitchen warmed by an old wood stove .. of sneaking into her pantry that always smelled of her lovely baked treats and peeking in the many tins that stored those delicious bites .. of Christmases seated at her huge dining room table with all my relatives and eating her wonderful meal .. of sitting in her den and making her laugh over some silly story I had to tell .. of discovering how very loved by her I was .. when I hadn't even realize that I was .. and of always being welcomed with open arms whenever I arrived at her house. She was the stereotypical 'granny' type .. complete with gray, neat, curly hair .. glasses .. and her big old apron .. she always smelled of Lux/Jergen's soap and freshly baked something .. and was as dear and caring as a granny should be.

She was my last surviving grandparent .. and her loss is profound in ways I could not have imagined .. bringing a sharp focus on my own advancing clock .. and seeing my 70+ year old father in a new light that leaves me vulnerable to the implications of that reality.

I seem to be more cognizant of the ebb and flow of people into .. and more pointedly .. out of .. my life right now. I've had several longer term friendships unexpectedly change course in recent months .. with the subsequent sense of loss that always comes with that .. and .. happily .. the blessing of a wonderful new relationship being born.

It's life I suppose .. flowing along .. endless divergent paths .. ever finding each other .. merging for a moment .. or forever .. but always moving us ever forward .. until finally .. as with my grandmother most recently .. we find our way home at last.

MO:UL Episode "Scars" .. A Post Mortem

2007-05-26T16:29:00.000-03:00

Myst Online : Uru Live .. finally presented it's first 'episode' since announcing their move to episodic content release .. for one week each month I believe. This one was titled "Scars" .. and I have to admit it was fun and interesting to follow .. and I enjoyed the experience for the most part.

Despite the horrific .. and unnecessary .. death of a known young character (and her friend) .. that tied in several things that had been going on .. strange symbols .. the deaths of animals in Neghilan with Sharpers little revelatory expedition about the Bahro .. and the ultimate disappearance of the one girls distraught father .. I'd say it was pretty well presented. The episode week also gave us some nice new relto pages .. a new clothing item .. and finished it all off with a VERY cool, shiny new age too. :D

Just my feelings here on the nasty "Wheely" death .. I pegged Rose as obviously THE 'red-shirt' the minute I saw her .. and made perfect sense for the death of 'someone close' to the DRC. The same mysteries could have still been presented .. WITHOUT the wrenching emotional impact that hit so many so hard with Wheely's gruesome death so close to rescue. There were some in the city .. truly invested in the rescue .. standing there .. calming her .. trying to help. I was mostly an observer .. NOT so invested .. BUT .. I DO understand their upset .. I nearly lost each of my girls when they were young .. trust me .. NO one needs to relive that .. ever !! I truly do feel Cyan overdid it with the killing of the Wheely character. The introducing of 'expendable' characters is an oft used tact in all sorts of 'episodes' of programs .. works very well at moving story along .. can engage you emotionally .. especially if you get to really like the character in the short time they are there .. then their tragic demise .. which although a loss, does NOT wring out your heart. Though a testament to their story telling abilities .. to use the beloved child/teen character Wheely (lots of people referred to her as 'their' little sister) was just a poor choice - IN MY OPINION. Think of the direction Wheely might have taken .. so young .. losing her best friend .. blaming herself .. her father trying to cope with her obsession with the Bahro symbol and the Bahro .. could have been an amazing character/storyline development. But .. it's done now .. no taking it back .. I just hope they learn from it. And that is MY opinion .. for my own reasons .. and I'm standing by it. :)

I actually made it into the crowded city a half a dozen times .. waiting in the nexus for a spot to open up .. there were only 50 avvie spots available .. and was lucky enough to be there for actual things going on with the DRC characters on 4 of those occasions. I was in the city when the character Wheely and her friend Rose disappeared .. and for the dramatic ending where the Wheely character is killed .. and for several things in between. I consider myself fortunate to have made it in that much and at those times as it was not easy to get in .. or stay in as I generally 'stack dumped' out .. crashing as it were .. within about an hour or so of arriving. Which ticks me off .. because I NEVER used to stack dump .. ever.

One of the most annoying things was seeing peoples avvies in the /afk (away from keyboard) positions .. or seeming abandoned as they were unresponsive. Having been left there to 'hold their spot' .. in case they wanted to see what was going on. In effect taking up a spot that someone else could have used who actually wanted to be more then just a place marker for events. It is utterly selfish behavior that deprives others of at least a chance to be in there and experience the things going on with the ingame characters.

The same things went on with people 'camping' their avvies many hours before Rand Millers visit to the cavern and the opening of the new age Minkata the last day. MC made it into the city in the early afternoon before the age was released .. and said nearly half of the avvies she saw were in the /afk position around the library .. as that was where the new 'linking book' would most likely appear for it. She didn't even attempt the hood where Rand was supposed to show up .. it already showed over a hundred .. and we KNOW that a lot of them were just vacant avvies.

The lag in crowded areas was horrendous .. and the crashing annoying .. and our compy's are NO slouches .. I made sure of that when we had them built .. so our problems were not so severe as many others had. Despite the handful of 'Cyanfan apologist' assertions .. the game HAS 'issues' .. that's no secret to anyone .. and I'm hoping after the 'stress test' that the servers underwent this past week that some serious thought and work will go into improving those areas that so sorely need it. The game went down bigtime with so many gathered in there and those attempting to link to the new age in a bunch .. hundreds of people really .. that's all .. yet the combination of bad netcode (among other things I have on VERY GOOD authority ;) ) and game servers could not handle the load. People were locked out of the game and screamin' foul on the forums .. made for some entertaining reading :D .. while waiting calmly on this side of the screen for them to get things sorted and back up before heading in to explore Minkata. I hate to think I'm to the point that I've become so used to the failures that I've accepted them as 'normal' .. O_o

MC and I have been playing in the Minkata age .. even finished it .. and as much as I loved it .. it has beautiful music .. intriguing layout .. outstanding puzzle too .. did my fair share of wandering aimlessly in the sandy winds before understanding the map book .. IN THE END .. it is STILL just one more age .. with one main puzzle .. that means NOTHING. There is NO reason for doing it .. NO connection to anything going on. The events of the week could have culminated in the releasing of the age to help the DRC find out what is going on .. appealing to the explorers for help .. and suggesting perhaps there might be something in Minkata that would help them figure it out .. as it obviously has signs of Bahro occupancy at some time, everywhere. At least we'd know WHY we were even there doing a puzzle.

I .. like most people I know .. need to know that there is a reason for what I'm doing .. even if I don't know what that reason is .. as in Myst ;) .. there must be some impetus to act .. especially in the context of the story that Uru is .. otherwise .. it's just doing for the sake of doing .. and remains without substance. Ah well .. we're getting there I suppose .. slowly but surely .. but tying the ages into the storyline is KEY for myself .. and EVERY person I've discussed that with in the past few days .. and is really something that NEEDS working on to integrate it all into a cohesive mystery worth solving. This was a grand learning experience for everyone .. this episode called "Scars" .. let's see what comes of it .. :)

I Am a Carpenters Daughter ..

2007-05-19T17:59:00.000-03:00

.... so is that why I got shingles ?? O_o

I kid you not .. I woke up a week ago Friday with a very sore right eyebrow .. thinking that I must have a sinus infection. By Saturday I had several welts of varying sizes over my eye and into my hair .. one .. above the right half of my eyebrow was HUGE with great red spots in it. I thought .. good God !! what kind of a bug leaves marks like that ?! I figured it must have been a bug bite of some sort as it itched like crazy .. and was red and swollen .. like a bad reaction to a bite. And hurt .. my goodness .. shooting pains that make a person cringe.

By Monday .. things not looking any better .. I called my naturopath and as soon as I described it .. she told me to get to my other 'mainstream' doctor .. as she said it sounded like shingles and there was a new med .. that although she rarely encouraged the use of such things .. this worked very well at reducing the severity and length of the ailment.

Great .. I haven't seen a 'regular' doctor in years !! I hope they still recognize me .. O_o

He did .. and confirmed that 'yup .. sure is what you have' .. and prescribed the meds for me. By then I hadn't been feeling very well for a couple of days .. the pain was in stabbing waves .. the itch insistent .. I had swollen glands along the right side of my face near my ear and into my jaw .. and .. for some reason .. my eyelids had begun swelling with fluid and I could hardly see out of my right eye. I was VERY concerned as the face .. around the eye .. is a very BAD spot for shingles ! He told me .. 10 - 14 days to get over the virus .. 3 - 6 MONTHS for the marks on my forehead to disappear .. and possibly nerve pains for up to a year after !! Um .. WHAT ?! .. O_O .. and this is WITH the med ?!?! O_o

It seems that shingles is a bit of left over virus .. from when we have chicken pox as kids .. that goes dormant in our spinal column .. the doc pointed to a spot behind his head on his neck .. that .. for reasons they don't fully understand .. becomes active along nerve paths .. hence the awful pains. My naturopath said I must be run down ... but I have been feeling fine before .. so .. who knows.

Regardless .. I've put in a miserable week .. and have a good week left. My welts have opened and I am now contagious .. NOT for shingles, mind you .. but for CHICKEN POX !! O_O

Good thing everyone in this house has had them already. O_o

** Update : May 23/07 .. feeling much better .. the swelling has .. thankfully .. left my eye in the past couple of days .. so I no longer have the urge to scream .. "I am NOT an ah-nee-maahl" every time I pass a mirror .. :D And .. aside from the occasional itchiness in the STILL reddened area .. some small pains .. and some weird godawful crawling/pressure sensation along my eyebrow .. I'm mostly better .. :)

As We Move Along

2007-04-10T19:52:00.000-03:00

Well .. it's been over a month since I last posted about Uru's progress .. so .. let's see where we are Uru-wise.

We have 2 new sparklie thingy's added to the sun/moon symbol on our small relto island. One for March and now one for April.

We have 3 .. yes that's right 3!! new visitable pods that are located in various regions of the same age .. with the potential for something really interesting .. I think .. I guess .. I suppose .. gosh I HOPE so. :D

They really are quite cool .. but so far I've seen none of the critters alleged to be in tropical Negilahn. I have seen the fishies swimming around outside the frigid Dereno .. and seen a HUGE duck-like bird stomping about in the desert outside of Payiferen.

A portal forms in the shape of a shimmering image at certain times in each pod .. relatively close to the other times .. that transports you to yet one more Bahro cave to collect yet one more "donut quarter" for over the new well structure on our Relto. Yet .. still .. with no reason or rhyme as to why we would even want to. People just sort of happened to be in the pods when the portals were opened .. and figured out the schedules for them. The portal images look VERY much like the sun/moon design on the stone on the island that the sparklies go on, too.

I really am hoping we get something resembling a backstory on these ages .. what were they for .. and why are we there .. what do they matter in the grand plan. Mostly we have a sorta, kinda' mystery that there have been dead animals found outside the pods. Sharper has returned and led an expedition to explore in that age. But .. really .. not much else has been done with any of it. Which is really disappointing.

The closest thing to a story is some ridiculous stuff with one of the NPC characters love of the ladies and spending time with various actual player females, in this characters relto and private ages. I say WHAT?!?! O_O

Certain female players have latched onto that stuff with both hands .. with the resultant IC forum catfight over this guy. Good grief .. IF I wanted to watch an adolescent soap opera .. I'd hover around my daughters friends more often. LOL

And .. something for consideration .. some of those "women" running around the cavern are teens or even kids .. and some of them .. driving those female avvies .. are MEN for crying out loud. Seems an ill thought out move to be doing that with a "sanctioned" story character. Unseemly and in poor taste are the words that come to mind regarding the behaviors. Not to mention that the blurring between the "IC" and "OOC" lines is so pervasive with so many of the "explorers" .. I don't know .. it just seems like an idea that could take a horrible wrong turn really fast.

Some people have left .. or are leaving .. or are just curtailing their incavern time to once a week or two .. which is pretty much what I've been doing .. and .. surprisingly .. some of them are long time members. It's just so disappointing that there is so little to engage us .. as previously we have come to expect and love with anything Myst-centric. I was looking forward to Uru Online .. SO much too !! :\

I have begun to think that they really needed at least another year to pull all of this together .. with a great big jump off with ages .. old and new .. especially new to keep those who have done Uru more times then they can remember something new to keep them going .. and a storyline that took off from the second you set foot in your relto.

I keep hoping it will come together .. but it seems .. I don't know 'ruined' somehow .. this fractured beginning .. with no discernible anything to hold it together .. get us moving through a story that captures the mind and keeps drawing you ever further into it. Mysteries .. ever finding new clues .. further drawing us onward .. in search of more .. finding more .. yet never quite getting the full picture .. an intricately woven tapestry of a story .. and something they are more then able to create.

I know they're capable of it .. it's what they've done for me since I first discovered Myst .. in any of it's chapters .. drawn me in .. making me spend long hours trying to figure it all out .. earning that next bit of story .. and keeping me looking for more. Uru has that .. it really does .. and you get it if you play the core game .. taking the Yeesha journeys. Somehow though .. it's gotten lost with the addition of the new stuff .. and the whole DRC thing .. there is potential there for a good co-story with the rest of it .. that is being neglected for want of what .. I've no idea.

I hope that they get it sorted soon .. I'm giving them a year since I joined .. so they have until the end of December to implement their fully fleshed out plan .. otherwise I'll move on .. supporting Uru is one thing .. and I'm happy to do it .. BLINDLY supporting Uru .. or ANYTHING .. is a whole 'nuther box o' crackers .. and I know better. :)

In The Meantime

2007-04-03T21:10:00.000-03:00

While waiting for Myst Online : Uru Live to get itself pulled together .. I've been keeping myself busy with other games. Besides "There Online" .. I've actually become an avid fan of Guild Wars .. but .. as stunningly beautiful as that game is and as much fun as I am having with MC and the GoG folks I know .. I NEED to keep my mind engaged in things that keep my grey matter working.

So .. I grabbed with both hands the latest installment of the Aura game .. The Sacred Rings. Gosh .. I really LOVE Aura .. I've played it a few times .. alone a few .. and also .. 'with' a friend .. he in his game .. me in mine .. and voice chatting while we explored 'together'. It was a lot of fun and a neat way to play the game. :)

I have been waiting for a year and a half for this second chapter of Aura. The release dates kept getting moved back .. and back .. and back .. till finally one that stuck. :D

I'm loving it too !! The game is beautiful in the same art style as the first .. lush plants .. and gorgeous environments .. buildings have an organic look and feel to them. Music that is beautiful whether it is an eerie graveyard or a spectacular vista. The Sacred Rings is everything I loved about Aura .. and everything I crave in an adventure game. :)

There is a story .. yes .. that's right .. an actual plot that has carried over from the first game .. yet stands on it own .. keeping me rooting for Umang in his quest. And the puzzles .. oh .. my .. gosh .. the puzzles !! It wasn't until the fifth battery that I figured out exactly what I was doing that made the whole thing work. :D

I am enjoying it so much .. all of it .. and taking my time with it as I want it to last. No spoilers for me .. no hints .. no walkthroughs or forums where spoilers are posted as a matter of course. It's just me puttin' my brain through it's paces on a treadmill of puzzles and clues. I'm even writing things down .. making notes and crude (in my case VERY crude .. O_o ) drawings of things I've seen that I feel will be important. And I'm enjoying every second of it !! :)

There is .. has always been for me .. this great satisfaction in figuring things out. Before I discovered there was such a thing as adventure/puzzle games with finding Myst III Exile .. I played word puzzles and logic problems .. not crosswords .. but things that make you work the brain cells .. and I was very good at them. Must just be the way my mind works. I love these sorts of games .. and thank God they're out there for me to find.

I've followed threads where others love Aura as much as I do. Or couldn't get into it .. those people usually being of the group that behaves as if ALL other adventure games shrivel when the light known as Myst is shone on them. Some folks are very protective of the pedestal that they've placed Myst upon. Seems a good way of dismissing any competition by labeling it as NOT Myst .. ergo .. NOT important. Well of course they aren't Myst .. nor should they be !! There is a good number of really good .. outright great .. adventure games that are .. thankfully .. NOT Myst.. that stand solidly on their own .. and I've played a lot of them too. :D

In my NOT so humble opinion on this .. Aura .. and it's sequel .. are darned fine adventure games .. keeping me busy .. drawing me along as the story unfolds .. and giving me that wonderful sense of "Ah-ha" .. when I "get" what's going on .. or an "I DID it !!" when I figure it out and get to see the cutscene reward for all my hard work. Like I said .. I'm REALLY LOVING it !! :D

Alright .. 'nuff o' this .. I'm headed back in .. Umang has a problem that needs my help. ;)

I Musta' Missed The 'Big Bang' O_o

2007-02-23T15:03:00.000-04:00

I was extremely excited about Uru going truly 'LIVE' on the 15th of this month - February.

I've never made any secret .. on any forum .. about how much I just love the entire 'history' of 'Myst' .. not only of Atrus and his family .. but of the entire D'ni world .. even into the 'pre-earth' era of Garternay .. which particularly catches my attention for some reason .. maybe because so little is known about it. It's engaging and intriguing and I've always wanted to learn .. to experience .. more of it. Not to mention the mystery .. to me anyway .. of where the rest of them are. I mean .. they existed in that cavern how many thousands of years .. and there was roughly 1 million of them in there? That makes NO sense when you measure that against the enormous population of Terahnee that grew to over 200 million .. in the same time span. It suggests that there could be many .. many more of the cavern D'ni out "there" someplace .. just waiting for us to stumble upon them. Groups who had been out of contact with the cavern people for so long they had forgotten it even existed .. or had left because they no longer wanted to live the simple unadorned life in a stone cavern .. or .. or .. or .. so many possibilities. I would love our ultimate mission .. our final act in our long and loyal friendship with Atrus .. to be to bring these "lost" groups together .. it'd just be kind of a cool thing to reunite the Ronay after so long. :)

We had already been told what to expect content-wise .. no new great and wonderful ages .. but the addition of a second, smaller age .. called Eder Tsogahl .. which is a beautiful 'sister' age to Delin. It contains the same puzzle as Delin .. and is the means to get the second 'half donut' that rotates above the well on our Relto island. So .. certainly .. no over inflated sense of expectation in that regard.

HOWEVER .. I WAS expecting the kick off of .. in some super cool .. grab your attention and hold onto it kind of way .. THE storyline. The very storyline .. as so intriguingly intimated by Yeesha .. in that very attention grabbing opening sequence that we get to see when we begin our journey. I still get chills when I hear that ominous turn in the opening !! :D

And other people had posted their belief that there would most likely be something super to kick off the 'new' Uru Live .. like the storyline and maybe even a t-shirt logo to commemorate the 'event' of the Live kickoff .. which would have been rather a nice touch. :) So .. I haven't been the only one with a sense of expectation that SOMETHING was going to happen on the official opening day.

There has been .. nothing .. nothing of note at all.

For all the fan hype .. for all the expectation .. for all the 'hints' of an 'arcing story' .. Myst Online : Uru Live .. has begun with the merest of whispers .. and a second tiny age .. much like the other.

Oh yes .. and we got a second 'sparklie' from Kadish .. but that was at the first of the month .. so .. doesn't really count.

We've been told to shape the story by our actions .. O_o

Right before Live kicked off .. there was a 'sit-in' to get back the DRC forums .. which had been killed (rightfully .. in my opinion .. for a number of reasons) by the IC character of 'Cate' .. when the new .. and very nice looking .. DRC site came back up. The sit-in was a 'mess' shall we say .. accomplishing nothing but irking the IC character. But .. the DRC forums DID go back up .. and .. considering that the 'trolls' who live under *that* bridge had migrated over to the MOUL forums .. and were raising the ruckus that only they are capable of .. I say 'Thank God, Cate' or whoever .. because one forum like that is MORE than enough. O_o

Then .. we get yet one more .. peaceful .. sit-in .. that elicited a 'visitation' of Yeesha in the hood .. greatly exciting those involved with that .. yet .. truthfully .. only being a reaction on Cyans part to, perhaps, illustrate their statements that 'we the people' can 'make' things happen ingame

Within a couple of days .. a few people started posting their feelings on the MOUL forum .. and .. as per the usual forum reactions .. got roundly dissed for daring to say .. 'hey .. what gives?'

Lots of good posts expressing confusion .. and disappointment .. in the underwhelming opening of Uru Live. And .. I'm right there with those opinions .. I just know better than to post on any of those forums .. :D

Someone I've known across the forums for a few years now .. Zardoz .. and God luv 'im, he's one of the funniest, most intelligent, level thinking, well 'written' people in the Uru fan arena .. made the best post on the DRC forums .. of ALL places .. summing up .. in a beautifully presented example of what we get .. as opposed to what people were expecting .. storywise .. with the opening of Live.

It is EXACTLY what I had been expecting .. not that actual story, of course .. but that KIND of story. One that grabbed my attention .. engaged my senses .. and my puzzle solving abilities .. made me WANT to be online to catch the buzz .. and work with it .. seeing it all unfold .. I'm STILL looking for that.

Instead .. we've been given 2 mini-ages .. and a couple of sparklies .. with absolutely NO reason for any of them .. nothing to connect them to what has been .. no whispers of what might be .. no new notebook found lying about in either of the new places .. or even entries in existing books .. little to anchor any of the new things ingame. Just 'here ya go' .. drop them and watch the feeding frenzy as lots of people log in for the first time in a week .. having found out about the new thing on a forum someplace .. hunt it down .. use it up .. and then go back to 'lurk' mode. I did that very thing when I read there was snow in Delin .. and so had just about every other person I ran into online that evening.

Which BEGS an answer to the question ....

What kind of 'gaming experience' is THAT anyway ?? O_o

Frankly .. being the 'cause' of some 'effect' .. isn't exactly what I had in mind when I read the words 'arcing storyline' .. O_o

It's been just over a week now .. and STILL nothing storyline at all. And my disappointment .. as well as an 'unease' .. has begun to grow.

Most of us are acting like my fish. They swim happily in their tank .. content to be in that space busily doing nothing .. but going NUTS for about 1 minute when some crumbs of fish food hit the water and disperse .. only to go back to happily swimming about doing 'nothing' once the food is gone. They have NO idea where it comes from .. or what it means .. they just devour the tiny tidbit and go back to quietly swimming about .. their entire lives spent doing nothing but react to food bits.

This is NOT what I expected Live to be .. this online 'fishbowl' that Uru Live seems to be .. I wanted riveting .. involving .. 'arcing' storyline. Something that made me go 'Whoaaa .. how intriguing .. and .. what's next .. ?? O_O

And I expected it to begin the first day Live flung it's arms open to us.

It's still early days yet .. I'm willing to give them some more time to pull this off. Goodness knows .. I've waited this long .. :)

In the mean time .. I'm off to play Guild Wars. I finally gave in and bought it .. after trying it out using one of my daughters buddy passes .. and .. though very light on the 'engaging puzzle' side .. it DOES have a pretty good story with it .. that at least gives you the feeling of being a part of what's happening. You DO get to play a 'hero' .. helping to defend and protect the various Tyrian people from great trials by forces bent on their enslavement or destruction .. traveling an extensive map area throughout the story. And .. killing beasties aside .. LOL :D .. I'm REALLY enjoying it .. who knew ?? O_o

Besides .. it beats doing nothing while I'm swimming in the fishbowl .. waiting for the next tidbit of food to fall in so that I can devour it .. ;)

Closure At Last :)

2007-02-05T16:32:00.000-04:00

I went onto D'mala last night .. sort of a final farewell walk in the city. Despite it all .. I have a special fondness for the shards. Thanks to the indulgence of my dear friends tolip ydob and Ashtar .. both of whom I just love so much .. I was given the special privilege of helping to set up Private Idaho and The Great Tree shards .. by 'playing' guinea pig for them. Designate .. bestowed upon me by tolip .. CGP.001 .. and CGP.002 respectively. CGP = Cierdwyn Guinea Pig .. LOL

As well as playing guinea pig when they set up their regular UU shards .. thanks to them .. I got to be one of the first non-techie types to be able to visit both the H'uru projects and then Alcugs .. when just making it past your avvie set up screen and seeing the desert was a HUGE accomplishment.

I figured a final walk through the city .. then my ages .. alone .. closing things down .. then finally my relto .. again to shut things down would be fitting. I couldn't bring myself to do this on Great Tree for some reason .. I wanted my full on relto to go down with GT I guess .. intact .. a piece of me always to be there. :)

You cannot imagine my shock when EricL showed up. O_O Yet surprised though I was .. no sick feeling .. no butterflies .. no nervousness of any sort. I really HAVE come a long way in the last 2 years. :)

Someone there asked him if he knew when the shards would be cut off.

Sitting hunched at the top of the great stairs .. he seemed .. sad .. almost morose .. yet in a bitter kind of way .. about the closing of Until Uru. Even expressing that his final act in ANY capacity in Uru .. would be to shut them all down as soon as he was given the word to do so .. and that it would be the releasing of a 'burden' that Uru had become for him. I sort of wondered what that meant in terms of him looking after the age builders project .. but refrained from asking. He said that he would then be going back to the job he had at Turner et al .. and he would be glad to be there.

I decided to offer him an olive branch .. maybe some peace for us both in the ugliness that had sprung between us .. fed through the words of another. So I told him that I wanted him to know that I was in a good space now .. better then I had ever been .. about all that had transpired .. and that I truly hoped that he might also know that one day himself.

He replied that he didn't think he could ever get to that point. That Uru brought him no joy .. and he was glad to be rid of it.

I suggested that perhaps once there was some space between him and Uru .. that he might find something that did bring him joy .. and through that some peace .. and that I hoped that one day we might run into each other in Uru Live and that we might have tea and pick up that chat we had once started about the movie "What The Bleep?!" that we were both interested in. That it'd be a conversation I would really like to finish with him. :)

What I got was .. 'I had better not say anything more'. Meaning him I guess.

Then .. he said publicly that he needed to 'get out of there' .. and go listen to some 'calming' music.

And he poofed.

I left shortly thereafter myself.

He once said to me .. seems like such a long time ago now .. that I should not worry about a hand being slapped away .. before I even offer it. And I guess that's what I did .. offer it .. fully realizing that he might just reject it rather then accept what was so sincerely offered. Sadly .. reject it he did.

So much for trying to mend fences and release us both from a bitter episode.

He has lived in a misery of his own making from numerous fronts for a long time now. His 'issue' with me was/is small potatoes to some of the other stuff that's gone on with .. and because of .. others. I hope in time he really DOES sort it all out and move into a happier space .. carrying that crap hurts no one but himself .. so .. I do still wish him the best of luck in his journey.

Immediately after I left .. I dismantled and uninstalled my Until Uru client .. I used a vnode_cache extractor that a'moaca' made to extract all of my KI pics and .txt files .. and deleted all that was left. My Until Uru experience is done .. and I move ahead into the future of Uru Live.

I thought about this a long while last night .. then slept well. I'm glad I offered what I did .. and recognize it as that last final step I needed to be completely free of all of that. It was a HUGE step for me to make .. and I am glad that I made it.

I move forward now .. knowing that I've truly moved past all of that .. and am a better person .. not for having experienced that awfulness .. but .. for having made it through it to a whole person again.

I'm ready to fully enjoy my Uru Live experience now .. bring it on :D

Turning A Page ..

2007-02-04T15:50:00.000-04:00

Cyan announced a few days back .. that they .. with GameTap .. have decided that not only D'mala shard .. which was expected .. but also ALL of Until Uru .. would be shut down on the 5th of February. Cyan has firmly declared the decision 'final'.

I was told last year .. by someone who's word I absolutely trust .. that Until Uru was a dead duck regardless of which way this went. If Uru Live flew .. then UU was gone as it had served it's purpose. If this attempt at resurrecting Live failed .. UU was still gone .. as Live was never going to happen .. so .. no 'until' existed. And it all seems a completely cut and dried way of handling it.

Unfortunately .. it has caused a HUGE uproar in the community .. and many are upset at losing the shards. A bunch are just leading the debate for the pure pleasure of being disruptive .. but others are legitimately and deeply grieving at it's loss.

I had a feeling something was coming when Tapestry was unexpectedly resurrected for a week .. I even said so to my friend tolip and my daughter MC. It's not always pleasant to be right.

I took the news of the temporary opening with a roll of my eyes .. and not that sick feeling I used to have at the mere mention of the place. So I'm pretty pleased I've put so much of THAT behind me. :)

For the entire Until Uru closing .. I've had almost a feeling of .. relief .. for some reason. I must have still had so many bad feelings from what's gone on associated with UU as a whole .. I'm guessing .. that seeing the back of it is like finally getting away from my in-laws .. the relief is totally freeing .. O_o .. LOL

And please .. these are only MY feelings as they relate to ME .. the result of some of MY UU experiences. This does NOT minimize in ANY WAY the painfully raw feelings of ANYONE ELSE in the community .. who's experiences were far better than mine !!

Truthfully .. I feel so badly for those who are losing their close connection to Uru .. those with shards who've worked so hard to 'make a home' for so many. Their sense of loss must be deeply felt and overwhelming. Just as some of my UU identity was wrapped up in a painful experience .. their UU identity is wrapped up in their far more pleasant experiences .. so the pain of their loss is something that must seem unbearable to them. :(

The arguments have all been made by many .. in a long and often overblown thread .. for and against the closing. For me .. in my very logical thinking .. we were initially only ever guaranteed 1 month .. that was it. We got 2 and a half years. It was also clearly stated .. that Until Uru was meant to keep the heartbeat of Uru alive .. until Uru could live again. Despite the flogging of the 'it is not our intention to take away what was given' statement made LAST YEAR .. when things were very different .. the Cyan 'Giant Gnarly Disclaimer' clearly stated .. at any time .. at their discretion .. they owned it .. they could pull it .. and they have.

Yet .. as many times as you say those things .. it seems to not even come close to recognizing the human hearts that have put so much into it .. and loved it so dearly.

It is true .. Uru no longer needs the 'life support' that Until Uru was .. it really HAS been reborn as Myst Online : Uru Live .. and that IS what we've ALL been dreaming .. and hoping .. and waiting for all this time. I just don't think that anyone ever really considered what that might mean .. that word Until .. and the giving up of so much .. for the gaining of something else so desperately wanted.

I'm hoping that EVERYONE is able to move on .. and that EVERYONE gets the opportunity to get into Live .. one way or the other .. there are some *cough* 'interesting' options being suggested. ;)

Good luck .. not only to Cyan .. but to all of us. :)

*waits impatiently for February 15th .. the OFFICIAL launch of MO : UL*

My Friend Tom

2007-01-27T22:27:00.000-04:00

I have a very dear friend .. his name is Tom Nowicki.

Now you might wonder why on earth I would post his name on a blog .. but it's perfectly fine. :)

You see .. he's an actor. And not just some fly-by-night one either .. he's actually been in some REALLY GOOD movies .. :)

Here are a couple of my favorite professional pictures of him. :)

And one of him that I cropped from a picture he sent me (I don't know that the other people in the pic want their faces splashed onto the internet O_O ) .. taken just after his roller-hockey team .. the Wolves .. had won their tournament. He was pretty happy about this .. btw. :D

He's been at this a long while now .. with guest spots on TV shows like 'Matlock', 'Walker Texas Ranger' and 'Dexter' .. and he starred in 'RollerJam' as the rather intense 'Kenneth Loge III' .. league commissioner hell bent to clean up the game and restore it to a 'former glory' .. that seemed to exist only in his mind. lololol :D

He performs .. as often as he can .. in plays in areas close to where he lives in Florida .. such as 'Proof' a couple of years ago .. in which he played the mathematician father, 'Robert' .. and .. more recently in 'A Number' .. in which he plays the father, 'Salter'.

He's been in dozens of movies, too. Along with the usual unnamed '5 (lines) or under' characters .. such as 'man with money' .. LOL .. that earlier careers are filled with .. he's also had some roles that had a bit more substance to them.

He played 'Lonnie Tombstone' in the movie 'The Punisher' (the picture on the IMDB site is of that character) .. 'Mr Rutherford' in the Disney movie 'Flash' .. and 'Coach Ed Henry' in 'Remember the Titans'.. to mention a few. Most recently he's starred in a horror film .. 'Hallows Point' .. as a resurrected serial killer .. O_O .. and in a beautiful film called 'Descansos'. He plays 'Ken' .. and is the fella' in the trailer with the longish blond/red hair. :)

I 'met' him nearly 10 years ago now .. writing a letter to him .. partly on behalf of a friend of mine with a fan website for the old sci-fi show 'Swamp Thing' .. in which Tom had guested in several episodes .. but also to tell him how much I enjoyed his work too. He had guested in 5 episodes of the one season series 'The Cape' as a Russian astronaut 'Andrei Mikoyan'. It was a good role and he played it very well .. in my somewhat biased opinion. ;)

We have become very good friends .. and have been writing ever since. And I mean 'writing' as in actual paper correspondence .. as he is a self professed 'technophobe' .. and doesn't even own a computer. Something about a strange inversion of the medusa effect .. turning him instantly to stone .. if he so much as glances sidelong at one .. O_o

He is also a dog lover and is a good 'daddy' to Shea .. the dog of his heart and the pup of his dreams. On top of acting .. he also has a clinic set up .. using hydrotherapy to help ailing and injured doggies recover .. or at the very least improve the quality of their lives. It is called 'Hip Dog' .. and it is a wonderful thing that he and his associates are doing to help animals recover and lead happier, more pain free, lives.

What had prompted me to write this here .. is that I recently got a great letter from him .. one that is in his usual funny, intelligent style .. and .. seeing as he's my friend .. I figured I would give him a good mention in this space of mine. He's a very nice person .. a gifted actor .. and he deserves the attention. :)

I've been thinking of starting a blog just for and about him .. but for now .. until I decide .. I'll update here on what he's doing from time to time .. cuz .. he deserves it. :)

Of New Things ...

2007-01-23T18:25:00.000-04:00

We got that new age we've been promised for a while now. It's called Eder Delin .. sort of a perpetual twilight Eder Kemo .. and quite beautiful in it's own way.

It has a new, intriguing puzzle that I've been working at .. ooooohhhhhh .. I DO love my puzzles. :D

I've got the symbols sorted out .. which goes with what cloth .. but .. I've been disappointed to discover that it's NOT designed to do on my own .. leaving me robbed of getting that rush that only comes with getting the reward for figuring the puzzles out .. and earning that successful payoff. :(

Seems that a lot of others are disappointed too .. and I don't blame them. It's not that I don't mind working with others .. it's fun too .. in it's way .. but just not the same feeling of satisfaction I get from doing it ALL myself.

I spent a LONG time the first night .. with my Greeter friends .. helping to try to get the timing down for this thing .. what a royal pain .. btw. Me'thinks a few tweaks might be in order .. with dealing with the BUGS at the top of the list here. O_o We never got it .. at least not while I was there .. and we all worked hard and seemed a couple of the others were quite discouraged by it all.

The next night I joined them again .. determined to make it through the door .. and .. after a couple of more hours .. we made it !! A group of us made a beeline through .. before it slid back up and shut .. and got the 'donut half' as our reward .. O_o .. LOLOL

I went right back to that Delin and stuck around in case a few didn't make it .. which a couple didn't .. so we completed the puzzle a couple of more times and got a couple of other small groups through the door. Myself, I don't know about this .. I can see it being a HUGE problem getting a group together in a month or so .. maybe sooner even .. and lots of people NOT being able to do this puzzle. I really HOPE they make it doable by a single person. I LIKE doing my puzzles myself. Take that gear/power puzzle in Gahreesen for example .. sure .. it's a LOT faster and easier with someone standing on that pressure grid .. but .. it is still doable by timing your moves on and off of that same spot. I was elated .. when that quick pan up to watch the gears engage occurred .. after all my careful trips back and forth !! And even in Teledahn .. so easy to do that bucket ride with someone else there to flip the lever AFTER you climb in .. but still .. quite doable by yourself. :)

I've watched others getting trounced by those who like it 'their' way ingame .. screaming their defenses of the group way. But .. to be fair to everyone .. it shouldn't be an issue for this puzzle to be played either way. Those who like the group aspect .. I say 'have at it .. and have fun .. in *your* way' .. all I ask is that you say the same to those who would like to have a shot at it on their own. :)

We're all (mostly) grown ups here .. sure would be nice if we could all act that way .. and be supportive of each other here .. in this game we all love so much. It is the one thing that keeps me out of those forums .. except for a rare posting .. too many people far too happy to beat on anyone who has an opposing opinion. Now THAT 'fix' is one that is badly needed .. and one I'm behind 100 %. Because I'd like to see us ALL enjoying Uru .. the game AND the forums. I used to have a blast on the Ubi forums .. so many nice people .. all helpful and fun. It'd be nice to see that flourish in the Cyan forums now too. Here's hoping .. :)

About Those Petty Fissure Gods ..... O_o

2007-01-18T16:48:00.000-04:00

You know .. I had the neatest thing happen last night .. :D

Every time I go into my Uru Live game .. as if performing some twisted avvie sacrifice .. I toss my avatar into the crevice in the middle of my relto island .. always with the dim hope that THIS time those petty fissure gods might be sleeping and let me make it to the desert. And always with the same result .. I take the 'long' way to my relto hut .. with this time being no different than usual.

I was on to check out a new 'sizzling shiny' thing they gave us .. that was to be found in Gahreesen. I went there and after investigating the arrival buildings hallways .. and finding nothing there .. realized that .. "Oh great .. I'll have to borrow someone elses Gahreesen to even GET to the main building". *cries* .. I've had 'issues' with my Gahreesen. But .. even beyond the gear/power room .. which I've had friends get going for me .. and who seem to have NO problems in my Gahreesen - btw .. my avvie has not been able to land on the (supposedly) solid pinnacle with the journey cloth on it .. falling through and panic linking out EVERY time I try it. That jump happens to be the ONLY route to make it to the main building. I decided .. that since I was already there .. ONE try wouldn't hurt .. as I'd have to leave to my relto anyway before I could make a visit to the Guild of Greeters hood .. asking one of my friends there to let me 'borrow' their Gahreesen for a bit. As I seem to have NO problems with others Gahreesen ages. O_o

I rode the elevator up .. enjoyed that moment of the beauty of Gahreesen that always hits me when I arrive up top .. then out to the end of the rotating ramp .. waiting for it to reach the rock .. jumped .. fully expecting to fall on through it .. as per usual .. and promptly landed solidly on it !! Oh .. she was ankle deep mind you .. but she was ON THE ROCK !!!! :D /dance I IMMEDIATELY touched the cloth there .. the easier to return when I needed to .. made the next jump to the other rotating platform and was on my way into the building .. found what I was looking for .. and linked back to my relto to have a peek. /cheer .. :D

After investigating the 'new and pretty' thing that the powers that be gave us .. I crashed out of the game. I relogged back in .. headed my avvie back for her 'long way' trip to her relto hut .. and threw her back into the fissure .. again .. as per usual. So .. it is with no small amount of SHOCK .. that .. after weeks of some pretty serious avvie abuse .. I wound up IN THE DESERT .. like I'm supposed to !! O_O

Well .. not quite .. AT FIRST .. I wound up back in my relto hut .. same as usual .. but .. THIS time .. AFTER arriving in the hut .. the screen suddenly faded to black .. and I started linking again. I figured it was the rare re-linking to the same place as happens from time to time. (I did mention this is Beta .. right ?? :D ) But I didn't link back to my relto hut .. I landed in the desert .. O_O .. and I FINISHED MY GAME !!!!! :D /moredancing .. /morecheering .. :D

I still can't believe it. O_o

I had reposted a help ticket .. in the hopes that there might be something they could do .. offer me hope that a fix was imminent .. but .. got the reply .. 'sorry you're getting discouraged .. we are working on it .. thanks for your patience' .. ticket closed. But even IF they sneaked a bit of help my way for the relto fissure .. that wouldn't explain how or why I made it to that rock pinnacle that I always fall through .. and I've been regularly trying that jump every time I go on too.

I've had some well-meaning friends 'suggest' it was my satellite connection .. but that night .. I was voice chatting with a friend on Yahoo (a resource hog like you cannot imagine !!) .. and had a bit torrent dribbling in in the background .. it was snowing and blowing with intermittent freezing rain .. AND my daughter was on her computer .. sharing the same signal .. with several bit torrents downloading .. while surfing and downloading a bunch of items for her Sims from various places on the web .. AND playing games on Pogo !! (Quite the multi-tasker that girl o' mine. LOL) There was NO WAY I seriously thought I'd make any of that with the signal eaten up by so many things .. IF indeed it even had ANYTHING to do with my satellite. Which I now do NOT believe it did.

I'm thinking that that shiny sparkly thing that now lives on one of my relto islands must have caught the eye of those petty fissure gods .. and while their attention was distracted from that pit .. I was able to make good my escape into the desert. It's the only thing that makes sense .. so I'll take it .. :D

I am now officially done my ages .. and am ready for the new garden age that we should be seeing soon. lol

At Last .. :D

2007-01-12T15:31:00.000-04:00

You know .. I sorta' forgot about this .. shows how devoted I'll be to posting the inner workings of my mind for all the world to see. LOL

So .. let's play a little catch up here. :)

We had a great Christmas. I got some beautiful gifts .. from people who know what I love the most. My daughter went to my favorite antique china shop and got me a half a dozen beautiful pieces that shows that she knows her mama well. She has a good eye for the 'shiny' things that I love .. got me a crystal vase last year that is just the most beautiful thing .. and .. for a little special added touch .. filled it with gold wrapped expensive chocolates !! Only drawback is .. NOW .. I'll be needing a new china cabinet to display them in .. as the 2 buffet hutches that I have are now full to capacity .. LOL :D My best friend also gave me a miniature porcelain china tea set .. that sits on a matching porcelain tray .. just exquisite .. and also now needing a permanent home for display.

My favorite gift, though, was the loveliest set of earrings with matching necklace .. square cut rainbow topaz and set in gold .. VERY nice .. :D .. Also from someone who knows me well. :)

We also decided to have a go at satellite internet. Chose the second company that made it available in the area and had it installed right before Christmas. O_O .. oh WOW .. my first download with speeds over 200 kB/s ... I nearly fainted .. when it slid dangerously close to 300 kB/s .. I nearly wet myself .. lololol Pretty cool if .. prior to that .. you got excited when the speed strayed occasionally up over 3.0 kB/s . :D

Armed with this .. I decided to give GameTap a shot. HA .. I say 'decided' like I mulled it over for a week or something .. I was signed up 10 minutes after buddy the installer left the yard !! GameTap had no issue with my satellite broadband and was happy to accept my money. I downloaded and installed their client .. then .. downloaded and installed the Uru Live Beta client as well .. with not so much as a hiccup. And then .. I was IN !! :D .. Even got to be there as 'Cierdwyn' .. I had been a teensy bit worried that someone .. amongst the fast growing crowd .. might have snagged my name .. but they did not .. so I was a happy camper. MC also got signed up .. I set up a separate sub account for her .. and we've been in and out a bunch of times since then.

I even managed to get myself a super tricked out hood too .. without even trying .. :D I've got the clock .. the lanterns around the clock area .. and in the light garden .. a bunch of mushrooms in the light garden .. and the 'bud' shaped lights in my hood .. pretty nice !! :D And it will NOT let me make it public .. lolol .. oh .. well .. /shrug

There are a few new things .. but mostly it's the same old game I've done more times than I can remember. I used to joke that I'd run the cleft so many times that I was going to start wearing a blindfold just to make it challenging again .. but I would have missed a little new thing if I'd done that this time .. ;) It's even buggier then I remember too .. with me being unable to complete Gahreesen on my own .. some bug some people get that blocks them from accessing the gear room through the rotating crack .. NOT related to satellite broadband .. so they told me .. but you CAN work around it with the help of those with stable Gahreesens.

Unfortunately, I wound up with the relto fissure bug too at the end .. which has brought my game to a dead stop. I ticketed it all .. and was told they are ALL known bugs in their bug database .. and that they are 'working' on them. After nearly 2 weeks of fruitlessly pitching my avvie in the fissure .. only to have her wind up standing in her relto hut .. I even got ahold of an ingame ResEng .. who .. though VERY nice .. told me there was really nothing he could do .. but that they WERE working on the relto fix ASAP .. as even HE had the relto fissure too .. lolol So .. for now .. I just wait .. fingers crossed .. that they get a working fix for this .. or .. keep tossing the avvie in the hole .. with the hope that I catch the petty fissure gods asleep .. and I wind up in the desert where I have an appointment for tea with Yeesha. :D

There IS supposed to be a new mini age .. a garden age similar to Eder Kemo .. being released soon .. so that will be especially nice for those of us who have been around here for the past several years .. and I'm really looking forward to it. You know .. it's nice being back in Uru .. one that's alive with so many .. and .. even nicer to be running into friends from Until Uru .. and getting snippets of the storyline that is supposed to accompany it all. I hope to even be online when some of it's happening too .. :D

Myst Online: Uru Live KI # 475530 - Cierdwyn

I'm Finally Ready To Fly ... :)

2006-10-08T23:04:00.000-03:00

Ready To Fly

I've been trying to open the door
To the secret of my destiny
And every new road I think is the one
Seems to lead right back to me

I've looked for a way to be wiser
A way to be strong
Now I see the answer was hiding
In me all along

Chorus:
And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

Restless, hopeless, and misunderstood
Like so many others I know
So busy tryin' to keep holdin' on
When I should've been letting go

I was given the gift to find it
The spirit inside me
But I never really imagined
All I could be

Chorus:
And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

The answer to all of my wonder
Was right in my hands
Now it's time for me to discover
All that I am

Chorus:
And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

I've always had wings
Now I'm finally ready to fly

By Richard Marx
My Own Best Enemy

Sometimes It's Just Time To Let Go ...

2006-10-01T23:18:00.000-03:00

Things change all the time .. my problem, I suppose, is in recognizing that sometimes the changes that happen "to" or "for" others .. don't necessarily include me and I'm left with the sense of being left behind.

I had accepted that the new Uru Live would be proceeding without me .. and I had come to a good space with that .. there are just some things that you can do nothing about and ripping out hair and wailing the blues isn't going to change that.

Besides .. I have my friends from Uru and what could be better than that? Those friendships are not dependent on Uru's existance. They may have come about by having been involved with Until Uru .. but .. they have grown and flourished because of that indefinable "whatever-it-is" that happens between people that goes beyond what draws them together .. and keeps them together.

Lately though .. I have been struggling with the reality of what the Uru Beta has revealed. That these people that I've come to care so much about have moved into Uru Live .. neatly disguised as Beta .. into a place that I cannot even hope to go. :(

As more and more of the people I know have gotten into Beta .. I've seen less and less of them .. in There .. on D'mala .. and .. in my daughters case .. in Guild Wars. It has been an awakening to a reality that I had not entertained.

Leaving me with the awful sense of being left behind .. and losing those contacts.

I tried to explain this to a friend of mine .. (who IS in Beta, but would throw himself on a sword rather than even hint of it) of that horrible .. frustrating .. hopeless .. feeling of running along a chasm .. hoping for a spot to cross .. only to find it getting ever wider .. the other side getting farther and farther away. I don't think he got it .. as he did something a few days later .. something I would never have expected of him .. and .. breaking my faith in him like I would never have thought possible. Something .. that even though I have said I would look beyond it .. and I HAVE been trying to .. has changed things in my heart .. in ways I don't know how to fix. The final blow to my already shattered sense of being able to make good choices within online environments. Trust is such a funny thing .. it can be so fiercely strong .. yet .. is also so fragile. :(

I wish someone would tell me what there is about being in Beta that makes it totally acceptable for perfectly wonderful people to lie to others about it. I respect that people can't talk about Beta .. I've played guinea pig on shards enough to have a pretty good idea of what it entails .. so haven't been all that curious as to what's going on in it .. but .. it seems to me that anything that requires you to be deceitful .. and outright lie .. especially when the truth is so easy to see .. well .. I don't think I fit in with it anyway.

My best friend has said to me .. more than once .. that she would trust MY opinions on things .. way before she would anyone else's .. because she KNEW that I would have gathered every bit of data I could .. really thought carefully about it .. and formed my opinion .. or made a decision .. from that.

So .. after checking the forums .. and confirming to my own satisfaction who all is in Beta/Uru Live .. and after spending days upon days .. of hours alone in There or on D'mala .. I've decided it's time to wean myself away from all things Uru. The ship may be sailing without me .. but I don't have to continue to stand on the dock helplessly watching it leave with everyone I've come to care about.

I spent some time uninstalling/deleting all of my Uru clients .. and freed up nearly 10Gigs on my harddrive in the process O_O !! Gone are my H'uru client .. my Alcugs TpotS client .. my regular Until Uru and my offline game on which I had been installing the Age Builders ages. All that is left is my D'mala client .. and that is only still there because I had promised to help for the latest D'olympics/D'ni Games .. once they are completed the D'mala client goes too. Gone too .. are nearly all of my Uru/Myst forums and website links.

Also .. I've been staying away from There .. seems pointless to keep investing money in something (and boy have I been investing money in that game O_O ) when I'll be the only one there. Oh .. I'll still check into There from time to time .. and I'll be happy to spend time celebrating peoples birthdays with them. I had the best time online, in a couple of months, at my friend Kooky's birthday a week and a half ago. Nearly everyone was there and it was a great afternoon-into-evening of goofing off and having fun. :D

The thing is .. I love my friends dearly .. and I miss my friends .. I miss them all .. I miss them a lot .. and I've been feeling a bit sad and blue about it all. But I also recognize .. despite another good friends assertion to keep hopeful as he "knows" that the satellite issues are being worked on .. that it's time to let go of Uru completely. Hopefully I'll still be able to keep contact to these people I care so much for .. I guess I'll see.

Sometimes .. it's just time to let go .. in order to move forward .. :)

A Depth So Low ..

2006-08-16T01:47:00.000-03:00

We have had in incident .. a strange and awful incident .. within the Uru community. Someone who has been here an awfully long time .. goes by the name of Starfyre .. decided to remove themselves from the community by creating a horrific death for themselves as well as a 'sister' .. leaving motherless a set of baby twins in the care of a bereaved husband and father .. and it was all posted as a realtime event. Offers of financial help were made .. plans for memorial services .. and immortalization inworld of some sort .. and the adopting of candles with "Starfyre" carved in them to be used as forum avvies as a show of mourning. Then to find out it was ALL just a farce .. because they wanted to leave ?!?!

This was a terrible TERRIBLE thing to do !!

To me THIS is unforgiveable .. to put people through such torment. If you feel that seems harsh .. let me tell you a little story ...

When my youngest daughter was 10 years old .. she was riding her bicycle along the highway near our home. She was hit by a careless driver doing 100 km/h. Her bike was crushed under the car .. while she was dragged over the top of the car .. and as it swerved with her on the hood .. she was flung to the other side of the road where she hit .. skidded .. and then rolled to a stop on the shoulder.

The driver left the scene .. and it as always been believed .. but never proven .. that they left in order to drop off the actual driver .. before someone else .. perhaps a passenger .. returned.

I watched as paramedics worked on her .. then stood by her as they loaded her into the ambulance .. her shoe propped up against her crumpled bike on the highway .. her glasses in bits in my hand. I calmed her as they worked on her on the way to the hospital .. I stood near her and spoke calmingly as they put her .. backboard .. neckbrace .. and her .. into the MRI machine .. then took the hit that they feared she had ruptured an artery near her heart.

The STARS team arrived .. and my baby was being bagged to breathe as she was loaded into an emergency helicopter to be taken away .. a ride I was not able to take with her as they had sent a full team.

I will never forget .. standing in the clear twilight .. watching them load and secure her .. the paramedic hunched over her .. squeezing that bag into her lungs. Then .. the helicopter lifting away .. getting ever smaller in that darkness. I could not take my eyes from it .. watching until it was gone from my sight .. as if somehow seeing that ever shrinking light kept me connected to her. I had a 2 hour drive then to the IWK in Halifax. 2 long hours .. to wonder .. and dread the news that might greet me when I arrived.

As soon as I arrived I was hustled to the ICU .. to be greeted by a sight of her I will NEVER forget .. tubes everywhere .. a machine breathing for her .. and her lying there .. so utterly broken .. her face so bruised and swollen I didn't recognize her .. and .. my God .. she was so, so very .. still. She suffered from a fractured skull .. had blood clots on her brain .. a fractured orbital socket and the lateral bone that the brain rests on was fractured .. a broken nose .. a broken collar bone .. a broken back .. a broken ankle .. and she had skidded so hard along the pavement that the flesh had been peeled from her back and down her left leg. And, btw, those head injuries were what she sustained WITH a helmet on !! She is still partially blind in her left eye to this day, too.

I only left her side when I HAD to .. and for the shortest of times. Always I wanted to be there for her .. a palpable familiar, safe, force .. talking to her .. touching her .. always wanting her to know that I was there .. that I loved her .. that I was waiting for her to open her eyes .. and come back to me. I was determined that she would NOT open her eyes and find that she was alone.

And finally .. after a couple of days .. they removed the breathing tube .. and she breathed on her own. I held her hand close to my face .. keeping that small hand wrapped so gently around her favorite tiny toy kitten .. and suddenly .. slowly .. she brought her fingers back .. and ever so slightly she touched my cheek .. and whispered "My Mommy ... " .. and my world got made whole again.

As you can see .. I have something in the way of experience with such a horrific event .. I KNOW what this sort of thing can do .. can feel like .. can take out of you .. and I have not felt this so deeply in a very long while.

NOW .. I would NEVER want anyone to go through that .. NOT ANYONE .. and I want something understood here .. I got to relive a bit of that special little hell all over again .. wondering how that "poor husband" must have been coping .. sitting by that hospital bed .. knowing he had tiny children at home .. my God !!

If Starfyre .. or whoever they really are .. had wanted to leave the community .. why not just go .. say their good byes .. mean it and move on ?? Why put good and caring people through this terrible, painful ordeal ?? I cannot imagine what other personal pains were also relived by so many others .. and then to find it was all for some stupid, selfish ploy .. because someone wanted to leave ?!?!

I am rarely this angry or unforgiving .. but .. in returning the same respect, care and concern that you have shown all of us .. I say this .. Starfyre .. as far as I'm concerned .. I don't care who the Hell you are .. how DARE you do this to so many good people .. then .. make a few justifying excuses .. NOT apologies by any means .. and start posting in your forum as if you have done NOTHING. Do the decent thing finally .. and just leave .. and don't EVER come back !!

Has It Been One Month Already??

2006-08-09T20:37:00.000-03:00

Hmmm .. well I never said I was going to be good at this .. :D

I posted recently on the Uru Live forum that I've never been one to take "no" for an answer until I was absolutely sure that I had to .. well .. I'm to the point where I've accepted that I "have" to. Taking into account what I've read about the service that GameTap seems able to offer anyone outside a rather narrow range of "broadband" .. I would say that I .. and a great many others .. will be excluded from playing Uru Live. I have tried all that is available to me .. there is nothing more I can do .. :(

There are a LOT of us that fall under the "international" players group .. and GameTap as it is currently set up does not cater to those of us outside of the US .. though that is supposed to be remedied at some point along the way. My feeling is that one of the things that surprised them with the survey they had us take was that a good number of fans actually live outside the US market.

Then we get to add these items into the equation.

First off .. NO support of ANY kind for dialup .. which currently is my .. and a lot of others .. only online option.

Second .. there is NO support for satellite broadband .. something that a LOT of people are unaware of .. and a few people (including myself) have been looking into. It will be the ONLY broadband available to me where I live .. being offered in the near future.

Third .. there is iffy to no support for people who's broadband falls below their recommended range .. someone posted that as 384K. Apparently .. much below that speed and their systems don't register the connection as active .. or something like that.

I look at the problems that more then a handful have run into in discovering these things .. and I have to wonder at the enthusiasm that is fostered among the fans. A page has been created for those "international" fans who want to sign up .. but who cannot yet .. in order to let it be known that they are interested. Yet .. with no real way to know if they even will be able to access it .. given the "issues" that so many have that exclude them from participating.

Someone posted that it gives the accountants numbers to look at .. but when it comes time and so many find out that they cannot play .. numbers may not reflect the amount of those who signed up. I would imagine too .. that many will be terribly disappointed when they get down to the wire and find out they are excluded. I agree with another poster who said it makes something of a mockery of the international sign up list that so many are so enthusiastically signing .. when GameTap seems unable to provide anything but a service to a very specific "broadband" audience.

I've followed the Myst series for so long .. played all the games .. gotten several versions of them even .. read all the books .. even have some great collectable items too. I've loved the unfolding story of this family line and to have even more coming .. and to be denied participating .. is SO frustrating !!

I've done everything I can to "find a way .. " .. but I accept now .. that unless some miracle happens .. I can't even begin to think of .. whereby the petty broadband gods decide to extent their broadband hand in my general direction .. and bestow upon me non-satellite-above-384k broadband .. that I will never see the inside of Uru Live.

So for me anyway .. it seems that with Myst V .. the ending truly has been written.

My Other Online Life

2006-07-05T19:08:00.000-03:00

Last year, while searching for an alternative to .. an escape from, I guess .. the ugliness that Until Uru had become, I tried out a handful of other online games. I wasn't too impressed. O_o

One that I did like the look of .. it has a great inworld demo video that shows a little bit of the fun things that you can do .. is "There Online". PLUS .. It's VERY dialup friendly !!

I even downloaded the installer .. then left it languishing on my desktop for the next 6 months. LOL

Around last Christmas, my daughter had become so thoroughly discouraged with UU .. and I have to give her credit, she hung in there like a trooper a lot longer than I could :) .. that I decided "what the heck..." installed the thing .. updated it and left her to give it a shot.

She loved it!!! /dance :D

She got to play in a sunny, tropical paradise online .. meeting some great people. Not in a dark, depressing cavern, overrun with some less then honorable people. It was SO great to see her having a really GOOD time online again !!

I watched her for a month or so .. really having a load of fun .. exploring so many things, riding buggies and hoverboards and flying in her saucer ;) .. meeting so many new people .. including a group of Uru people who had also found their way "There".

It looked like it was so much fun .. so .. after attending a Ladies Garden Club meeting .. where a group of the ladies encouraged me to join them in "There" .. I finally decided to try it myself. One evening alone .. I created my account .. even got to be "Cierdwyn" in "There". :D

I went to the spa .. got the look I was going for .. LOL .. shopped for a bunch of new things .. got to be properly outfitted for that sort of thing you know .. :D .. then left, having not seen anyone that I knew. I didn't even tell my daughter for about a week that I had joined .. but finally did because we could both go on together.

We went on .. meeting up with the ladies of Uru, who have gathered together in "There" .. I had the most fun online that I've ever had !! They gave me a quick ingame tour and a visit to a few of the many fun places there are .. and .. a taste of the many fun things there are to do. My avvie was unceremoniously sacrificed .. O_O .. something that made me laugh so hard I was in tears !! Thanks to them .. I was shown that online CAN be fun .. it doesn't have to be the dark and depressing experience that UU had become.

Some people in Uru .. that I've discussed the game with .. have dismissed the graphics as "too cartoony" for them .. leaving me with the residual feeling that I am being viewed as a traitor to even consider playing anywhere else but in Uru. O_o

Seems a bit uppity to dismiss something based only on the look .. having never given it a fair shot .. but .. it's their loss .. because there's SO much to do and see .. we ALWAYS have such a great time !! "Cartoony" look be damned .. it's a VERY fun, cool online experience !! :D

Since then I have been on when I can be .. still got that skittish thing about online to a degree I think .. not fully trusting myself .. but it's passing .. thanks to the ladies .. along with a few Uru fella's that have also taken up residence there. :)

The ladies of Uru .. there aren't enough nice words to say about them. There's something so special about them .. you can see that a bonding has occurred within this group. They are caring and considerate .. supportive of each others online endeavors .. protective of each other too.

To a one .. I love them dearly .. for their kindness, compassion and support .. and oh by golly their senses of humor and fun !! :D From taking us in and giving us a home in "There" .. to just being there to chat with and do fun things with. My growing friendships with them are the best things that came out of Uru. :)

I consider myself blessed to be counted among them .. there isn't much I wouldn't do for any of them, if asked.

From being welcomed into the Uru Sorority .. to the Sorority Yacht Club .. to being included in groups .. to the beautifully tended new neighborhoods of Shorah B'shemtee .. where I actually have a little lot of my own and MC has her PAZ set up .. the ladies of Uru have pulled us into their little group and given us a place.

I cannot thank them all enough !! :)

Now THAT'S the meaning of an online community :D .

Something New :)

2006-06-30T20:50:00.000-03:00

About 3 years ago I went to an holistic health show in my area. Aside from some of the more 'unusual' (LOL) things there .. there was a booth set up to inform about the use of thermography as a diagnostic tool for a number of things. What I was most interested in was it's use IN PLACE OF mammography.

I am NOT too keen on repeatedly irradiating myself .. all in the name of my own good. O_o

So, after having found someone in the region who does it .. there are only 2 that I could find .. in the fashion most cited as the most effective .. suffering through a 6 month wait .. I finally had it done.

It was an amazing little process. Totally painless, as they don't even touch you with the infared camera and really quite the thing to see the images afterward. I asked him quite a few questions .. he was surprised at what I knew and the interest that I had .. and he was happy to explain .. in quite some detail .. what the process was capable of finding and how.

For a breast scan, you start out sitting in a fetching little gown .. arms akimbo .. getting cooled to room temperature by a little fan .. for around 10 minutes-ish. Then, they have you stand arms up .. back to the camera .. as they get data from imaging that area as well. Then to the front .. for several pics of each of the "ladies" from several different angles. :D

During the first session, I cracked him up by asking him "you're not going to splash these pics all over the internet now .. are you?" O_O He nearly dropped the camera he laughed so hard .. may as well make things fun .. standing there with "things" hanging out .. ;) I can't help myself sometimes .. you know?? :D

Now .. for the fun part .. he had me sit for 60 seconds with each hand in ice filled water .. O_O .. seems it causes a cooling of the area of interest, and actually shows changes that would indicate abnormal tissue changes and blood vessel activity in the breast. You can see the changes in temperature in the pics too !! Even though things didn't seem to feel any colder. O_o

He probably spent more time with me then he might normally have .. as we chatted a bit about it all .. but the entire thing wouldn't have taken a half an hour to complete. The report will be coming to me and to my naturopath. I would have loved to send one to my family doctor .. I don't know how receptive he might be .. although, he now has a son-in-law who is a naturopath and seems to have a new understanding of what it's all about .. so you never know. :)

From what I've read .. and now observed .. I am confident with the process. So much so, that I believe I will continue with it regularly and forego the mammograms .. the most recent of which I had done in April of this year. They are NOT the gold standard some would have you believe .. because they miss a lot .. false positives are NOT uncommon .. then add in the risks of repeatedly being exposed to radiation. Unfortunately it's been pretty nearly all we've been offered for all these years .. largely because it's CHEAP. Utrasound .. which is much more effective .. and non-risky .. is not offered (at least anywhere in MY region of Canada .. I ASKED !!) because of the higher costs to do it .. which I just don't get at all. IF it does a better job .. isn't the cost worth it in what it helps .. with things like early, accurate detection ??

The only issue with Thermograpy is the cost .. that little session cost me $200Cdn .. worth every penny to me, by the way .. but .. I can see that it would be a deterrant to others. I do think that in time .. as it proves itself to be an accurate tool .. it's viability will be recognized .. and .. I genuinely hope that it becomes covered under all insurances.

To me .. and this is just MY own feeling on it .. anything that helps any of us stay in charge of our health .. in the least damaging way possible .. has got to be a pretty good idea. :)

Learnin' All The Time .. :D

2006-06-11T17:45:00.002-03:00

I've been making some discoveries about what causes me pain with my fibromyalgia. Since I've been working with that EFT program .. and experiencing my first virtually painfree days in nearly 20 years .. the flareups, since becoming fewer and farther between, are particularly noticable when they DO happen. Which has led me to do some research on what triggers my inflammatory responses.

I had learned about Arachidonic Acid (found in the fats in food - heck we even store it in our own bodily fats!) some time ago when I tried the 'Protein Power Diet' about 4 years ago. It worked well in that I lost weight for the first 6 months .. and .. it helped certain other issues like normalized my blood sugars AND my liver enzymes .. but .. things like my blood pressure showed NO improvement .. and inflammation continued .. even worse at times. It seems that the AA and another substance .. Linoleic Acid .. are converted into "bad" eicosanoids and is what causes the painful inflammatory response. Seems that many of the foods that I ate during that diet time .. contribute to just such an inflammatory response .. and .. not to leave out .. an immune system so depressed that I caught every sniffle .. and was ill a lot of the time for the next year .. with any flu or cold or ear infection or whatever was going around at the time .. culminating in a riproaring pneumonia that I was 6 months fully recovering from.

It seems that there are things in some of the foods I get .. I make most of what I eat myself, from scratch .. so know what NOT to put in them .. but .. those few things that I do get processed/packaged are where my troubles have been springing from .. adding in things I get when I eat in restaurants. Things such as salad dressings .. even the store-made whole wheat bread I've been buying !! Not to leave out such unprocessed foods such as coffee blend (which is just cream and milk, here in Canada) .. and farm fresh eggs !!

So that others might get some relief, if they've suffered as I have .. I provide this list of problem items .. who knows .. you might also have issues with any or all of these as well. :)

Soy .. in ANY form .. but particularly the varied bastardized forms dumped into so many processed foods.

Flax .. although high in lignans, which would normally reduce inflammation .. is also ridiculously high in LA .. and even tiny amounts, within a half an hour of ingestion, send me into crushing inflammatory reactions.

Alfalfa .. though good for many, contains high amounts of an amino acid, L-Canavanine .. that for me .. and many others with immunosuppressive systems .. in fact causes terrible inflammatory issues. So severe with some as to be Lupus-like !!

Canola oil .. quite possibly one of THE most caustic oils to the human body ever devised .. is in fact genetically modified rape-seed oil .. which was inedible due to it's caustic nature, and only used for industrial machines. It is extremely high in LA and, again, sends me over the top painwise within a half hour of eating anything with it in it.

Egg yolks .. absolutley LOADED with Arachidonic Acid!!!!!!!

Dairy items .. particularly high fat foodstuffs, such as coffee blend and any cheeses.

Nightshades .. potatoes (of which you cannot make a way that I do not like .. lol) .. tomatoes .. peppers of all kinds .. eggplant.<*1 Edit>

MSG - aka. MonoSodiumGlutamate .. though tolerated by some people .. gives me terrible painful inflammatory episodes .. I strictly avoid it !! <*2 Edit>

Aspartame .. also .. tolerated by many .. within a very short time of ingesting it I get the weirdest head/neck/shoulder pain/aching .. it's an awful sensation and I also strictly avoid anything with it in it !! <*2 Edit>

The last is VERY fatty meats .. especially red meats .. which come ready to eat with their own massive supplies of AA already in the fat stores.

Things that I have found to help .. :)

The biggest thing, of course .. eliminating .. or severely restricting .. those few food items/additives listed in the top section.

I now only get the very leanest of cuts of red meats .. with virtually NO noticable fat on them AT ALL. To offset any dryness add a bit of the oils, that I know are low in Linoleic Acid and HIGH in Alpha-Linolenic Acid .. ALA (which DOES help to reduce inflammation!), to them .. such as a tablespoon, or so, of almond or peanut oil while simmering extra lean ground beef. Not to leave out using braising .. cooking meats low and slow, in heavy covered glass dishes (I use Pyrex bakeware), in the oven. You know .. no higher then 275F .. with about a half an inch or so of water in the covered dish .. cooked until done, makes for VERY delicious, fork-tender meats, that I don't even miss the fats from.

I eat lean chicken .. a lot.

I eat fresh/frozen cold water fish .. such as haddock and salmon (but NOT farmed/organic salmon - the high amount of AA in them is shocking!!! .. must be what they feed them) .. several times a week ..

I eat canned, pink, Pacific wild salmon - 3 to 4 times a week .. the 7 oz cans with skin and bone in (I just pick the bone out lol ) .. as that has the highest amount of beneficial Omega 3 oils in them.

I snack on almonds .. a couple of ounces every day .. for the benefit of their Omega3's .. which DO help reduce inflammation. I can't go the salmon/fish oil capsules .. so this I do instead .. lol :D

I have now made a complete switch to olive or almond oils to make salad dressings with .. and ONLY use peanut oil or organic coconut oil for frying and cooking in.

I added PLAIN (too much crap in those "designer" products) cold processed whey powder to my diet and have at least one shake .. often 2 .. made with a cup of fruits of choice, EVERY day. I make myself these 1 cup mixtures of fresh and frozen fruits and store them in my freezer .. just dump one in the blender .. add the whey powder and up to a couple of cups of water .. and they're so good !! :D

I regularly drink a tea made out of juiced fresh gingerroot .. and it's pretty damned soothing with it's natural anti-inflammatory abilities .. :) <*2 Edit>

I take 6 pure wheat grass tablets 2 x/day, every day.

Some of this I had figured out over the past couple of years .. some in the past couple of months. As I learn more .. experiment more .. I'll post what I find out. Maybe even one or two things I discover will help someone else too .. and anything that brings about painfree days is well worth it !! :)

I found an article that stated that inflammation .. as found in fibromyalgia .. has been connected to an imbalance between Omega 3 vs Omega 6 essential fatty acids. Not nearly enough of Omega 3 vs way too much Omega 6. Which explains a lot for me in what I've been doing. Alpha-Linolenic is an Omega 3, while Linoleic Acid is an Omega 6. I have been severely limiting the 6 and replenishing the 3 with the changes I have made. :) <*1 Edit>

So far, I've been doing very well .. and feel even better. I've had a few flare ups .. that I have been able to trace them to things I've ingested, such as discovering that my vitamin supplements had alfalfa in them .. that a salad dressing I used while out, was made from canola oil .. or .. that the lovely homestyle whole wheat bread I was eating .. that listed 'vegetable oil' on the label .. used soy oil.

As I said .. learnin' all the time .. :D

*1: Edit 2006-07-01 : added nightshades (I forgot about them, sorry) and omega fatty acids info

*2: Edit 2006-07-15 : added MSG and Aspartame (I don't know HOW I forgot those .. they've given me pain issues for years !!) .. also .. added note about using freshly juiced gingerroot in a tea :)

My Online Gaming Life

2006-06-05T20:57:00.000-03:00

I've been involved with an online game .. or the remains thereof .. for nearly 2 years. It's been this wonderful, beautiful .. frustrating at times .. world of Uru. Part of the Myst series .. it was to be an online adventure that unfortunately was never given a chance to realize the potential that lay within the rich story that we'd been given through the previous games and the book series.

Through some bit of grace .. Cyan decided to release a version of it that was hosted on private shards. Called "Until Uru" .. it was a promise by Cyan to bring back Uru Live if at all possible .. something I have always believed was just that. It was my first online game experience and I was in awe of actually meeting people in that cavern that I'd gotten glimpses of in my "Uru : Ages Beyond Myst" game .. and to be able to experience it with a dialup connection .. when I had read that it was not allowed during Live .. well .. very cool .. :D

My daughter also joined .. and .. by all that we can tell .. we had a great ingame experience .. mostly ;) . Playing as anyone with highspeed did .. with no more lag or glitches then those with highspeed, either. So, for nearly 2 years now .. despite a few dodgy interavvie interactions :D lol .. we actually have had a great time and have met so many people from all over the world .. some have actually become friends in the realest sense of the word, too.

A few months back Cyan, with "cautious optimism" as the watchwords of the hour .. began posting on the dormant DRC forum .. and .. with whispers of a possible backer for resurrecting Live .. opened their own Until Uru shard .. calling it D'mala. Shocked and thrilled .. probably describes everyones reaction .. and in rushed madly to sign into the D'mala shard .. the numbers completely catching Cyan off guard, so they said. People from Cyan and the possible backers dropped on by to visit and chat .. asking us to support D'mala in this crucial period of cautious optimism. Good golly did we !! Most major events have been moved to D'mala .. such as the Ladies Garden Club .. and .. as a result .. most of the other shards now sit deserted. New players were welcomed into (only) the D'mala shard through an invite system and they came in HUGE numbers .. certainly a positive showing for any potential backer !!

The backing came through .. Uru Live is reborn .. and ALL of us were happy to help bring this about. :)

Thing is .. now that the official announcement has been made .. along comes the news that .. there is virtually NO support for the dialup players. Which is something of a HUGE disappointment. Oh .. we're told that we won't be discouraged from attempting to play .. we'll just have to be more "patient" with the longer downloads for updates and such. Which, really, I wouldn't mind. I play "There" .. and routinely get updates on launch that are in excess of 40 Megs .. takes a few hours and we're ingame. We each .. my daughter and I .. have just recently set our computers to download over 24 hours to get a Blender texture file and a game demo .. each over 220 Megs. So .. to not play a day is not such a great big deal.

Thing is .. there's no support for those of us who just could not .. or would not .. want to tie up our phone line for nearly 2 weeks .. yes .. 2!! weeks .. for the initial Uru Live download of 3 Gigs. That is just so frustrating and a wee bit demoralizing. It's sort of like being told "um .. thanks for the help you gave us .. now would you kindly move on ...". Heck .. we supported this venture .. a LOT of dialup players did .. to be dismissed so out of hand .. feels wrong.

Lots of posting on the new UruLive forum .. most people seem of the similar mind about it too .. the broadband players .. a good number who've posted .. sort of have the .. "oh well .. too bad for you all .. but at least WE'RE in" attitude about it. Some even suggesting we should "just get broadband" .. as if it were that easy !! I don't use dialup because I just love the quaintness of the old ways you know .. lol .. Many of us live in areas where it is not an available option. Mine stops 2 km down the road .. both cable and phone highspeed .. I've been on the "waiting list" with my phone company for 2 and a half years .. still nothing.

One even posted that, in his view, the dailup users online experience was irrelevant. Speaking for all dialup players .. I think NOT .. thank you very much. OUR incavern presence also contributed to this rebirth of Uru Live .. I would dearly hope that Cyan .. in respecting and understanding us fans .. who have NO alternative to dialup .. would at least show some sort of support for us now, in return for the support that we showed them. We've been here .. showing support .. and there are a lot of us too .. to just shut us out for want of an install disk .. makes me want to cry in frustration. :(

Looks like games like There and Guild Wars .. heck .. even Matrix Online .. will still be getting some Uru refugees. I'll go to There Online .. I'll have fun .. I always do .. but still .. it won't be the Uru Live that I waited for .. and hoped for .. and worked toward ..... :(

Funny How Things Turn Out Sometimes

2006-06-01T23:08:00.000-03:00

You know .. it really is funny how things can turn out sometimes. On Thursday I smacked up my car .. rear-ended some poor woman who's intent to turn eluded my thinking processes. lol

Now .. you would think I would be so very upset about that .. and to be honest .. at the time I WAS upset about it .. a lot !! I had my daughter, in the car with me and she was mildly hurt .. from the explosion of the airbag deploying and punching her in the chest and from the glass that she was full of .. not to forget a terror that must remain from when she was hit by a car a few years ago. That bothered me the most, I think. The other lady was just fine .. she was pacing like a caged animal on the sidewalk and screaming at someone on the other end of her cellphone. As for me .. apart from a twisted elbow, knee and ankle .. that happened AFTER I got out of the car and it started to roll back a bit .. sort of caught me off balance .. I'm okay too .. :)

My husbands stony silence at the emergency room didn't afford much comfort .. I had smashed up HIS car you know. Actually, it was originally purchased for me .. to be MY car .. but .. it wound up in his name .. was HIS .. and I knew this.

They wrote off that lovely emerald green Lumina that I loved so much .. NOT because of the damage from the vehicle collision .. but because of the fact that the airbags deployed .. O_o. It was fixable .. we had it looked at .. but the insurance said NO .. they would only have considered that if the airbags had not deployed as they, alone, are at least $3000 to replace. O_O

It just so happened that my very dear sister had her car for sale .. a beautiful maroon Intrepid .. which we did purchase from her. Somehow .. through a moment of synchronistic grace .. and in order to take advantage of a program that allows you to NOT pay taxes if the car is gifted to an immediate family member .. she offered to sign the car over to me !! So .. at the registration bureau .. it got registered in MY name !!! :D He's not said much .. he was there .. did make a few "suggestions" to have it in both our names .. but .. THAT would go against the rules .. and could NOT be done that way. So .. with his willingness to save the money .. the car got signed into my name ONLY .. and it will be left that way .. as it is .. as there is NO way I'm changing anything. :D

It's mine .. in MY name .. might be nothing big for the rest of you .. but is HUGE for me !! For the first time in nearly 20 years I have a car again that is actually mine !! You know .. it really is funny how things turn out sometimes .. I'd just remarked on that in an earlier post and how it's been part of my demoralization .. and now .. with one quick *smack* into another persons car .. that's all been changed. This is a big forward step back UP the slippery slope for me .. adding to my growing sense of self .. :)

Makes me wonder what else that I've mentioned .. could mention .. might also change in a flash for even more forward motion .... lol :)

It's Been A Long Road

2006-05-24T20:49:00.000-03:00

I've been looking back along this road I've taken the past 18+ years of marriage. It was a good marriage in it's day .. it's just past it's day now. The result is an unofficial separation .. since January of 2005 .. complete with move to the spare bedroom for me .. that I've told no one about. A move that pleases me very much .. I actually sleep well now. :)

I wouldn't say that that is a bad thing .. sometimes it's just the way things go. After 3 years of marriage therapy .. twice in these 18 years .. although it changed nothing with my husband or the marriage .. I learned a few things .. so it wasn't a total waste of time .. :D

In many ways he is a good man .. an excellent provider .. not the least bit afraid to work .. and work HARD .. to keep us all well looked after .. a wonderful father .. one of my best friends I'd ever had. He also is his own worst enemy .. to the erosion of our relationship.

I've learned that my husband is a "feeder" .. and not in the perverted sense !! A feeder is a controlling person .. usually a passive/aggressive personality. They control by using a persons weaknesses against them .. such as food and weight issues .. and is the case with my husband. They also control by eliminating anything that brings pleasure to the person in their life that they are trying to control. It keeps them off balance and always wondering what's going on .. if it's their fault .. instead of fully seeing the undercurrent of control being exercised over them.

It's pretty insidious. I spent 4 years punishing myself with bulimia .. 14 years ago .. thinking I had messed my marriage up by being responsible for my husbands cold ways. Turns out .. it was him .. HE was unhappy .. he wanted me to leave .. it is the passive aggressive way .. make the person leave .. then you can play the victim. Except I just stayed .. eventually got through it .. and our marriage has never been the same since.

The control is subtle and .. always it is made to be your choice. "Here honey .. I brought you a cake .. what? .. you don't want it? .. yes I know you said you wanted to lose weight .. but .. I did this because I love you .. and you throw it back at me??? .. If you loved me you wouldn't reject me when I try to show you how much I care .. fine .. eat it if you want to" .. *drops onto table and huffs out of room* .. Then I would eat it .. ALL ... and my weight grew and grew .. along with my disgust with myself and my looks .. and, accordingly, down shrank my sense of self. My resentment of him grew too.

I believe now, that my husband has wanted out of the marriage for most of it .. that he systematically went about making my life a misery in order to drive me out .. yet .. at the same time .. effectively wearing me down and isolating me until I lacked the will .. and health .. to be self sustainable on my own .. because his own need to drive me out was superceded by his need to control me.

I accept my own culpability in that .. as it really was just easier to comply than complain and stand my ground .. insist that I be respected .. or else .. and meaning it .. in the face of coldly being ignored on anything that I wanted. NO one can put you down if you don't let them.

I spoke to a good friend of mine about this recently .. told him that things were different because it was now no longer acceptable for me to be treated that way .. he gently replied with .. "Sherry .. it never was .. ". He's right .. except that I didn't know it then.

That woman in the picture I've put in my About Me section at the upper right of this page, that's me .. a few years back .. but still me .. looking happy .. happy like I've not known in a very long time. It's funny how I went from this active, successful, single working mother .. to an overweight, housewife who has allowed her confidence and self worth be eroded away .. with the removal of her vehicle and being fed to such an overweight level that it's hard to imagine ever working again .. or having a man want to have anything to do with me !!

It's been a long road .. but .. I'm smarter now .. I've figured it out .. that part of it anyway .. so now .. I'm left with trying to figure out how to become that woman from so long ago .. again. To collect the scattered pieces that I so willingly allowed to slip away over these years .. and make that woman whole again.

This is one big step forward for me .. but I intend to be that woman once again. :)

A Little Something About My Links - Part 3

2006-05-20T16:52:00.000-03:00

I just recently discovered this fellow's site .. the Steve Pavlina Site. Now .. he IS unabashed in his Google advertising .. BUT .. as long as it's not demanding ANYTHING of me .. I'll ignore it. :D

He DOES have some truly GREAT articles on manifesting the reality that you want .. one of only a few sites that don't require you to purchase their ridiculously overpriced CD collections .. or what-have-you .. in order for them to impart their wisdom and insights .. in it's entirety .. to you. As I've been plodding my way through the site .. I've discovered some really GOOD articles .. with LOTS of straightforward techniques .. that I have begun using .. with what I would consider a success in one thing I put forward .. so I'll have to see how they go with the other things I'm working on. :D I do believe, though, that they are very much in line with what "What The Bleep?" is speaking of .. so I'm enjoying them very much. Who knows what things near and dear to my heart I may get to bring into my experience .. ;)

Just thought it might be worth passing along .. :)

Which brings us to .. last but certainly NOT least .. EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique.

With EFT I have found just one of the simplest .. most helpful things I have ever tried for myself. I'd been getting these emails from them for a while .. probably someplace I'd signed up to somewhere along the way .. and been pretty much ignoring them. Until about a month ago .. after having that entire sorry episode from a year ago .. dragged back out .. and with certain points not quite right in the retelling (for what purpose dragging it up I do not know) I was in the throes of fibro pain so severe .. I couldn't stand it anymore. When one of the emails came .. promising it's use for pain relief .. hell .. I was ready to try ANYTHING. I have never been so thankful for a pain episode in my life. Because this simple little program has given me relief like nothing else has .. not even "Wild Divine" .. which, despite its enormous help to me, has to be played regularly to maintain it .. at least for me, as I tend to need reinforcement with that type of thing .. please, don't misunderstand .. it is by no means a punishment to use it :D .

EFT uses simple phrases .. coupled with gentle, sequenced tapping .. and it WORKS .. I cannot stress enough .. IT WORKS !!!!!! I have actually had PAINFREE days !!! Something I have not experienced in nearly 20 years. I am astonished beyond thinking. It has worked .. despite my skepticism .. despite my ornery "geez, how am I gonna remember THAT whole thing" .. despite my getting it wrong for the first week lol .. despite a few days of forgetting to do do it .. despite a few days of slightly increased pain levels .. that I directly connected to foods I had eaten .. I feel great !! Who knew anything could be so effective ??

With this success .. I have decided to try what the FREE manual I downloaded suggests .. I am trying it on everything. Every negative thought .. every core belief that doesn't uplift and support me .. every down moment .. every errant whisper .. and .. I think it's working .. changing how I think about even more things .. because I feel better .. happier .. stronger .. every day !! :D

Please .. don't be afraid to give this a shot .. the basic manual is free .. contains all that you really need to do this .. and the newsletters are filled with case histories and tips on using the program to help you beat pain AND negative programming. AMAZING stuff this. At the least .. you'll be the same as when you started .. everything above that is a bonus for the better .. at the very most, you can be feeling ever so much better. :)

So .. these are a few of my favorite things .. please do try any of them .. all of them .. because ANYTHING .. that can uplift you .. make you feel better about anything .. about everything .. and especially about yourself .. has got to be worth a try.

Besides .. if I am worth it .. you are too. :)

A Little Something About My Links - Part 2

2006-05-16T15:57:00.000-03:00

Now .. for the "Wild Divine Project". My gosh .. what can I say. Back when all of the crap was going on with that spiteful UU episode, and the systematic character assassination of me .. I was stressed out of my mind .. and suffering with fibromyalgia pain so severe I wasn't even able to get up the stairs in my house. A very good friend of mine .. Jan .. in an act so touching I still get a wee bit weepy .. surprised me by giving me the entire "Journey to Wild Divine" game. He gave it in the hopes that I might get some relief from my pain .. and get relaxed enough to start getting some proper rest and start getting better. I still cannot thank him enough. :)

If you are able to, because it does cost a fair bit .. I would suggest giving this game a try. It is so much more then just a game .. really the word "game" shouldn't even be used to describe it. You hook up to a biofeedback machine and, using the guided instruction inworld .. coupled with beautiful images and soothing music .. you learn to relax .. to undo the habit of being drawn into a tight knot .. by controlling your breathing AND your thinking. I was truly amazed at how just thinking different types of thoughts could influence what happened on the screen !! But it did .. and does !! With practice, slowly you do relax .. and start to rearrange your thinking .. simply by becoming aware of it. In the beginning .. I could barely make the items move as they should .. and .. watching how my daughter could so easily make the wheel spin in the beginning, while for me it would only slowly and jerkily turn .. I sort of knew I was in for a bit of work .. lol. But I kept at it .. though still not as good at it as she is .. I have made real progress and will continue to as I keep playing.

I very much encourage anyone, if at all possible, to get and use this amazing tool. For my fibromyalgia it has made a huge difference in my pain levels and I am most grateful to Jan for gifting me with it. :)

With "What the Bleep Do We Know?" .. be prepared to have your past thinking patterns blown away .. and entertain new ways of looking at .. and functioning in and with .. this world. Get the movie .. get the book .. go to the website .. they have a free manual you can download .. just get this into your psyche and run with it. It takes the science of Quantum Physics .. and joins it with the physics of thought and creation .. and takes you to possibilities that you only dreamed might be. A way to work with the universe and it's creative energy .. in a focused manner .. to our ever greater benefit and joy.

I've been studying this for years .. but never has it been so concisely put before me .. in a way that is as entertaining as it is profound. Please do .. give it a shot .. watch it as many times as it takes to bring you to the moment of "ah-ha" .. and .. have fun .. it's the way things are meant to be !! ;)

A Little Something About My Links - Part 1

2006-05-11T15:08:00.000-03:00

I thought I would take the time to post about several of the links I have provided .. just so that others might know what they were for and why I like them so much. :)

The first one is regarding "Notes from the Universe". This site is run by a fellow by the name of Mike Dooley, and he has taken positive thinking to a whole new, personal level that is just wonderful !! Each note is a personal pep talk .. direct from the Universe to you .. they ALWAYS make my day. Presented with cheeky humor, affection and wisdom .. I cannot help but find myself smiling and feeling better about who I am, what I want .. and how I am so much more .. worth so much more .. than I have ever previously thought. The effect seems incremental, causing those positive feelings to stay .. be reinforced daily .. and to take root. Definately causing a permanent shift in how I look at myself and my life .. and to my great benefit in all ways.

Every weekday - Monday to Friday - you receive this great little note from the "Universe". Probably the most uplifting little paragraph I've ever received from anywhere .. each one personalized to me .. just the best, most positive, "I feel so darned good when I read this" kind of sentiments .. coupled with some profound "HEY .. that's right !!" kind of moments, too. I look forward to each one .. and have saved every one of them .. even passed them on to a friend who has no computer .. they are so special to me.

You want to know the best part?? :D They are absolutely FREE .. no strings attached. No hard sell .. no badgering to purchase his products .. just these great little uplifting notes in my inbox .. that make my day! I hope you'll consider giving them a try .. they are worth more than gold to me .. and are something I would love others to experience.

Next we have "iVillage - The Internet for Women". Now .. I was the last person to be all prissy about being a woman and doing something special because I am one. But, since getting my mind and heart opened to loving and accepting myself .. and recognizing that I AM WORTH IT via my somewhat bumpy journey the past couple of years .. I am now on a quest to reacquaint myself with my feminine self. Something I really had sort of tucked away .. forgotten it was even the greater part of me by the depressing state I had come to .. over years of ALWAYS putting everyone else first but me. It just seemed the right thing to do .. to give up who I was to make everyone else around me happy. Well NO more !!

This site seems to be the most female pampering of any site I've found out there. With great forums and forum folks .. helpful .. friendly .. just SO supportive of women .. truly amazing. With health information .. ways to pamper a girl .. a variety of diet and exercise programs .. wonderful articles on learning to relax and de-stress .. relationship insights .. healthier cooking and meals .. and so much more that I haven't even explored yet. They also offer a variety of online FREE classes that generally last 6 weeks, on a wide range of interesting topics ALL designed to help you get in touch with what YOU want and DESERVE. I really enjoy this site and for someone like myself, who has been so woefully out of touch with doing nice things for me .. it's been like finding a great school to teach what that even means! LOL To steer me along the road to a better, happier me. :)

I hope that anyone who decides to give these a try will get as much pleasure from them as I do.

Moving Right Along .. :D

2006-05-06T20:43:00.000-03:00

I've wondered what people write in these things .. where I might start .. makes one realize that there may not be much to tell. LOL

I'm mostly trying to find a space that allows me to be who I am, I suppose .. one where I'm not trying to be all pleasing to those I know. Acceptance of who I am .. as I am .. is not a deference I've often been given .. most people prefer people around them who agree with them .. in all things .. all the time .. and I'm the queen of knowing how to play nice .. to keep others happy. It's an instinctive thing .. I'm very empathetic and easily pick up on what makes people most at ease .. and .. I just naturally do that .. more of a curse then a gift at times, I can assure you! There seem to be so many who need that sort of unconditional support .. and I have always done my best to put people at ease .. to focus attention directly on them .. ask questions .. respond to their comments .. refer back to previous conversations .. so that in that moment .. for that time .. they feel valued and listened to and worthwhile. And for the most part .. I think most people appreciate that.

Unfortunately, you can attract those who live for .. and feed off of it .. and woe be to those who dare to say 'No' to them.

I've been in a recovery mode from my most recent adventure with that .. lol .. having unleashed a vengeful torrent that seems to keep haunting me to this day .. nearly 2 years since I said that dreaded 'N' word to a female who had attached herself to me. I did the right thing .. I know I did .. and no amount of dragging it up, to beat me down, will ever change that .. however .. I have to wonder at the amount of grief I've had laid on me because of it.

It has taken away the pleasure I once had in the online game of Uru .. sent me to a place of constant physical pain, which I was months recovering from .. made me doubt my ability to make good choices about the people I meet online .. wondering, always, if "this" or "that" person really feels as friendly towards me as they seem to .. and generally took me to a low place I would not have dreamed was possible.

I suppose .. as with most things .. there had to be a tearing down .. so that something better could be rebuilt .. but my God .. it's been such a brutal road!! .. I'd like to get on with the rebuilding .. :D

Who knows .. maybe this is a good first step in that process .. guess we'll see .. :)

A Space for Me ...

2006-05-04T20:16:00.000-03:00

It's taken a bit of coaxing, but I've finally decided to have me a 'go' at this blogger thing. This should be good. ;)

I'm sure as I go along things will come together nicely .. they always do .. but .. to get things started, I had my resident 'blog expert' give me a hand figuring out a few things .. like print colors and where they hid the change links area :D. Tomorrow, it's backgrounds .. but I did figure out how to change the color around my pic, created a new divided area in the sidebar, and added some colored text at the top of both of the links sections .. ON MY OWN .. :D. I plan on finding a bunch of emoticons to load into my Photobucket account that's been languishing all these months .. just to pepper my posts up with, for the fun of it .. too. :D

I've started off with a few of my favorite links .. to places that I've learned a lot from .. and a few to places that always make me laugh. I hope that they enrich you as they have me .. with an "ah ha" moment that takes you in new directions .. or a laugh, to boost you through your day.

Quick edit ... I think I'm getting the hang of this now. I've played with colors, edited my profile and found a nifty little background I can live with. That should keep me happy .. for now .. :D